Ah yes, my blog. Long forgotten place to quickly jot down some thoughts before I continue running. It seems like I have had less and less time to breath as this year has progressed. My vacation time was fast, and I hope to eventually make some updates and post some pictures of our adventures. I have already been back to work for almost two weeks, and the ball of knots in my stomach is proof of it. I can say with feeling that it is not easy balancing a career type job with two kids, especially with a few added challenges thrown in. I can't get over how 95% of my job seems to be going great, and 5% just sucks, and it is what I am being continually called out about. Small errors or misteps that are becoming larger issues, and trying to figure out how best to communicate with some.
It has been a struggle, especially when you are trying to claw your way in to good graces, and yet the communication piece just doesn't seem to be two ways. I am not sure how to articulate this, or what has changed in the two years since I left - and in the year since I have come back, but it has been different. I don't mind taking stuff on the chin - taking a while to learn new tasks, lapses in judgement, perhaps unrealistic expectations at times, but I have also worked my ass off, and tried to work through any thing I have had going on with my kids and tried to limit the impact on work. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am surprised by what a shift the last year has been - learning how to balance work and family, and to keep my head above water. It feels like a real cornerstone piece to all of this is a good night's sleep. Running on next to empty just makes everything harder.
All of this whinging aside... a day after I started this post, everything seemed to shift at work. It felt like the sun coming out after a long period of rain. Things have eased off a bit, and I am not feeling quite so anxious or so lacking in confidence. I don't feel so close to a knife-edge of falling off and going splat at work, but it does feel like I have to be aware and fully present in a different way. I so feel like a work in progress, figuring out balance, and how to fit in to my role at work.
Time and time again I return to the theme of "balance". My latest goal has been to get out of the house earlier and try to keep up with the dishes and day to day chaos as much as possible to just help things run a little smoother. I think this too is helping shift my frustration and not feeling like I am on top of my game to feeling like I am in control a bit more. Although not huge, I am getting out for a walk at work at least twice a week now, so it is a start.