Yankee Weathercasters

To steal an idea from Nej, I must admit that those american drug ads are scary. The side effects that they skim and rush through are almost worse than the ailment they set out to cure. Our news isn't always much better (news is generally depressing and employs scare tactics) but there are always a few "feel good" stories sprinkled through to make it more palatable. Is this a west coast thing or a canadian thing though, seeing as I don't live out East, nor have I ever. This is a totally different topic however.

One thing that provides me nothing but endless amusement about the news down south are the Weather 'Casters. I love that they send their weather folks out in to all kinds of weather. For some reason this tickles my funny bone, and I am compelled to watch these folks get blown around, rained on, caught in terrifying storms, buffeted by strong winds and nasty waves. This is great TV. Much better than watching our guys with hawaiian shirts (not that there is anything wrong with a great loud shirt) pontificating about our weather from behind closed doors. Ok, I am generalizing here but our guys don't often have to bare the inclement weather and perhaps they could do a little more of that, makes for a more interesting weather forecast in my books.

Timing

Brandon has this whole diaper changing thing down to an art form. Not only does he grace each new diaper with a fart, but the last few days, as soon as I have put a clean diaper on him, that is when he decides it is time to drop his load off. We are talking mere minutes later. Last night I went upstairs to do a load of wash, I had just changed his diaper, by the time the load was in the dryer and I had said hey to my folks, the deed was done and my eyes were watering. Unreal. Kid has timing like the rest of us!

Thanks to my aunt, we got a ****smoking**** deal on some new pots. Very shiny and pretty (who knew I could find a pot set gorgeous?) and now I have to figure out where to put them. Hence, the sorting continues. This has been the year of reinventing ourselves, getting some amazing new stuff, and letting go of the old. And the clutter. I can't get over how much cleaner all the way around things look when there is less clutter. In a sense, also how relieved I am to have more space opened up and not crammed full of things that I don't always need, want, or use. It is a different kind of awakening.

I am tired of so many of my old clothes too. The reinvention goes right in to my closet and I need new pants and casual tops. I have the blouse down to a fine art, but when I am not in the mood to wear a blouse, I don't really have a lot of other options because the blouse is a tried and true part of my wardrobe. Especially the white blouse. The easiest to match, the easiest to put on, especially since I drink my coffees on the couch and not on the way to work. Not that I am working right now but you catch my drift. I have so many pieces of clothing that I bought because they fit, not always because I really liked them or because I felt that they looked good on me. I also have a lot of really man-ish shoes. I love my docs and blundstones, but would be nice to have a more feminine pair of boots for a change. Egads. Who knew pregnancy and childbirth would really awaken the inner goddess in me?

With these new ideas for me also comes the desire to trim up a bit, which for me is always easier to plan than to execute. That said, I have some goals, and am trying to get in walks and my yoga tapes and then we will see what else I can get up to this year. I think this phase is all about Brandon and me, and also getting our house together on these new terms. Once our house is together, and Brandon is well on his was to toddler-hood, I think I can concentrate more on just getting fitter and firmer.

Now a long rambling post like this is the byproduct of not having the same amount of free time to post. Brandon sleeps, which brings on a frenzy of little bits and pieces of things that I want to get done....

The rains have come

The sun has officially been banished behind the Wet Coast clouds, hopefully to peek out on more than one occaison before spring! In honor of the change in weather, I decided that today was a great day to make a stew. I love barley, and there is nothing like the smell of a good stew permeating the house. I usually add a can of guinness, but not having any of the good stout, I went for a bud, which seems to have done the trick!

Brandon is officially outgrowing his first set of clothes. This gives me a funny feeling inside because the growth and changes are as official as they can get now that he has clothes that are too small. In the last two weeks he has changed a lot. He isn't the wee infant he was, he is growing in to his face, and stretching out, and developing some baby rolls. Smile rewards are priceless, and I can't help but smile and coo back at my wee boy.

Being at home more, I am continuing the clearing of the clutter. I thought I had already gone through stuff, but it appears I am more than ready to let go of things that collect dust, or items of clothing I might wear, and paying forward the pocket books I have already read. I also have an overwhelming urge to paint. You can also call the clutter clearing "baby proofing" but in a sense it is a transition from what I used to think looked cool to what I think looks cool now. The piles of rocks are moved from the windowsills and adorn my plants, and the now vacant nooks and crannies are getting dusted for the first time in a lonnnnnnnng time.

It is a strange stage to be in - Brandon isn't all that active yet, and I hope I am doing enough to entertain him and stimulate motor and language development. At times I think it is like the battle of my ego, letting go of doing all the things during the day that I want to and just giving my complete attention to his needs. I am not always chatty, I don't always put on a CD, sometimes I feed and read, other times my mind is set adrift, other times I am just gazing in to his eyes with a sense of wonder. It is a whole new rhythm and at times I feel a bit off balance, not sure what the new measure of my day looks like.

Fall bounty

Well, my garden may not be as robust as I had hoped, but our apple tree is bursting at the seems with some fabulous tasting spartan-esque type fruit. Our rosemary, oregano, chives, and basil have kicked butt, however the lettuce and tomatoes fell victim to the summer drought and childbirthing activities...on my list of things to do today.. one would be to pick the apples before they all land on the ground. Said apples may be part of the reason we have had the wild kingdom happening in our backyard for the last few weeks...

The weather is definitely starting to turn. Summer is drawing to a close and you can feel it in the air in the mornings. I love fall - as the trees begin to change and colours abound.

Cheese Cake

When the mood strikes, I love cheesecake.

I believe in our wooing stage, Ken brought me a fancy-schmancy cheese cake his talented sibling had made and it sure did go a long way to ...

Then last year, my mom asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday and I figured once in your 30's you may as well "go big or go home" with the birthday cakes and I requested a NY style cheese cake. Well, my mom was on one of her diet forays and was checking out the South Beach diet. Please note, I was not. I ended up with the SB diet cheesecake. With whipping cream lathered on the whole damn thing. I can still recall that consistency and I can feel myself cringe from the memory. Needless to say, I didn't finish my piece and refused to make any comments about it, at all. With my face, I am sure that my disappointment was telegraphed clear across the province.

So, for a dinner on saturday night, which involved great friends, some wine, lots of seafood, I had a hankering for a cheesecake. After perusing a few reliable recipe sites, I settled on one that had over 800 - 5 star reviews. It was ridiculously easy, and I started it, Brandon woke up fussy, and with some verbal help, Ken finished it. We are a damn fine team because that cheesecake was damn fine is I must say so myself. Granted we have now shared as much as possible because no one needs 1/2 a cheesecake kicking around their house... just looking at the damn thing you can feel the calories thinking about coming on..

To make a long winding story short, I like cheesecake. A lot.

All over the place

Our backyard is a menangerie of birds, cats, racoons, black and gray squirrels and now, a few skunks. The other day brought both a woodpecker, and a stellar blue jay. Both of whom happen to be some of my favourite visitors. I didn't reckon that I was the kind of gal that would love to have a few bird feeders kicking around, but I am. I value the chirps, peeps, squawks, and all manner of grasses that now seem to grow in certain areas of my yard.

Speaking of wildlife, I think the world truly lost a bright and shining star when the Cr0codile Hunter passed on in that freak accident. His spirit, his will, and his vision. What can you say about such a champion of the wild and all it's creatures great and small except that a bright light was extinguished and thankfully he left behind a rich legacy in terms of his actions and the family that he created.

My ongoing cleaning and getting rid of items still has not come to a rest. I went through a few clothes drawers, finally letting go of some of the items I will never wear again. I was surprised by a few things that didn't fit - funny how that happens when you haven't worn something for 10 years!!!! I can't believe how much of a pack rat I can be. How quickly things start to accumulate, and then how much better I feel once I have tossed a bunch of items to just create some more space. In many ways, we outgrew our space when we moved in here. Then again, this space has meant I have let go of such many things I really didn't need anymore, things that it was high time to send on their way. I find I can't handle the clutter like I used to be able to, and I am seeing things through a different lens.

Speaking of which, I like TLC. They have some great "touchy-feely" programs through the day that are palatable and keep me away from the other channels. Then again, afternoon television makes me angry so I can't say the telly is on for that period of time anyways.

Been a while..

It feels strange this week to have a moment to sit in front of the computer. My surroundings feel like chaos as I am sure every new mother feels (hell, don't we all) on occaison.

Lots has happened in the last week, and not all of it easy to articulate.

The easy stuff - Brandon is now 10 pounds 5 ounces. With a huge sigh of relief for a mom that was worrying about her son's very slow weight gain we have turned a corner and he is now thriving as he should. Granted, we have made the decision to supplement, it wasn't easy, but it felt like the right decision once it was made and seeing such a wonderful increase in weight gain, affirmed it was the only way to go. Last night was his first hockey game watching dad in his exhibition games, and it was also the first time that he discovered his thumb!

