Transitions into a ramble

Well, the last month has just screamed by.

Being a parent is a huge learning curve. Sometimes that curve is really steep, and at other times, it is a gently curving slope.

In the last month, Brandon pretty much dropped his afternoon nap, Connor's routine is continually evolving, and I am trying to figure it all out and get in time to get the house organized, and maybe eventually find time to get some physical exercise in again (the Wii helps, but it has been off for a while now.. I was SO GOOD in July and August.. that afternoon was so lovely... and now it is so gone.. )

It was hard letting the afternoon nap go - that was my time. I found that was when I got organized, did bills, cleaned up, read a little, did a little exercise, caught up on the net, let my mind just drift... I haven't quite figured out this stage yet - how to sort out "quiet" time for Brandon, and find some time for me in there too. Our routines are shifting - now that the weather is turning (although what is up with the mild nights, I think we are all ready for a colder night and a better sleep, but it isn't happening) I am trying to organize indoor activities and a schedule that works.. definitely a work in progress.

Speaking of work in progress, that describes me. You have to laugh at yourself sometimes, but all I can say is that I am trying to be the best me I can be, but sometimes it feels like I fall flat on my face. I worry that I come off too strong, or too hyper, or just "too much". I am learning how to give myself more processing time, that not everything has to happen yesterday. I am learning more about pacing, although I am not there yet. I am learning more about character arcs, mine. Ken and I are a good balance to each other because we meet somewhere in the middle about all this and I think we have a lot to learn from each other.

I wonder about my communication skills - for some things I am a rock star. Talking about some stuff, I am a wee babe in the woods and you would think that I couldn't talk my way out of a paper bag. *SIGH*. It seems like when it really matters, it is so much harder to articulate yourself. Just because I am over edu-macated doesn't mean I can always get the right words and meaning across, my heart is in the right place even if the rest seems to be lagging behind.

Then there is talking to my mom and my brother. I just don't get why it has to be so difficult, and for such similar reasons. With my mom, it is like she is such a convoluted thinker, it is hard unraveling what she is trying to say, or where her head is at. With my brother, he is so wrapped up in his own life, I don't think he gets what as ass he comes off as. I was trying to tell him the other day that I think we need to sit down and have a talk about how we are talking to each other because I don't like feeling frustrated or pissed off after talking to him, and it always seems like he is ready to shovel it at me, like it is always me that is failing without any pause to see what he is doing, and the impact his words and actions have on those around him. Lashing out and then immediately apologizing doesn't really cut it as a long term strategy.

I get it, I am not perfect. I can think of countless examples of when I say the wrong thing, my face is arranged wrong, the wrong reaction comes out, even when I am struggling to find the right words to say and already both my feet are sticking out of my mouth...(yes my dear hubby, this also means sometimes how I try to communicate with you and how I am not always the best communicator, I am trying, and am sorry for when it seems my wires get crossed). It really seems communication skills goes down the toilet when it comes to my bro, and then my mom. Or vice versa. I want a better relationship with them, sometimes it hurts this feeling of disconnect - how we talk to each other is just brutal sometimes. I am not all that pleased with where it is at now, truthfully it isn't that bad, but it isn't that great either. I don't feel particularly close to either one of them, I feel like I need to treat my brother with kid gloves on, and with my mom, tread lightly because she always seems to be "so stressed out", and her short term memory sucks, especially when it comes to keeping me in the loop of what is going on in her life, and our extended family's lives. Change isn't a one way street in how we talk to each other. We need to meet somewhere in the middle, and be open to growth and not just finger waggling. My bro likes to point out I am busy. Well, yes I am. I have two young kids and I like to spend time with my hubby. Shocking. He doesn't have these commitments, therefore it is easier for him to come to me, but he doesn't want to see it like that because for him, it is never him, it is always someone else. I really try to avoid that, and look inside first, and then expand that awareness out.

Well, this is a post that is more cathartic for me than anything else. A ramble, a derailed train of thought. I don't even know if this post arrived in the station.