Remembering

This morning, as images of wars past flitted across the screen, I wondered, what do I tell my sons about war? About peace? These are not easy questions. Kids fight. Adults fight. But wars, and peace, how do you truly talk about it. There isn't really an answer, you just stumble along with these kinds of topics and find your own way in talking about it. Like sex and religion, there are no easy ways to lay it all out there.

I do think we need to talk about these things, and not bury wars and skirmishes in the past. I think much of wars are caused by fear, fear of the unknown. Part of breaking that down is being open to learning about new things, and new people.

It wasn't an easy morning. Brandon had a follow up appointment with his orthopedist, and yes, he will be getting new and improved super boots to help with his walking, he has officially outgrown the old ones. I hope we can arrange to have the extended coverage to pay as it happens and not wait to be reimbursed. *SIGH* Those boots aren't cheap and I am so grateful our plans cover the cost otherwise I am not sure how we would creatively finagle it. Yes, there is a little more tone right now in his hamstrings, and yes, we have to keep an eye on it and make sure we keep up B's range of motion. It seems certain doctors give me a fair bit of latitude right now about when to come in again, and are trusting my judgment on when it is time. Not only that, but being open to any questions or concerns. By that time in the appointment, I have already peppered them with a lot of questions, and then I wonder, am I missing anything??? Should I be asking even more, why at this stage are you looking me in the and eye and saying, just call if you have anything else - that is where doubt creeps in. A mom's instinct is pretty accurate, and I think we have things in hand. We have a good support structure around us.

It's (almost?) scary - that unknown. Working as hard as I can to keep Brandon limber, and moving, and improving his range of motion. It's hard holding it all in at times. I come off so strong and confident, and at times I am a trembling leaf that is just trying to stay stable in the wind. Big picture, Brandon is doing really well. What does the future hold? Who knows. For me, moments of strength and weakness. Moments I want to cry and make it all better - and I can't. All I can do is my best, be supportive, work with him, and enjoy him. My son is such a treasure and he is a wealth of strength with his quiet fortitude and oh so funny sense of humor. He humbles me.

One day I would like to think there is a book in me about our experiences, something that will help guide other parents who have to go through this. If there is no true book of how to be a parent, there is really no book of how to handle it gracefully when there are a few more hurdles in the way for your child. Chin up, take life on, and just learn how to laugh, and love as much as you can, and for me, be as honest as I can. I stumble, I fall, I make gaffs, I am not perfect. But I am trying, at the end of the day, that is the true accounting.