For me, I am enjoying the benefits of Brandon getting better sleeps. The cards are all finally in the mail, so that is behind me. Or wait, was that more or less done last week? Oh, those were the wedding thank yous from March, now I am also caught up on the baby shower cards. I continue to have little lists so I can keep track of the things that are hanging on my radar to do...

Last weekend was also my first solo weekend. All in all, I did ok but I really missed having Ken around to bounce ideas off of, and to just talk things through with as decisions had to be made. On the other hand, I got out for a few walks, a successful shopping excursion or two (read new ginch and new feather pillows for our bed), and fish and chips at the beach with my aunt and cousin who were in from the island so that also doubled as some fun girlie time too. The days really did blitz by and now another week is almost done and I can't help but be a little relieved that Ken is home this weekend.

Our endless summer is amazing, even if I don't get out a lot in it. I am getting out for some walks, and it is surprising to contemplate how small your world becomes around birth, and then gradually it becomes bigger and bigger again as you get in to a routine, and your child begins to grow. It is also mind blowing how much socializing you do in the first 6 weeks so far of your child's life. It is great, but I am finding that at times I am feeling a little fried or talked out, or needing that quiet time during the day when everything is silent.

An Albatross Released

My thank you cards are done, up to date, in the mail, or at least waiting for an up to date address. This has been on my to do list for so long I have dreaded looking at the list because the thank you cards are still there. They are also hard to do all in one sitting. You wonder what to say - how do you express that kind of thanks?

At this pace, I wonder if I will get any Christmas cards out this year before New Years???? I know, I threw out that word about that holiday and no I have not started shopping, it is not close to the end of December yet!! Come on, my life has changed but I am still a last minute shopper.. or, so I think?!!

The weather is amazing today and we made what I would consider a big outing! Ken and I took Brandon to Rocky Point for a walk in the woods. It was marvelous to smell the trees and the sea, and the wind blowing a few leaves off and tossing them about. Such a highlight for me. Now the boys are both asleep, and all is quiet. I am about to hang in the yard with a good book and just chill. Perhaps I may just even sit there and take it all in. Not do a chore, or try to pick up garbage. Just be.

post script

note: said individual does not always realize or recognize when I should ask for help. This would be whether it is from Ken, my folks, his mom, our friends, the doc or health nurse... whomever. I am also not always sure what to do with myself when I have a quiet moment.

But, it seems like this new learning curve of parenthood dictates that you make a mistake, or stumble a little, and then you are all of a sudden a lot more receptive to help and to advice. You almost have to live a little, stumble a little, reflect on it a little before you can get to the next stage, or the next question. Wait, am I talking about motherhood, or just life in general???!!!!!

An Author's Note that caught my eye

All I can say is that I heartily endorse this book. It has thoroughly entertained me over the last week, and I would recommend it to anyone with an interest in Ireland, storytelling, or personal myth-making.

"We merge our myths with our facts according to our feelings, we tell ourselves our own story. And no matter what we are told, we choose what we believe. All 'truths' are only our truths, because we bring to the 'facts' our feelings, our experiences, our wishes. Thus, storytelling - forms a layer in the foundation of the world; and glinting in it we see the trace elements of every tribe on earth." Frank Delaney, introduction to Ireland.

This reminds me partly of the journey of motherhood: learning how to be a mom, learning when to ask for help, learning how to assess what your peers do and figure out what works for you. Asking questions, being humbled, alternating between moments of indescribeable joys and terrible lows. What is my truth - what is my story now that I am a wife and a mom, to add to all the other titles I have and do hold? It is carefully being written on the edges of my soul, colouring my experiences as the pattern of my life has changed drastically in the last year. Or has it truly? Perhaps I have only discovered in myself a latent reality that has been waiting for the right time and place to actualize itself?

Learned Something new...

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Who knew?

Random Bits

• Breast feeding is way harder than I imagined it to be. Definitely worth it, but not as natural as it really should be. It is definitely a learned thing.
• Girl friends Rock.
• The days are starting to blur together
• Since when it is ever this nice when the PNE is on?
• So, what happens when your son sleeps from 6pm - 11pm? what is the rest of my night going to look like and why didn't I sleep for these 5 hours?
• Time really does fly when babies are young, and even at a month old, there are things I wish I could do have done a little differently during the first week
• You can never get tired of peering at your sleeping babe's face
• This summer has been amazing - even if I haven't been outside in it all that much
• My wedding thank you cards are almost done. Only 5 months after the fact. Well, er, I have been busy. And I have been feeling guilty off and on for the last several months about the fact that said cards have been pushed to the back burner several times
• My routine is still chaotic, and I am still learning a new set of limits. I suspect this will be an ongoing thing
• Showering with Brandon is a lot easier than giving him a bath, not nearly the same amount of squaking. Who knew???
• I am so not cut out to have long bangs. Every time I think about trying to grow them out, I realize how much I hate long hair in my face and off they come. Needless to say, the fringe got trimmed today (little specs of hairs all over the place) and I can see clearly again!!!
  

While the babe is asleep

In the few moments that Brandon is asleep, I am being completely bamboozled by the cats.

Can you say needy? AND I have been trying to give them affection every day! One of my cats is a cool cucumber, he is doing well and all things are status quo. The other one is another ball of wax all together. He is the much needier cat and every spare moment he has been throwing himself at me today. Ironically enough, there is only so much kneading and head butting that one can take. Speaking of which, said lovelies are getting their nails cut in short order!

In a way I miss having them in the room at night, one is well behaved, and I am sure you can guess which one is the one who likes to sleep as close as possible to me, loving me, pushing against me, being as close as possible to me and near my face. Hence the night-time exile.

It is just bizarre, you finish with one of your own that needs you all the time, and when that shift ends the other one starts with the cats! One is lying across my arms as I type and the other one is checking out the keyboard! Oh forsooth!

One small step...

It has felt like a day of firsts.

Brandon has begun to learn how to use his hands and was able to seize my glasses and wave them about for a few moments... as well, thanks to my dear friend J whom has maintained for months the untold benefits of a m0ses basket and has encouraged me to borrow theirs now that it isn't needed... was right on so many levels. This has lead to another first - hanging in the backyard with my son. Feeding, tummy time, quiet time, not so quiet time. The point of this is - not inside. Hell, I was able to manage feeding and reading, and I was outside! Absolutely gleeful for someone who has watched the gorgeous weather the last few weeks from behind the glass as I got to know my son, our new limits, and exploring new boundaries. Today feels like a bit of a breakthrough day!

One of our fav shows starts up again tonight, and I see a blackberry crumble in our futures!

Now, off to get us both cleaned up!

Different Lives Lived..

In an email from a friend of mine, she mentioned that I am in my motherhood life now, and made a comment that in our lives, we actually live several different and distinct lives (I am adding a bit here). I agree with this, and it is in the same sense that I love that my tattoo is based on the number 3 (and 7 to a lesser degree) because I see life as triadic in nature - for women, maiden, mother, and crone - and crone not in a negative sense either... wise woman if you would prefer that moniker (with comparative male life cycles as well). It is similar to the many different titles we have in our lives: friend, lover, mother, sister, daughter, enemy (hopefully not many, if any), anima/us, mentor, trickster and so many other roles that we can play in other's lives, for whatever duration that may be.

The sports fan in me calls transitional periods the 'tsn turning points' in your life when you know that the ground beneath you is shifting and you are entering in to a new phase in your life, and a new you is emerging and shedding its prior skin. It is easy enough to see a transition for myself (and us as a couple) over the last year, moving away from the old us, in to the new family us, as parents, and moving in to a different phase of life with a new language and new definitions. Just as it isn't often when you can sit down and take stock of where you are at, and enjoy the moments and see just how far you have come from the last time you had a chance to do just that.

This past year has been a series of significant moments, and learning, and growing up in a new sense. Its pretty amazing when you consider the little things, and how all of a sudden you realize all those not so little things have added up to something pretty amazing.

Sleep?

Sleep seems to be somewhat optional at weird times this week.

I also think I need to rethink my stance on naps in the afternoon, since the sleep I have been getting has been more or less all over the board and I think I was pretty over-tired and over-sensitive by the time 10pm rolled around last night. I like the idea of naps, but when I have a hard time falling asleep at the best of times, I feel a bit cynical about my ability to just fall asleep during daylight hours.

