All grown up.

I had a coffee date with an old friend of mine today and I think I'm not a kid anymore. Of course, having my own child partially brought about this realization, but seeing my dear friend again after nearly a decade really brought it home that we aren't kids anymore.

We met back in the day doing our undergrad's in English lit, both bookish, and then life happened after our graduation, she went through her own growth and walked down a separate path, and I, well, I still had a lot of growing up to do. So, I returned to the scene of the crime (for lack of something more interesting to describe it as) six months ago and she started in September, as an Instructor.

Which means we both have offices here. And business cards. And people come to see us, for like, advice. Wow. It is surreal, to say the least.

Coffee was lovely, I really look forward to picking up the threads, it is interesting after a long period of time, what is pushed aside, and what you leap in to right away. Then the moments of introspection after, when you realize that you have moved a great distance away from your younger self, even if you are still her, you are more too. Whether it be more experiences, or differences, or shifts, or newer versions of yourself created from life, and reacting to life, and just being.. and all those positive and negative things we get to experience as we run the gauntlet.

Is this thing still on?

What the hell?

Where did the last month go??

I have written many posts in my head. I am tempted to say I am going to back a little and fill in some blanks between now and August (the last time I posted) but I am not going to promise anything at this stage of the game.

But you never know, look back in the next few days, maybe my posts will magically populate themselves.

September has been a sprint.

Work was nuts. We had a great semester start up, no major glitches, just fricken busy. Smoking busy. Paper bred in the middle of the night, I did more records management, managed a temp for a few weeks unexpectedly, got to watch us all get punchy by the end of each week, hyper-funny, and loving the fact that there is a good coffee shop in a stone's throw distance from my office. It is looking more and more like my time alone in my office is coming to an end. Eventually I will be sharing, but damn if I don't have a good space, and a good view, so really, sharing it won't be so bad.

I've read some great books, we moved my gran to a "care campus" (WTF - I really hate politically correct language, lets try to hide what is really happening in pretty words. Straight up can be really brutal, but at least you know where you stand), and Brandon has taken his first true steps, he is on his way, and he is learning all about balance. Hey, aren't we all?

At times, this last month has been overwhelming, and not neccessarily in a negative way, just a lot to take in and process, and grow from, and be honest about, and soul search about, and just be about. I know I am being vague, but it is getting close to my bedtime and I just wanted to throw some words out there, just to be here, say I haven't forgotten about this place to shout out from, and perhaps connect with my friends who don't live so close to the coast.

I am here! There just aren't enough hours in the day.

I am playing some hockey again, and it is great.

We are doing the Terry Fox run/walk tomorrow, and I think that's cool too.

Brandon is almost through the next round of teething, and it is cool he's been in bed a few hours and hasn't woken up.

I love having my wedding rings back and on my finger, looking good.

Going to the gym hasn't happened at all this week, but I am letting it go. Hell, I am just happy to eat lunch let alone get out for a lunch this week. Some weeks things come together, and other weeks, well, it is a struggle to keep everything rolling along as it should.

Lots of hockey.

Hockey, hockey, hockey.

That would describe my past weekend. And it was great! We played in a 4 on 4, coed tourney which involved 2 games Saturday, then party Saturday night, and then back at'er for another 2 games on Sunday. Then picking back up with life again and catching up on shopping, laundry, and some cleaning, while rediscovering muscles that you haven't used in a while because they are a little tender...

I haven't really played a lot since I stopped playing when I was about 10 weeks preggers, and I played a few times last year... but I think I played more this weekend than I have since fall 2005! I could still play - I don't feel like I was obviously the weakest link, my cardio wasn't too bad, and it was fun to be out there. I love playing. It is easy to not remember when you are caught up in life, but it is great getting out there and hitting the ice. We play with a cool group of peeps, and it is interesting, a lot of us are having kids later in life, so where there were no kids at our parties before... now there are many.

Now playing one a week in the fall will be a breeze. I think we have it somewhat organized between some nieces and nephews, maybe some friends that we can make it work for me playing... I committed to our team with a big "life happens" attitude, and that works, so it is all good.

