Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Perhaps I am expanding.

21 weeks! Our ultrasound was a roaring success, and all clear on my blood work. YAY! My weight is also starting to creep up - I guess it was bound to happen. I am starting to show, but subtly. My moods have been all over the place - last week was trying. My goal is not to hit the same end weight I hit the first time around...

Things are better (more or less) this week. Van is on the fritz. Took it in today with a shopping list of complaints. Some stuff will be taken care of now, and some in a month when parts come in. Thank god for warranties, but what a pain in the ass that you have a brand new vehicle and after a year you have a shopping list of complaints to work through and not just routine maintenance.. that half pisses me off. You buy new for a reasons, and I guess that is a reason to get the extended warranty. Evil Socratic argument on that one.

What is up with the snow? Every time I have to go and work at the satellite campus, it snows. I am now three for three and it is getting annoying. Especially since I take the train across. Standing on the platforms is damn cold.

What else? Ongoing stuff with my mom. I just don't get how she thinks and processes stuff. I think I could go back to about this time when I was pregnant with Brandon and see complaints about exactly the same thing. Apparently my mom is stressed, and is dealing with issues (that no one else seems to know a damn thing about, usually means work, and she tends to create unreal drama where there shouldn't be any, weird weird weird...) and if you say anything negative about my brother, she is immediately on the defensive. Last night I saw her momentarily, and frankly between her mood and mine, I should have just "run away" but we got in to a few words, and as I said, I just don't get the drama, or the issues. Life is pretty damn good from the outside. And from what I know... shouldn't be that many issues happening either. In the course of our conversation, she said she has "higher expectations" of me than my brother.. hmm, I wonder why??? But bottom line is, why do you expect your daughter to be superwoman and not need support? That your son needs to be supported all over the place and is 30?

Now I am on another rant. Then I usually get the "I am not as articulate as you because I didn't get to go to university" line from my mom. I have never lorded it over anyone that I am (over) educated. Education doesn't make a man or woman, it is what you do with your life, the experiences you expose yourself too, how open your mind is - what you choose to do with your time and energy. Being able to articulate yourself doesn't come hand in hand with a post secondary education. Bah. So that is lame. Sometimes a blog is all about processing, and conversations like that with my mom leave me feeling empty of bereft. It makes me feel distant, like I don't want to open up or expose myself to the latest rant or threat of what I don't know that is causing her issues. I don't understand why during both pregnancies, and then with Brandon's early months, she was emotionally (for lack of a better term) absent because of her own "stuff". WTF? That's the time your daughter could actually use the strong support. It seems like the tables are turned and it is my mom that needs the support and to lend an ear for, but it means that I close off about myself, becuse I don't think she can handle anything beyond herself, and I guess I don't really trust what happens after I open up - what will come back at me later on , and I think that is a shame. Her loss, not mine since I think I have done enough "work" on myself to get beyond that - or at least I hope so. I try to be honest and transparent. I don't have anything to hide. I am still just learning, just like the other upright folks. I make mistakes, I ram my feet in myself, but doesn't mean I can't learn from it, or retract.

So, on another note, our hedge has been cut back today. We have a behemoth laurel hedge that was about 15 feet across at the top, and it has been trimmed back so much you can see a lot of daylight through it. It is a good thing, but it looks naked out there now. I know, give it a few months.. everything will grow.. LOL

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