Somewhat better today, and perhaps not having had a coffee today is making an impact, but this is so my tired time of the day and I am starting to look sideways at my bed, and hear it call my name. Sorting out sleep habits with a newborn can be really frustrating. For a few nights Brandon was up between 10pm-2am, and last night we had a great sleep between 11 and 4am, and then up until 8am. It is all a learning curve, figuring out what works today (or this week) and what doesn't work. Time and time again I am reminded to throw out all preconceptions and just start with a clean slate and figure out what works for us.

Perhaps I shall try this catch 40 winks concept out. See if it works, or makes a difference. Who says you can't teach old dogs new tricks?

Some pics from the weekend

Who are those rock stars?

The lights of the city just starting to reveal themselves...

A week went by?

Holy hot tamales - where have the days gone?

I can't believe it has been almost a week since I have had the chance to sit at the computer for a few moments longer than checking the old bank account and paying some bills! This week has had its moments, that is fer sure.

Saturday we went to our first 'really big outing'. A friend got married up at Grouse Mountain and it was time to pack us all up and roll the dice and see how things would go. I honestly can't believe what a great baby Brandon is/was that night. He slept from 4:30ish, through the drive (go figure) and then up the Gondola, and then through the ceremony, all the way up to the speeches. At which point he did wake up, didn't fuss a lot, got the hiccups to the hilarity of our table, and then I discretely took him away for a change and a teaser feed (any time he only gets the boob for 10 minutes is a teaser in our books). He was the hit of the wedding, and everyone was shocked that we were out an about at 19 days old! He passed with flying colours, and when we got home, he flaked out pretty good and then we had a decent night. The views from Grouse are amazing, and it blows my mind how many people flock to do the grind, it would just be such a hell hike straight up (worse than a stairmaster) but I can grudgingly admit the views would almost make up for it...

It was a great wedding - one of my few friends that I have stayed in contact from my uni days, whom has relocated to the foreign shores of the UK. Her husband is a great fit for her, and a lovely man. When you don't really know the people that are going to be at a wedding, it is hard to judge what kind of a time you will have. We had a great time. It seems that like truly does attract like, and when you have stuck it out so long in a friendship, there is much in common that you didn't even realize, such as the other people that have stuck around in your life, generally they tend to get on as well. Our table was a veritable riot. We had fun together. Viv looked stunningly beautiful, and had pictures done at sunset. I really hope that the day's fading light does her justice and their wedding pictures turn out fabulous.

That is, until Sunday night. Sleep was optional for mom, and Monday blitzed by in a flurry of feeds, and hoping that he would sleep for longer than a 20 minute power nap, and trying to get a handle on the house again, since the weekend was more about getting out and doing stuff than cleaning up after ourselves.

And that brings us to today... we all finally fell asleep about 2am, and I think that Brandon is going through his first real growth spurt. I think last night he may have been over-tired, but hopefully things are sorting out again. We have created a website for Brandon, where we will attempt to post some pictures and updates fairly regularly....

I have also mastered the art of reading while b'feeding, or talking on the phone. At this point, the time where I can multitask and do a few things for me. That said, I am going through books like there is no tomorrow. I think I am bringing my mom a new book to read every 2-3 days and I think she is at the point that the pile of books is becoming an intimidating task and some might make it to her bookshelf, LOL.

A few quiet moments

Funny, I am sitting here with a million thoughts zinging through my head and I haven't got a clue where to start unraveling them all. Perhaps I will just go with a stream of consciousness and roll with it.

Having kids takes your breath away. Looking down in to Brandon's eyes, I see so much potential, I see a blend of Ken and I, and I am filled with love and wonder. Then there are the times that it seems like he is never going to sleep, and I wonder just how frayed I can get around the edges from lack of a lot of sleep. Then there are the times the phone rings and I am "indisposed" at the moment, and well, I don't always get to making those calls back in what I would call a timely manner. Then there are the phone calls I keep meaning to make, and they still haven't happened for no better reason than the fact that my days are occupied in a whole new way and go by quicker than my flex days did when I was at work!

I am getting used to getting things half done, or a little project tackled in a few moments. I am learning new skills - like how to read with one hand when I am breast feeding, or how to actually relax and take it easy and not expect everything to get done, like yesterday. I still haven't gotten out for a lot of walks, but they are coming! Some days I feel half crotchety, enjoying the quiet time with myself, and with Brandon. Watched a good chick flick today - Beauty Sh0p - it was funny and light hearted. Kevin Bac0n pops up in the strangest places! I think the Queen is a righteous woman - big and beautiful, and not afraid to be that way. I really admire that about her and she isn't crass or as edgy as a few other female stars with curves that I can think about.

Ah yes. A whole new measure of a full day.

Completely Random

A few things that I have noticed over the last few days:

• I hate afternoon TV - it is like a car accident, you almost feel compelled to watch to see how things resolve themselves, but then reality sinks back in and you quickly change the channel
• my definition of what a full day is has changed drastically
• thankfully I learned the art of napping in university when I used to fall asleep in the library, some days I really need that early morning or late afternoon nap
• Brandon seems to change a little every day, and my days are already going way too quickly
• can't say enough about the quiet moments when you have a chance to collect your thoughts, try to anticipate the next steps, hold your sweetheart's hand, or stare at your progeny
• flexibility is the new key to success
• things seem to get half done, half cleaned the kitchen, half picked up garbage... and frankly, it doesn't seem to matter one bit
  

10 days old

Clean hair! At last! Still looks like hockey hair to us though...

Yesterday was a big day in our world. Brandon lost the cord bits (and as such is developing a lurvly belly button), had his first real bath, and his first doc's appointment. He has turned the corner and should quickly regain his birth weight, and we are finally hitting the groove with b'feeding. It seems the happier he is overall, the less that he cries and fusses. He has grown about an inch, and you can already see that his face is starting to fill out. The days go by way too quickly. This week has zipped by at a breakneck speed and if this is the way the next year is going to go, I really have to enjoy these little moments where I can scrawl out a few words!

Our friends and family are so incredibly generous and Brandon is one lucky and loved little man. We are starting to get in to more of a groove, and it has also been amazing to see some old friends in the last week. I don't think I have done this much visiting in years. I am almost gleeful to have some quiet moments today. An old friend stopped by for a visit today and it was awesome. I haven't seen her in person for a while, and it was just great to kick back and relax, and just talk. When you have known someone for more years than you can count, it is eye opening to see yourselves as adults with real jobs, and families, and now with babies too. Time marches on.

I am also eternally grateful to Gilly for painting my toes last night. Oddly enough, I love having summer toes and it is nice to look down (now that I have reaquainted myself with my feet) and see some pink again! Tonight we are so going to lay low and have some family time. It feels like the past two weeks have been wonderful but controlled chaos, and it will be nice to just be together, and perhaps have a dinner that doesn't get interrupted prior to us beginning to even eat our dinner. Funny how everything shifts on a dime.

Time Warp

Being off work, and being at home with Brand0n, is an amazing adjustment. Learning how to relax, and learning how to take a completely different approach to pacing and what is a full day has been completely redefined.

As a new parent you really and truly do worry about diaper production and whether or not you have gotten enough b'feeds in. Never would I have imagined such a focus, but here we are. Night hours are still chaotic, Brand0n is still a better day sleeper, and slowly (ok, maybe not yet) getting used to the idea that there is a difference between day and night. Or so I thought prior to last night. He was restless, hence I was restless and conscious of the fact that I would like Ken to get a decent night's sleep since he has to be functioning for work! I haven't been able to fall asleep for a nap yet, but it is on the agenda!!

I have never seen so much of my extended family! The positive side is that we have been able to see most of our families one on one, rather than in a large group setting, and this makes it more intimate and better for everyone. It has been eye opening to see all the cousins welcome Brand0n in to the fold, and then just to see how happy both sides are to have another baby (especially on my side since there hasn't been any kids for 11 years on one side, and 25 on the other) around and to see the circle of life continuing. But, we are both getting a little tired around the edges and I can see a very quiet, our little family focused day(s) coming up in the near future as the initial rush wears off.

Speaking of family, always interesting to hear what they have to say about new babies. There is always unsolicited advice, and you have to find your zen place to just say "thanks" and then whisper "but no thanks" under your breath and file away the gems for future reference. I got the "you look great, looks like the pregnancy weight is coming off quick" and then a moment later "you know you have watch everything you eat when you are breastfeeding. What you eat goes to the baby. You know, if you drink alcohol, they get it too." I was an ass, I couldn't help but say "Oh really??" and watch my Aunt's eyes goes as wide as saucers. I followed it up with a "yes, I am kidding" but the look on her face was worth it especially considering I could tell you down to the ounce and when I have consumed ANY alcohol in the last 10 months.