Today I am stiff and achy, and I will be doing a yoga tape tonight. I have also been doing more records management AGAIN so I have been moving lots of boxes around and I am more tired than I was first thing this morning... at least I am starting to see the end of it, or at least we are getting to a manageable place. So close to having what I need in my office, and not just all this crap I really don't want to deal with (but am piece by piece this week in what will hopefully be the tail end of it all).

Big fuzzy moment

As crazy as life seems to get sometimes, life is rolling along pretty decent.

I got my rings back, and they are gorgeous. I love them. I keep looking at them, and they are everything I wanted them to be. How Ken gave them (back) to me was sweetly romantic and I had no idea how much of an impact it would be for me to be able to look down at my wedding rings, have them fit as they should, be totally unique, and be well, mine.

I like my job. We are still reinventing the wheel a fair bit, and catching up on reports that are years old, and finding records that are even decades old, but I am content here.

It makes such a difference to have a room with a view, and to have peers who are about your age and space in life (whether or not they have kids), being able to swap stories, and laughs, and be in a space where there is a gym that you can use for free at lunch, and a decent library, and lots of green spaces. Yes, I know like I am sounding like I am geeking out... but it's huge the difference a year makes. Last year I was just returning to work after my mat leave, back to a place where my office was literally a box within a box within a box, and I never saw daylight. The gym there sucked, and frankly... I was close a few people at work, but not all of them were in the same location as me (or any where close to my age with few exceptions), and well, where I worked was pretty isolated so you never really got a chance to chat, except those chance meetings in the hall going to the can. It has been different here for me - it's been unreal the records management, and learning new systems, and creating new systems, but now that things are evening out a lot more, and I am getting a real feel for working in my new digs, I am a lot happier, this place suits me.

How many places can you go to work, open your window, see the clouds cling to the trees and hear a piper playing?

Lament for a shoe

I was walking in from the parking lots this morning when I launched my sandal.

At least there aren't any students kicking around, otherwise I am sure that I would have pegged someone in the back of the head... I am sure that I had a dumb look on my face, as my shoe landed about 6 feet in front of me, with the buckle behind me.

I am now wearing my runners, and wondering whether or not I should try to fix my sandals.. they are docs, but they were cheap and I bought them online...then again, I think they may still have some life in them, if they had a new buckle. Then again, they were cheap and maybe this is a sign to jettison them.

It's strange wearing running shoes at work. I kind of feel like a dork.

Ever vigilant.

How to articulate this? I find it so frustrating that I have to be a careful watchdog and go over forms and papers with a fine tooth comb. That even when I do, and I pepper people with questions, things still don't work out the way they should. I hate having to be that anal retentive and to double check other peoples work.

Like here at work, I ask one coworker to do stuff, and her time line for gettin'er'done is not anywhere close to what I would consider reasonable. Her concept of alphabetical order also leaves something to be desired. The whinging about her workload is getting old, if you want to see workload, come sit in my office for a few days...

Then there is a claim that I may be able to make through my bank for when my DH was off with his concussion. There is now questions about how the paperwork was originally completed and I have to follow up with my bank to find out who made what mistake.

Last week I called up my extended health folks to make a claim for Brandon, and was told I wasn't the primary health care person. Excuse me? Oh yeah, they had Ken's birthday wrong, so I had to follow up and get that fixed too.

If it just happened here and there it wouldn't be so bad, but where the hell is the accountability?

I've always gone by the "execute as you want things executed for yourself" motto, but man, so many people drop the ball out there.

So, I will remain ever vigilant, picking over papers and asking lots of questions (cumulative knowledge has got to help out somewhere along the line). Given to random rants.

Books, books, and more books.

Ahhhhhhhhh. Summer reading. Almost as good as fall reading, lol.

I have been reading a hodge-podge of books in the last few weeks. I was eagerly awaiting the next Slade book, and it didn't disappoint. Crucified - a great title. I just wish the book was a little longer.. the last 2 Slade books have been action packed, great thrillers, but just not nearly as long as some of their predecessors and since I really like their writing, I find the last few pages almost sad since I am already finding my way to the end of the book.

I also read my first book by Gerritsen, and I really enjoyed it. In fact, it was one of those books that you pick up and then all of a sudden, a day later, you realize you need to find the next book you can by this author. I like her writing style, and I really enjoyed the story.

