Character growth. Funny about this, it tends to hit you in the back of the head when you least expect it. I have found that sometimes I tend to be like a younger self that wrote a million lines "I will think before I speak." I think I have always said first, and sometimes thought later. Or it was the act of verbalizing an idea, or a flitting thought, that truly helped give wing to new ideas, thoughts, growth, as it were. I don't think I have changed that much - I still make verbal gaffs, I still stick both feet in my mouth at times, and I still end up saying some pretty brash, but honest stuff. Ironically enough, I think I can also come across as pretty naive and gullible at times too. I think it is part of me - part of how I learn. I think sometimes I am in my own head too much, and it does help to have conversations with girl friends, to think some stuff out, or even to sort out your head space at times. I also find this blog a good place to unravel thoughts, since many a time I pound away at this keyboard and I am not all that sure of what direction I am going to take. And yes, I do love stream of consciousness, LOL.
I also think it is good when I get called on stuff, even if I end up moving verbally backwards, or sideways, or it causes my face to go red because I know I was just an ass, or not thoughtful, or perhaps not all the way to the station with my thought, this stuff makes me grow. I see moments like that as an opportunity to learn something more about myself for my journey, and pony up and talk about it. Gets me further in this life.
It really has felt like we have traveled the gamut of appointments this last month. They are a bit stressful to go through, even if you know in your heart of hearts that everything is going well. It is weird telling the next chapter of your story to the professionals, over and over again, because specialists send each other carefully typed out letters, and don't always talk. I am really finding that the specialists do help, but it is the grassroots level that brings me the most peace and understanding with everything Brandon has been through. They truly get to listen to my questions, and support me, and help guide me through all this, and then I can guide the rest of my family to the best of me too. Sometimes it is overwhelming, sometimes I really have to concentrate on what they are saying to me, because there are so many unknowns, they have to tell you some of the what ifs, and you have to bring yourself back down to your universe and figure out what works for you, and the reality that you know. But the concentrating part is hard - for those reasons, and for the birds that flutter around your stomach and the ringing in your ears that calls back previous visits and previous words, and it is all part of processing.
I think I am finally processing and verbalizing parts of what we have been through with my language, and not bottling it all up. I know I was somewhat more closed over the last few years, but I really needed to be to get through the curve balls life was throwing at us. I think in admitting vulnerability there is also strength. I also feel that life has come full circle with our family of four, we are a very strong unit and I look around and feel pretty content, which I think is a product of what we have been through, what we are, and how we all are together, which is pretty damn cool.
So today's post is a bit of a stream of consciousness, much like the rain that has started to fall again. Speaking of which, we had about 220mm the other day!!! I have a personal weather station that measures this stuff for me. See, if I did all over again, being a weather gal would be fun...
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