Mother's instincts kick in right away too - I find that I am watching whomever is holding Brand0n, even without meaning too my eyes will wander his way. I am conscious of where he is at, if he is comfortable, etc. In the quiet moments, I almost feel guilty because they are my moments, but then when it comes time for feeding, or holding, or cuddling, or comforting, well, it is all about him so it all balances out. The learning curve still feels pretty steep, and every day seems to be bringing different lessons, or tweaks to whatever routine we are starting to establish... I think that flexibility is the name of the game!

Attitude Adjustments..

I can't predict just how long this post will be - there are a few new variables in my life that I am sure the 'rents out there can understand :]

The first comment I can make about having kids is that all your preconceptions and attitudes go flying out the window PDQ. The learning curve is steep. When your child looks up at you, eyes wide open, your heart grows sizes you didn't know you had. When you look around you and see your new family, everything shifts inside.

I had no idea I would care as much as I do when Brand0n creates his messy diapers, the relief at times to know the plumbing works, and then to know that he is getting enough food.

Then there are sleeping patterns, or lack there of. We have both already learned how important it is to at least mark down when the boob feeds happen so we can make sure he is eating 8-10 times a day, and making sure he is getting his "next order" in at the ol' Breastaurant Corral. Just as it is that important to wake him up if he has been asleep for more than 3 hours and get him on the boob. Not enough feeds = dehydration and a very unhappy baby = very unhappy parents at 3am.

It is harder to return phone calls. It isn't intentional, but between feeds, and sleeps, and walks around the house, and OMG what happened to our house??, sometimes picking up the phone to make a call isn't the top priority. Email helps, thankfully. Know I love you all and will eventually make more contact with the outside world. Yet another way a blog kinda helps you cheat a little in this regard.

I have also continued to learn what gems my dear mommy friends are. For their advice, for their love, for their understanding, and for the hand-me-downs, for which I am eternally grateful and look forward to being able to "pay around" if any of us have more kids. Being able to share is the only way to go in my eyes. For things I can't put my finger on. In so many ways you don't really get it until you have walked a mile in those mommy shoes, but I wish I could have been more supportive back in the day, but I have always been a late bloomer and hopefully all y'all know I did the best I could at the time with the skill set I used to possess.

For my non-mommy friends, their wide eyed appreciation for this rite of passage we have been through, and that they may or may not go through but they love our little guy all the same has been amazing too. It is neat to share these experiences, and know that they are walking in the shoes that I have apparently abandoned on the side of the road.

And then sleeps at night. Shifting a baby from the bed after a feed doesn't always mean the bassinet is their happy place. We have quickly discovered that sometimes sleeping together is the only way to go. Who knew. Mark that one down as another huge revelation and another preconceived notion flying out the window.

Well, my little darling is starting to squirm and the day is marching on. TTFN

A drumroll please....

Ken and I are very pleased to announce the arrival of our little bundle of joy - Brand0n. He was born on Monday, July 24th at 10:58 pm. He was 8 pounds, 11 ounces, 21 inches long and was delivered au natural.

This has been hands down the most amazing experience of my life. I can't quite say that you forget the pain immediately once you get to hold your new son or daughter, but it begins to fade the moment that you have your baby on your chest and the tears start to roll down your face.

All in all, it wasn't horrific, but they call it labour for a reason. Since we were a week overdue, and with the heat creating a rush of babies, we were induced on Monday morning at 7:30 am. Between the unknowns, we could narrow down the birth window to the next 48 hours but couldn't pin it down. The induction ended up being a day long process, and it was surreal sitting in a local restaurant for breakfast, replete with hospital bands, and just having a normal conversation. It felt strange. We went home for a few hours, frittered away the time, surfed the net, I tried to write something prolific to contemplate and waited until the contractions started to become more defined. The good thing was that I was already going in to early labour when we were induced, so this helped speed things up a fair bit. Or maybe not if we were already walking down that path.

Eventually I may just end up posting my whole birth story, but suffice to say that my waters were broken about 6pm, and the rest of my labour went pretty quickly, all things considered. I stalled about 9.5 cms and that created an attitude adjustment for me in terms of what I was willing to take for the pain (recalling there was a degree of back labour happening). I didn't need to go for the epideral, but the gas and shot of pain relief got me through to the pushing stage. Transition is probably the worst, but the pushing was a relief to start working with your body, and know you were getting down to the gritty bits, or to borrow an expression from a dear friend - the really "raw" parts. I made some gutteral noises I have never expressed before, and did crack some jokes, but I am not a screamer and never did cuss out my husband (like, what is all that about???). I am so glad it was Ken, our doc, and a nurse. It was an intimate birth and very profound. The lights were low, we did play some appropriate mood music (nothing like some African chanting music to match your contractions with, and then switching to a little Enya for good measure). When the going gets tough, it is your loved one's voice that you follow.

A hearty welcome to our son Brand0n!

See, our little darling already has "hockey hair"

Damn Hot

It is hot.

Damn hot.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and the part of me that was touching the bed was hot. The fan wasn't helping. I couldn't imagine living in a climate where these temps were the norm. Give me four seasons and blustery days anytime.

We escaped the heat and went for a matinee that got us out of the heat for the bulk of the day. It was a great swash buckling adventure movie that was well worth what you pay for a summer adventure. Not exactly what I would call a deep movie, but it delivers what it promises.

Of course, walking out of the theatre was like hitting a wall of heat where I instantly started to perspire. I felt very much an overdue pregnant lady when we sauntered through the grocery store to grab the fixings for dinner, lingering in the meat section because it was just a little colder there.

If you haven't picked up on it yet, bubs is still hanging around - inside. No news, just the heat. We are also the new, proud owners of a kiddie pool. What is love? Love is going to three stores to find a kiddie pool for your pregnant, hot, and sweating wife who really needs some body of water available that they can cool down in.

Granted, said husband made fun of me when I was taking my sweet ass time dropping said body in to the pool because it was tap water and as such, a definite temperature adjustment.

I think a local kitten is attempting to adopt us. We are going to do some calls in the next few days to see if someone is missing their cat. Smart bugger too, but skinny, no tattoos, young... started hanging around last night and was just starved for food and affection. I hope it has a home and has just discovered a new place to get some loving.

Smells like a skunk has been in the neighborhood and marked some territory. Just looooovely between that and the cloying heat. Hopefully we do get a break temperature wise tonight, but I am not banking on it....

Heat Wave

Well, we made it to friday and I am getting more and more antsy/excited/anxious/impatient and who knows how else to describe this gamut of emotions.

I must have taunted the sleeping gods something fierce with my last post since sleep was completely optional last night it seems. Finally got out of bed and headed for the couch about 4am, and resorted to the old stand by to help me fall asleep - a Hary P0tter movie.. for some reason, about 30-40 minutes in... they help me slumber. ??!?!?? I don't ask, at this point I just did. Slept off and on, slept a bit this morning, and now I am just rolling with it.

Ken and I attempted to escape the heat and catch a matinee only to be surprised by a power outtage... now we are trying to escape the heat inside, the cats are hogging all the space in front of the fans, and there has been some amazing footage on the big news channel about a 2 hour chase in the gun toting capital of the US. Amazing how compelling it can be to watch stuff like this - to see how things resolve, as you as glued to your seat.

Tonight some socializing with some dear friends, who knows how late/long I will last, but it will be great to hang and compare stories from the last year :] I look back a year and EVERYTHING feels different. It is kind of cool. I can't believe I have been keeping this blog for more than a year. This is a helluva way to keep an ongoing diary. It will be interesting six months from now to check out my head space in the days (hours?) before birth and the next set of changes.

But for now, I can't help but laugh that it seems we have picked the hottest time of the whole year to have a baby!

The Incredible Bulk

Ok, so the title was something that popped in to my head that isn't completely true, but there are defininte moments where it feels like that! Especially when I am trying to roll in bed from one hip to the other.

At this point anything and everything is a sign that labour could be pending. Of course, I am feeling spry and lots of energy. AND I have been sleeping through the night the last three days without a wee break. This is just so not what I expected. Then again, it being a first baby, everything has been foreign territory to me.

I have time on my hands. It is strange to conceptualize projects and have some carry through time. It is a beautiful day out and I started my day with my PB&J and a fluffy book on the patio, and then I was all motivated to trim our laurel bush. WTF?! Ok, so I wasn't at it for a long time, just enough time to create another can of yard waste. It was only the part that is on the side of the driveway, and I was also motivated to get rid of the 10 foot long blackberry bramble that appeared overnight the other day. I figure if we are the ones using the alley with a skookum car, it was time to rid us of that bramble.

I have a sneaking suspicion it is going to get really hot over the next few days. Depending on when things start to happen, I can see myself wanting to go some body of water and go for a swim. Also making a mental note to keep my fluids up.

Shoes have been optional the last few months, and being at home I have to laugh at myself, I am truly barefoot and pregnant, running around in my trailer park sweat shorts and tank top. If you can't find amusement with yourself, what do you have left?

