Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Body Image

It is easier in many ways being preggers the second time around. Some of the mystery is gone (not the awe) but some of the worries aren't.

Over the last year, I have slowly watched my weight creep down. When I got preggers this time around, I was actually 15 pounds less than the first time. Not huge numbers, but rewarding nonetheless. Now it is strange watching the number on the scale slowly start to creep back up again.

I don't think I will gain huge weight this go around, I didn't the first time. I figure it was somewhere between 32- 35 pounds. This time around, I would be happier around 25 pounds, but I am not stressing that much about it, since I am about 6-7 pounds at 19 weeks. So far, so good. But is still strange watching the weight go up, and it isn't really that noticeable because all my work clothes are big on me now. And everything does indeed shift before, during, after, and then again during baby. Things are different now too - I walk more, I actually go to the gym, even if that for me means just using a machine for a 1/2 hour. I think I eat a little different, although I still have my vices and it seems at work there are always snacks kicking around.

But how do I feel knowing I am gaining weight again? Mixed feelings. As long as it is reasonable and I am not gorging myself - great. Everything in moderation I say, and it means that after it should come off pretty well too. It is part of the motherhood journey, your changing physical self and coming to terms with it.

Showing is a funny thing when you aren't a bone rack - I know I won't get that "basketball belly" that some women get, I will just fill out a little more, and probably look pregnant in month 7. First time around I looking like I was "gaining weight" for the longest time before it became truly obvious. The joys of a taller, big-boned body type eh?

This go around - it is a different kind of bodily awareness. I think because I am caring more about my physicality, and perhaps because I know deep down that two would be the ideal amount for us. I feel little titters inside, it is like a great secret, knowing that it will probably be another month before someone else will be able to feel the baby - or maybe even just a matter of weeks.

Then again, first time around I was what weeks, if not days away from a wedding? Different time, different place. Self-hood is an interesting journey.

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