Twiddling my thumbs.

Waiting.

That describes the state of the union about now. I think I am at that point that sooner is better. Not that I feel incredibly uncomfortable just that I am getting really excited!!!

Another motivating factor I wish I could let bubs know about is the heat wave that is going to start tomorrow.. this weekend the temps are going to be in the high 30s! THAT IS STINKING HOT!! I am sure in the state of mind I could be in that won't be a high priority, but still...

The waiting is bizarre. Any little twinge, and your mind just goes there - is it time? Are things starting to happen? Should I grab my bags and call Ken? So far, so good. Just chilling, and waiting. Not much new to report except the hurry up and wait. I am getting calls and emails, "well??" and I wish I had more to reveal but not a lot yet!!! It is strange not being in the driver's seat on this one...

Due Date: Now.

I never knew this before, but this what 40 weeks pregnant looks like. Last night we had a great night out near the water's edge, munching down on some fish and chips, going for a relaxed pace walk, and then grabbing some gelato before heading home. What a great way to celebrate reaching our due date. Ok, it was completely selfish and all about us. It was great.

The countdown officially kicks off and it could be any day. I am feeling pretty good, and I suspect that the urge to start to do some cleaning is upon me. Either that or the fact I have been doing other things (like napping and grocery shopping) has distracted me enough that perhaps there are a few odds and ends I should try to take care of... in due time of course!

Days, not weeks.

*GULP*

It has come to this. Days, and not weeks, and we will be parents.

We have reached that point in which it really and truly could be any day. Do I feel any different? What is that twinge? Where did the headache come from? Hey! I slept better the last 2 nights than I did all last week. So what is up? What is up is that we are getting there. We are not officially there yet. It feels like we are in the holding cell, waiting for our numbers to be called so we can proceed to the next stage. I am definitely getting excited, and I think we have everything we need to have together, together.

The bags are more or less packed, and things are ready. Tomorrow will be a strange day, being aware that it has been pegged as your estimated due date, and that most babies really don't care about what our idea of their right time is. Ironically enough, our friend Gilly is coming back to town too from a year long sojourn across the pond!! I am not sure when we will hook up with her because of our current variables and state of near chaos, but tomorrow should be an interesting day to say the least.

I think the cats know something is up. They aren't interested in the crib, and the one time that Murphy jumped in to the bassinet, as soon as it moved on him, he was outta there! Last day with the car for a while, after this, Ken will have it in case something does happen, he needs to be able to get to me ASAP.

As well, my luck with objects has not turned yet. Last night I was watering the lawn, gave a pull on the hose, and managed to break the tap. Yup. I am on a roll, cars, water taps, tires, who knows what else I have had an impact on in the last few weeks and not realized it. Half reminds me of the year that I managed to break three door handles on my old rabbit. Yup, I kept pulling the damn things off and snapping them. W T F???? I am not that strong!!!! Perhaps me not being really klutzy this last little while has been transferred to the inantimate (sp) objects around me? It happened after 10pm, water was pouring out all over the place, and me calling Ken with that tone that screams out "Oh shit, I have done something really bad over here. HELP!" Well, Ken and my dad make one helluva team and were able to find the parts in the garage (there are definite advantages to being a packrat) to weld a new tap in place, and before midnight we were back in action!! My men rule. Thankfully they are very much mechanically inclined although not exactly a peaceful Sunday night before heading back to work!!

Hang Ups

One of the bonuses of being at home during the day is that you get to hear the calls that come in from telemarketers and the like that just never leave a message.

Of course, they start about 9am. My sleep patterns have continued to be nothing short of typically unusual and lately I have had issues falling asleep at anything that could even resemble a decent time, so I value the hours in the morning when I can sleep! First call happened about 9:15, then I got up about 10ish, and was "indisposed" for the next call. Which ironically enough ended up being someone I knew but who hung up as soon as the answering machine clicked in. Well, I couldn't have gotten there if I tried, and well, if ya'd leave a message, I would call ya back! Why wait for the answering machine, let the click and then the annoying noise record if you aren't willing to just leave a name? I of course could be wrong about it being someone I knew, but... the pattern has been a predictable one in the past from said person. I think I am almost making a point now of not returning calls if a message isn't left since that is the attitude I am kind of adopting for myself. If I call, even if I know you have call display (who doesn't have that at this point?) and if I don't leave a message, I don't really expect for you to call me back! Otherwise I would have done more than leave a digital footprint.

That brings me to a different edge of the same topic. It has been nice to lay low the last few weeks since I have been off. To have limited contact with the outside and just try to take all the changes in. I haven't really felt all that chatty or that social, and for no apparent reason. The last year has been such a frenetic pace that it is cool to hang about the house with my books, a small knitting project, keeping up on odds and ends, writing here and there, and somehow watching the days go by too quickly! I am feeling a bit squirrelly about committing myself to anything in the next few weeks because of the unknowns - I can't believe tuesday is my due date. I don't really feel all that different right now, except I definitely have a baby belly and it feels amazing to the touch and to feel the baby shifting around inside of me.

I think at this stage many moms-to-be turn inward (especially for the first time), soaking it all in, thinking about the upcoming changes, hoping that all the ts are crossed and i's dotted, and trying to enjoy as much one on one time with your partner as possible, even if it just holding hands together on the couch watching old movies... hoping that you have enough to just get through the first bits until you really know and learn what you will need to get through the rest.

Packing.

Packing for the hospital is a formidable task.

What the hell to bring? What will I want to wear? What will feel good after labour?

This is a strange task to undertake. Packing a diaper bag with baby goodies for the first time. What to bring, all that fun stuff. Oops, can't forget my flip flops, or some CDs to listen too, should I pass over important ID to Ken to bring with him that day, night, er? Having one set of stuff for the labour, and then another bag for after. And then how long will I be there? Is it like Survivver and I will want a comfort item? Will I care?

Answers to these burning questions will be revealed in a matter of time. LOL

Random Bits

Yesterday marked 39 weeks... so any day, and counting. It is a strange state of purgatory. Am I ready yet? Are we ready? Ah yes, that small technicality of packing that bag for the hospital. Well, it is half done. I will finish doing that today because I am really feeling like I am tempting fate by not having it packed and ready to go.

I still feel good, I had wild and crazy dreams last night, and my new kitchen floor is going in! I just realized I could almost include Ken in the title of Super Dads, but my guys are putting it in, and I can't wait to see the peel and stick lino tiles replaced by laminate! So I am trying not to hang around the kitchen for a few reasons. It is hard not to help out, and face it, not the time to be making any kind of comments. So I am making myself scarce.

Cookie dough. This is a definite weakness for me. Now that I have more time off, I am rediscovering the joys of baking. At least when I make cookies I prefer the dough and then immediately try to pawn the cookies off on my dad and Ken.

So this whole birth experience is a bit of a crapshoot. Although there are some parts which are pretty routine, it happens on its own path, in its own time. It is strange to be out of control in this way, hoping that everything happens "naturally" rather than facing medical interventions. It could be any time, that is the real kicker. Hell, it could even be today, although waking up, today didn't really feel like "the day".

The cusp of change

Every day is a little strange right now. I do wake up and think "is today the day?" and then I also laugh, because I agree with Sarah - in some ways I am tempting fate because I don't quite have that hospital bag packed, or the to call list actually written out, or everything put away and sorted out for the baby. I think I will attempt to get that sorted today. Or at least parts of it.

Granted, all sorts of things distract me now...it feels like classic essay writing avoidance. You know something HUGE is on the horizon, but a part of you is subconsciously thinking, just a few more minutes before the chaos... no matter how much you are looking forward to that next step. I don't know if I have entered that true nesting phase you hear about. It more feels like I am trying to get a handle on things that I put off until I was off work. That last stretch of work was hard. The second to last week was a lot harder than the last. I am not sure at what point I would recommend any mom's to be to take off from work. Technically I was at 37.5 weeks.. I guess whether or not I had enough time to get myself sorted and take my selfish time will depend on when bubs arrives. If it happens sooner, well, perhaps I will feel like I didn't have enough time. If it isn't until the end of the month, well, perhaps then I will feel like I had enough. Somehow, I am sure that however much time I have will be "enough" because that is how it is.

My garden is coming along - lavendar is blooming, and my rose bush has 4 more buds on it! I bought some daisies at the flea market yesterday, and was lucky enough to find both basil and lettuce for my garden. I had had such high hopes back in April and early May to get in a decent garden... and then the plot sat almost empty until yesterday! Funny how your priorities can shift, and then shift almost daily. That last month of work was all about that - getting through the work time, the visiting, and seeing how much energy was left at the end of the day.

It felt strange this morning when Ken left for work. Last week was more like a week of holidays, and this week it is sinking in a little more. I can only imagine how tough it will be a year from now to contemplate going back. I will be different, work will be different.

Pfffffttttttt

That was the sound of my first week off, officially coming to an end.

I must reiterate. Time off goes by much quicker than does paid employment.

Just finished up my application for benefits. I must say, the people they have manning those offices certainly are not helpful. I wonder if they start off with lofty aspirations and then somewhere along the line get disenchanted and bitter. Everything is by the rules. There is no room for a personality. Free thinking. Lending a helping hand. No siree, just sign on the dotted line, and swallow any protests and get thee out of the office. Oh, did I mention that it is much more convenient to apply on-line?

We are well on the path to being sorted and ready to go. Will do a "baby" load of laundry today to get things rolling and perhaps organize the wardrobe a little, and get my bag packed for the hospital. It feels strange to plan that one. To know that within the next few weeks I will be going to the hospital. A place I have avoided like the plague up until now, and I am even packing an overnight bag to go with me! This whole pregnancy thing changes everything! LOL! I feel like I am perched on that edge of the ultimate "hurry up, and wait" since the timing is ultimately out of my hands. I am not huge and swollen and waddling around chanting "this needs to be over". Sometimes I catch myself wondering about the whole experience, what my birth story is going to look like, whether or not I will be able to excude an aura of calm in the midst of the chaos.

I am enjoying the quiet moments, still reading up a storm, and I have a few side projects which are demanding a little attention. It felt good to pick up some knitting supplies yesterday so I can work with my hands again. This should be another perk of being off for the next year, being able to start knitting again in stolen moments of time.

Kazzicus Domesticus strikes again!

38 weeks....

Weekly trip to the doc this morning and all is well. The HB was loud and strong, and now that we have reached this stage.. it could be any time. General consensus is later rather than earlier, but this isn't exactly something I have any control over either.

I am feeling good, which continues to boggle my mind. I think I have been really lucky on this journey. I have been puttering around the house taking care of all these little projects that have been out there on the radar but I avoided during the last few weeks (er months, who am I kidding) waiting for when I would be off work. That I am off for the next stretch of time has and has not sunk in yet. I hope my energy levels stay where there are at (pretty reasonable) and that I do get a bit of time before the big event. It is in the quiet moments that you really get a chance to think about what is happening. Sometimes it is this surreal concept trying to plan for what you will need, or perhaps what baby thingeemebobs you are going to even want around the house.

And groceries... why is it that you run out of all the big stuff all at the same time? Between 2 big box stores I think we now have enough food to lay low for a few weeks... but I figured just in case - it was better to have the stuff that is harder to remember gotten! After shopping I treated myself to a cinnie-bun and a coffee, and chilled out with the paper. It felt like a few stolen moments, not rushing to be anywhere. I think this is one of those few times in a person's life where they have time, time they aren't sure how to fill, or at times, how to approach the fine art of relaxing (when you are used to going mach 4, it is a challenge believe it or not). If there is a second child, you don't have the same kind of time before the baby comes.

I am trying to think big - what things would be important to do in the next few days or weeks, aside from pleasure reading, and nesting, and catching up with a few folk... I don't think I will get that best selling novel written, but it is great to just have this time to reflect.

Happy Day to be a Canadian

Happy Canada Day!

I can't say that I am always patriotic, but there are moments that I am so aware of the fact that I am Canadian, and so damn proud of where I am from and what our country attempts to represent that I am fairly moved by it all - especially when the anthem is sung, the more spontaneous the better. I recall one Canada Day, out at a large outdoor concert, imbibing some brewskies and watching the Hip. It was amazing. I remember a few years ago, wandering around the waterfront with my sweetie, a place where I lived when I was young with the sun on my face, the salmon BBQ, the families everywhere, and the buzzzzzz.

Maybe that is part of the reason I love plaid and love hockey. It is in my blood. That and the blood of how many other nationalities from peoples that made their way west? Today should be a great day of visiting, spending some time in the sun, making a fruit crisp, and enjoying my first official day of Maternity Leave.

Happy Canada Day! I would say enjoy a cold one, but well...

Schools Out

Today feels like the last day of Grade 12. After today I am a free bird!! Well, it is all relative, but since I don't have any other kids, and there is that unknown factor, like wow!!! Next week is my week, and the one after that, and... until bubs makes their arrival! Not unlike leaving high school, there is this vast unknown that other people have a clue about, and well, we are just on the cusp of knowing!

Only a few more hours of work. This week has felt like a swan's song. If last week was a complete and utter slog, this week I have found some kind of place where water is rolling off of my back and I am just enjoying the longer lunches, and wrapping things up, and just getting ready to head out! It feels weird because I haven't quit, but I will be totally removed for a year, a year in which everything is going to shift within me. It is weird saying good bye to some people, and knowing that although you are coming back, things will change.

So a time to wax philosophical. I don't really have a must do list for the next few weeks, I would like to do some gardening, and some cleaning (nesting instinct is starting to kick in), some knitting, and reading, and perhaps just fritter away the time! Getting ready for baby, maybe get some wedding photos printed (which we still haven't done), oh yeah.. maybe get the thank yous out too... maybe I shouldn't think about this right now because now I am adding to my list!!!

3 more days!

The end is nigh!

It was strange coming in to work today. I stripped all my posters and jokes from the walls, and cleaned off all my stuff from my work computer. I went through computer disks that dated well back in to the 90's and I think that I burned 30 disks worth of stuff on to 2 CDs. Put things in to perspective about storage space eh?

Training has been a bizarre experience, but my lunch dates with a few friends from work have been great! It has been a good reminder of some of the wonderful women that I work with in different areas of the workplace. 3 more days of work, and I can't wait for the air con to kick in.

It is damn hot. And humid. And I sweat. I see the investment of a kiddie pool in my future to spend time in over the next few weeks. Although it is beautiful, it is definitely warm enough to be uncomfortable.

A glut of words

Looking at the past week, I have had no shortage of things to say. Funny how some weeks the blog is pretty lean, and other days it is just chock full o'just about everything!

Yesterday was a strange day to put it mildly. Woke up, got ready for prenatal, got in the car, looked my rings and discovered that the diamond and setting were missing from my engagement ring. I am sure I turned the whole range of colours in those 2 minutes, welled up with unshed tears, and was absolutely floored. I had had it the night before, and had really only been in the shower and the kitchen since waking to that point.

We didn't have a window of time to look for it, so off we went to the class. We did the prenatal "in a day" version, which suited us fine. Apparently only 30% of BC couples do it. That surprised both of us, and made me a little more grateful that Ken was willing to come, underscoring the fact that we are partners in this whole thing we call our lives. It was a good day, not so much the fear mongering that I was afraid of, but rather built our confidence up a bit, gave us some tools for the actual labour part, and it was neat to see other people at the same stage as us, and to see the variety of belly shapes and decisions about what one wants to know about their baby. It was amazing how many people had their names picked out! In my head I have a flexible birth plan, it will be interesting to see what my birth story will become.

Got home, searched the house, searched all logical places, searched the drain. Da nada. No diamond in its setting. What do you say? An engagement ring is a symbol of your love, and the turning point when you make that decision to get married. I guess for us, it was more of a symbol of our love, it wasn't the be all or the end all, there were no standards of what it had to be or had to look like, it had to be reasonable and simple but elegant lines. It also being custom made by a friend, we didn't think we would need to get it appraised w/in the first few months of ownership for insurance purposes, but here we are. When the setting only lasts that long, and I am not even playing hockey right now... I am at a loss to truly describe the range of emotions I felt about this, feel about this. Although looking at our matching wedding bands on our fingers, that is the part the really brings the smile on my face, the symbol of the day that we made a commitment to each other in front of our family and friends and spoke simple and meaningful words to each other. Not that I am saying I didn't love the engagement ring (I did) but at some point yesterday that part of the equation was removed. I have a naked ring that one day will be refurbished. I think that will take some time. I can't see replacing something like that when I had it in my possession for 3 months. There are so many other priorities in our lives, and when it comes right down to it, I don't need it to tell me or show me how much I love my guy or what we mean to each other. The life we have built around us is positive affirmation enough.

Needless to say, after all that emotional highs and lows I promptly went and had a nap.

Friday?

One more week to go for work. Today was my flex day, and grateful barely begins to decribe how I feel that I got to stay home today. All of my grandious plans of cleaning house, doing laundry, and puttering went promptly out the window when I cracked a book in bed shortly after Ken left for work.

It was a good read, nothing earth shattering, but good escapism. Well, between naps, love from my kitties, a few short trips to get sustenance, all of a sudden it was 3pm and not only had I finished a book, but had also managed to fritter most of the day away. Part of me says that I am lazy. The other, louder part right now says, damn, that felt good. You really must have needed it. For once, I am not going to argue with myself since I think at times my mood has done the funky chicken this week and taken me for a ride. What blows me away is that my eyes still have that grainy feel to them, like I could actually crawl back in to bed and sleep for a while longer. I am resisting its pull.

As I look down at my toes, I think, wow, so this is what 36 weeks pregnant looks like. Less than a month. Well, I figure I will go past my DD, but this is it. This is the home stretch. We have our prenatal class tomorrow, and well, things are motoring along. Most days the baby moves a lot, days where I am stressing at work, not so much. I don't feel huge and swollen (yet) but today, I am tired. I think you focus a lot on the pregnancy, and then the birth, and don't pay so much attention to the what happens after birth, although you know that will make the birth seem like just a blip on the radar (as earth shifting as it is for the individuals involved). We are pulling it together, but I think you deal with it step by step as you are ready (sortof)

Borrowed words from a good read.

"You should think about your character. Know where you are changing, how you will be changed, what cannot be changed back again"

"Think about your intentions...what is in your heart, what you want to put in others."

"They write about what happened, why it happened, how they can make other things happen. They write stories of things that are but should not have been. They write about what could have been, what still might be. They write of a past that can be changed. After all, what is the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along."

I can't believe it took me as long as it did to discover Tan's writing. It took me a while to really get in to this book, but once I was in, I was thoroughly hooked. Another tale that weaves mothers and daughters, cultures in transition, and distinct historical moments, this is a lyrical book that evokes a response. Whether it is to consider a different culture or way of being, or to compare your own mother/daughter relationship and how wonderfully functional/dysfunctional they are and can be. I found the protagonist Ruth a bit irritating for the first part of the book, but as the stories evolve, my responses make much more sense.

The quotes I have included struck a chord for me, making me pause and just consider the words and what they meant to me. Without fancy words or descriptions I think that Tan hits on some truths, especially poignant ones when you consider those moments in your life when you make choices, or even let parts of your past go.

More of the park...

The Ultimate Chow Line Up.

The many colours of green in a BC forest

Definitely feels like mid-week right now. I successfully made it through our planning day, even though there were a few moments were I caught myself watching the second hand move on the clock. Pathetic eh? I am not sure if I have truly reached the saturation point with my job (pretty close to the truth) but these last few work days are like torture. I say it now, in print, but before I have to come back, I will search my employers current postings to see what kind of lights there are in the tunnel for a change when I have to go back to work, a little over a year from now. Of course, this could be burnout talking, there are parts of my job that are rewarding, I am just having a hard time finding them right now. It is hard working in a smaller office with some really dominant personalities that are allowed to continually rampage, interrupt, and just generally tread over everyone else that gets to you after a while. I know my workplace is not unique in this - I think it is harder because I know there is an end in sight and that is what I am focused on, glossing over the moments in between, and really looking forward to a few lunches, and cleaning up stuff, and just feeling like I have done my part to leave things in good standing because that is how I am wired. Granted, sometimes I roll my eyes at myself when I look back and the only training manuals ever completed in my office have been done by me. What does that tell you about every one else?

Which makes days like Sunday more important. Nothing like getting out to nature to recharge your batteries and just do something completely different. I really value the quiet moments, and not just because of the ongoing changes that are happening. It has been a crazy year.

Speaking of which - monday I got a special treat. Two of my favourite ladies and young gals surprised me with a visit and not only did I get to see how amazing my husband is with three year olds, and got a few giggles from the gals at how green I am at handling newborns, it was so wonderful to see them. They brought a "newborn care pack" to help us get all sorted for when bubs comes. If I was a more emotional person, the tears would have been flowing easily. It was just what I needed, surrounded by love, and just welcoming for the baby we will be bringing in. It was also great to have some girl time - we don't get a lot of that. I thought that things would have calmed down after the wedding and we would have had more free time on weekends, but that hasn't been the case. Talk about a ramble that started out with pretty pictures and then darted around my chaotic week!

Badgers? I don't have no stinking badgers!

Breaking with tradition, we headed to Manning Park to celebrate Dad's day on Sunday. I forget just how close it is to get there, a mere two hours away from our place. When you arrive, you can't help but feel like you couldn't be farther away from the concrete jungle. Could have something to do with the fact that the space between Chilliwack and Hope seems to stretch on forever... especially when the fields are ripe around Clearbrook... if you know what I am saying

Staggering the effects of the nefarious pine beetle. The swaths of burnt umber pines that are just about ready to fall over in sharp contrast to the few healthy green ones near the lake. It was shocking to pull in to Lightning Lake and to see how many trees that they have taken out along the side of the lake where one can picnic. It was a little disconcerting, and it took a while to adjust too. Of course, the magic of the place seeps in pretty quick, as the grey jays discover that you have brought trail mix and seed, and the badgers/ground squirrels/marmots (whatever their technical name is) start popping up from the holes to beg for food.

What an enchanting place. We spent hours playing cards, going for a walk around the lake, eating, talking, and feeding the local wildlife. Ken and I even saw a deer on our walk around the lake. I must say, I am terrible about "short cuts". My just around the corners are never that. But life is about the journey, and it is hard to have regrets when an extra 30 minutes keeps you out in the wild a little longer, a few stolen kisses, and enjoying each other's company before you hook up with the folks again.

I love the fact that the lakes are called Lightning, Flash, and Thunder. Makes you wonder what kinds of crazy storms blow through here! Would be a fabulous place to take your canoe out for a paddle! Perhaps once bubs is a little older?

A tag,,,

Thanks Miss Refinnnnnnnnnnnej -

I AM: Canadian. (too much truth to not piggyback on this answer)
I WANT: more time in my day and money in our pockets
I HATE: ignorant people
I LOVE: my family
I MISS: my grandmother
I FEAR: losing the people I love
I HEAR: voices (couldn't resist, this is a hard one) the echoes the past as you grow up and realize that there is some wisdom that truly gets passed generation to generation
I WONDER: about the next 6 weeks especially, what birth and baby will be like
I REGRET: not knowing what questions to ask guidance counsellors when I was a high schooler, but then again, my life path has been crazy, and put me where I am today, and ultimately, I don't regret that, so with 20-20 glasses, I don't think regret is the right word.
I AM NOT: bored with my life.
I DANCE: with my husband and sometimes by myself when the mood strikes me.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: quiet spoken or mindful of my words
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: my grandmother's homemade apple pies.
I WRITE: because it is natural for me to do and I miss it when I don't
I CONFUSE: others on occaison as my mind goes at hyper fast speed
I NEED: to go out on a date with my husband before the baby comes!
I SHOULD: start working on my photo albums - lots of digital prints not printed in the last few years
I START: cleaning the house but seemed to get interrupted right now
I FINISH: 98% of the books I start to read.

Tags go out to Sarah, Gilly, and Cher : ] just 'cause

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

A new take on a great song....

Nothing like a little subervsiveness to get you through the day! Once you have checked out this video.. there are plenty of others on the site to while a way a few hours... Like the jedi one..

The Wheels.

Our sweet ass ride, if I may say so myself (ours is 2005, charcoal grey).

Magnum, K.K.

Vehicle ownership. Two words that seem to be a necessity, and yet can strike fear in to one's wallet.

There have been a few good laments within these pages about our vehicle woes. The day we broke my mazda pickup in half (literally) on the car hoist to fix a simple broken clutch cable. Honestly, got my money out of this vehicle since it was well over 300,000 kms! We sold that car for parts that fateful day.

Then came the Blazer... busting a head sized hole in the side of the engine on route to our holidays almost a year ago to this date, and then the radiator, tires, alternator, window falling off its track, funky speedo noise, unknown stalls, and various other knocks and pings, failing aircare not once or twice but almost a handfull of times before we coaxed the beast through last December...

This is just our last two vehicles, not mentioning Ken's pretty beretta that lost its get up and go, and my rabbit that I drove to the end of its life... in this year of reinventing ourselves, we decided that perhaps it was time to make the leap for a newer and more reliable vehicle. We have been doing the research, and I would admit, I started out more "positional" than Ken, he was willing to look at just about anything, and I was baulking about looking at minivans. Just had a bit of an issue with that. Well, I finally moved away from that position to admit that a minivan may not be a bad thing, when both people like to play hockey (and one is a goalie) and you have a child on the way that will eventually come with a bunch of stuff too.

One morning a few weeks ago, after my doc's appointment, I was set to go and grab a few brochures from a local car dealership. Well, the salesman said the right thing about the blazer, offering a decent trade in value and the bartering started out fast and furious to the point where I was being offered a weekend test run of a magnum. Well, with my heart pounding in my ears, I knew this was not a decision I was making solo, and yet you have to strike when the iron is hot.

Without a brochure I headed home, lighting up the phone lines to Ken. A few words later, and I was cleaning out the Blazer to see if indeed, we could make a deal work. Many, many hours later, we are the proud owners of a 2oo5 magnum and it rocks. We have the peace of mind of a warranty, low kms, and a sleek looking machine that is safe, decent mileage, and hell, I think it looks damn cool. Another payment is always scary, but to have a reliable car at this stage of the game is huge!

2006 has been the year of the reinvention - marriage, kids, car... what could possibly be next for us?

Golfing anyone?

Bored today?

Need something that requires just enough skill to distract you for a few moments and cultivate your competitive streak?

Check out Beer Golf. Who knows if my score even blipped on the leader board....

Hurry up and wait

"Hurry up and the wait begins"

34.5 weeks along, and as my doc says, this is about where it is at. All is progressing as it should, I am really healthy, as is bubs. I have a definite baby bump now, and bending over to pick things up is becoming a challenge. It also blows my mind how quickly you can become winded as you get further along and the baby moves all your internal organs around at will. Take a set of stairs at a good clip = panting at the top. If pregnancy was about learning new limits before, it is taking on a whole new meaning now. Bubs should be the larger side of average, with a good, strong heartbeat. I get lots of kicks and nudges, and I am sure that when I am really busy, half of those strange movements go unnoticed.

I also can't get over the change in my overall energy levels. I really can't do as much in a day as I used to. Friday was my flex day, and oh yeah, a nap was so in the picture. And on saturday. Today I feel like I could nap, but I tried and it just wasn't going to happen albeit I am moving at a snail's pace. Motivation. What motivation?

Repetitive

Some times bl0gger does the strangest things. The two hauntingly similar posts about me whining about waking up early happened because one of those posts "disappeared" from the system after posting, couldn't see it, and I can now tell that it has miraculously reinvented itself.

Honestly. I really don't dwell on getting up early to that degree. I think it is kind of funny because once I have decided that I will be up, I am a self proclaimed nauseating ray of sunshine. I blame this on my father, and on my pop. They were both early risers and if you can convince me that I want to be up at that time, I guess so am I.

Finished up a book recently that I feel is worth mentioning, if you have any desire to know a little more about the history of Vancouver through a different lens. Not just through a fiction lens (even if there are cultural foots in the truth so to speak). If you haven't read the short story, The Jade Peony, it is worth a gander, but Ways0n Ch0y has written a larger piece which I recommend as a good read called All that Matters. This presents a different picture of Vancouver's Chinatown in the 30's and 40's and is a tale about growing up, family relations, and the schism that exists between old and new. It gets you thinking.

I am hooked on doing online puzzles right now. I couldn't care less about the people ones, I like the flora and fauna ones. I keep trying to best my own time, or beat the "best time" which makes me laugh at my competitive streak and why these damn things are so compelling to do (I guess it is good that I am off spider solitaire now). There is one puzzle that is a group of sea lions on a rock, and it makes me yearn for a trip up to the north coast to be in the middle of the wild, and just soaking it all in. I definitely want to do more trips up the northern coastline, whether it be by car or by boat, or even to one day get out there kayaking or whatever gets us out to explore some of those places with the mystical names - like Hecate Straight, or Desolation Sound ... for me there is something about being from the coast, the rain and mists seep in to your soul and call out to you every now and then. To wander among the rocks on the shores edge, to breath in the salty air, sliding on the kelp. Or to walk in the woods with the moss and the ferns, and the tumbled down trees decomposing all around you. The other day we could smell camp fires, although we could go camping this year, it is a real long shot and not realistic at all. Doesn't rule out day trips though!!

Just plain strange.

Today I slept in... that is... until 6am. Which is better than the last few days, which is waking up at 5am and staring at the ceiling and willing myself to fall back asleep.

It has been a strange few days. Ken really and truly has the flu and it is being persistant. Hard part is there is nothing I can do to make this flu go away quicker and he is being a real trooper but it is so obvious that he is not feeling well at all. *SIGH* I guess it has to run its course. So far so good for me, I am thankful for pregnancy hormones and kicking my immune system in to overdrive since my biggest issue is sleep right now! (fingers crossed)

I actually saw my first hummingbird last night - this small bird hovered outside our window, checking us out, and I think my jaw hinged open a bit. Ken confirmed that it was indeed a hummingbird, and it was so quick and really did seem to hover there. Amazing the birds and wee creatures that tromp through our backyard. My garden plot is starting to taunt me, it is time to get it planted...

Keeping motivation up at work is getting harder and harder every day. I am so aware of my last day, and it is coming up soon, that the day to day stuff is like "yeah, whatever". The break will do wonders for my soul, even if the only break that happens is the break away from "paid employment". I have even taken to scanning baby week flyers, and looking a baby clothes, and thinking wow, soon there will be three.

Bizarro

So it appears a new trend is happening in my life. Waking up at 5am.

Then staring at the ceiling, willing myself back to sleep. Giving up, grabbing my book, and trying not to wiggle too much and wake up Ken.

*SIGH*

Perhaps this is my body's idea of "core training" in preparation for the early mornings to come... who knows. It sure is weird. So far gone are the days where it took no effort at all to sleep in until noon. Now I would be happy to sleep unbroken until 8 am!!! Funny how relative everything is. I have been reading up a storm lately, 2 or 3 books a week, and searching out baby week flyers. Things are getting more and more real as the days are slipping by. It is amazing to think that the bumps and kicks in my belly are a real person, and that this real person is going to be moving in with us!! As well, this person is a product of Ken and I, a blend of everything we are. Seeing baby pictures is starting to make me feel a LOT more sentimental now, and I must say, there are limits as to how many birth stories one should expose themselves too. I think it is really easy to scare the hell out of yourself with all the possibilities. It is like getting on a rollar coaster, you just want to squeeze your eyes shut and yell and scream a little, maybe a few high pitched hoots and hollers too for good measure. Amazing to think that within so many weeks I will probably be talking about my own birth story.... woah dude.

Strange Day

It was definitely a morning I was resisting getting out of bed...enough mornings this week where 6am was the norm that saturday didn't need to be too!!

Mosied through the morning, packed the car for the day, and headed out. Started out with a BBQ on the beach with Ken's cousin and g'friend, and then we were heading out to a birthday bash and then to Ken's hockey game. Well, a nefarious bug that decided to bite DH on thursday decided that he wasn't quite done with us yet and figured it was time to pay a return visit.

Hence, the change in plans. Here are fingers crossed that somehow with having a great diet, trying not to get run down, those prenatal vitamins I take daily with Vit. C that I avoid this bug altogether. I am currently enjoying a super healthy smoothie, puttering around the house, and thinking I may just have a bath soon. I know Ken is definitely sick because the b-ball game is on. Then again, it did put him to sleep so.....not altogether a bad thing. These things happen, just not exactly the plan we had!! We were so organized too!!!

Ah well, means we don't have to cut the lawn tomorrow, it just becomes laundry day and lets putter around the backyard! So much for the nights where you partied until 3am, and then when for something to eat before you headed home!!!

Here and Now.

At home at last. The last of the trips and major events planned before Jr. arrives are finally done. I only have 19 more "work" days, with three days of conferences and planning days thrown in for good measure. I just got home from Calgary, where I must say I was the recipient of some great hosts, a very professionally run conference with over a 1000 delegates from across Canada, and experienced both a "night at the ranch" (read sliced beef and beans for dinner and really loud country music repleat with line dancing lessons which I did not partake of) and then a full on, but scaled back, "an evening at the rodeo". The rodeo was awesome. Calgary knows how to put on a show, and we got a sampling of the best - bareback riding, bucking broncos, bull riding, barrel racing, trick riding, a first nations hoop dancer, and the gem of them all - mutton busting.

Between conference days, trying to grab meals, and just having some down time, I didn't really do a heck of a lot. I got some visiting in with some cousins, and tried to grab a few cat naps the other times I had a few moments. My energy definitely isn't what it was, and being in a strange bed doesn't really help the old sleeping patterns either. Last night it was blissful to be back at home, in my own bed, beside my man, and getting way too much affection from the cats.

Lots of big ideas, some of which I will try to perculote through a few posts. For those of you with kids, may be worth checking out this free online book about educating the "net generation". I have spent most of today trying to get back in to the swing of this work thing.

Baby is definitely getting bigger, and the more you talk to women who have had kids, you realize that every experience is unique (with some common ground) and that everything is a bit of an unknown of what part of the experience package you will call your own. Got me a pair of birks from the net, so my feet are much happier. If I spent the first 7.5 months with cold feet, I have now swung in the opposite direction and have hot feet all the time. That, and heartburn once a week something fierce.