Yes, I really enjoy the forensic type novels.

Then there are the Rankin books I am working my way through. I like them, but I find that the reading for me doesn't flow as easily as some other authors, although I do enjoy them overall. I finished one called Mortal Causes and now I am working on the Ressurection Men. I have been damn tired when I have been falling in to bed lately, so that may be why I am having such a hard time finishing the second book... I like the characters, I just find that this current one is a little more convoluted so I guess I am spending more time thinking about it?! I don't know...

Soon I will start back on my slightly more academic books.

Ah yes, I am also working on a copy of Freakonomics... now this is an interesting read! A whole different look at economics and how the world works. Well worth a browse through, especially the chapter on why drug dealers live with their parents and what sump wrestlers and teachers have in common... you don't even need to be a rocket scientist to appreciate this one!

August.

The month of crazy breaks and get aways has finally drawn to a close.

It has been an helluva month - from San Diego to small town Alberta, and camping down south in an amazing State Park, we have seen and done some really cool stuff. Hopefully soon I will update with some pictures, but no promises.

I finally went back to the gym. I figured I was getting really good at procrastinating, and finding other reasons not to go and work out, that it was time. I think in my head I had an idea that once July had come and gone, I would get serious about it again. Or as serious as I get about working out - I am going to aim for either 4 days of cardio or 2 days on the elliptical and 2 swimming. We'll see how well I am able to stick to that. I was feeling so much better that I really noticed not getting out and adding that little bit to my day.

Work isn't quite so crazy, either that or I am getting used to it all.

And the weather is amazing again, really warm and clear. It's great to kill my appetite..

I'm getting my rings fixed. A friend of the family is doing the work, and we are getting it done right. I can't believe how aware I was of my rings, and how strange my fingers feel without them. I was definitely channeling my more feminine side when we were talking about what I wanted to have done, and the style, and how I felt about my rings. I can't wait.

RELIEF

Super Hubby found my ring!!!!

I am ***so*** relieved. I have a call in to the fellow who will be doing the repairs and I have learned the lesson. I won't wear them until they are fixed and won't shift on my fingers.

Speaking of which, TGIF. I am tired. Getting away the last two weekends has been great, but a weekend of being almost normal is a thing of beauty. Quiet night tonight, and then we'll see how the rest of the weekend unfolds.

A complete circle?

I am kind of at a loss for words this morning.

Just over two years ago, my engagement ring broke and I lost the diamond.. which I did end up finding a few months later, but the ring has sat in jewelry box since then because life has gotten in the way of actually getting it fixed.

Well, this morning, as I sat down for our team meeting, and I looked down at my hand. My left hand to be specific. It was naked. No wedding band. FUCK. I could feel the blood drain from my face. The ring was a little big when I got it, and since I didn't know if I would gain weight in my hands with pregnancy I didn't get it fixed at the time, and now it was on my current mental list of things to do - get the engagement ring fixed and size my band. I am hoping for a second miracle that lets me find my ring. So many sentimental reasons - the gold was my grandfather's and contained a few melted down rings, a friend had made the ring, and well, it was my wedding band.

I am hoping it is at home, since I know I had it last night when I left work (since I always play with the band because it is a little big), and I will just need to reconstruct the places that I went. I have everything crossed, and need to make a plan with my dear hubby about all this. The time has come to make the call to the family jeweler to sort this out. It sucks having a ring I can't wear, and it sucks that maybe I have lost the second one. FUCK. It frustrates me so much because aside from some really nice earrings I got from Ken, I don't have a lot of valuable jewelry. I have some really nice silver jewelry, but it just isn't on the same level. This was it - my wedding rings. You have faith when things are made that they are made right... and well, I guess not the place a corner should have been cut and now it is a life lesson.

A two year old.

I am the mother of a two year old.

Wow.

Ken had the house all decorated when I got home, and Brandon was just absolutely gleeful. He was singing Happy Birthday to himself and he couldn't wait to blow out the candles. This year, he even tore in to a few packages, although he did have the attention span of a gnat when it came to playing with each of his new gifts. I got him a Bob the Builder ice cream cake, and he was way more interested in licking the icing off the cake than eating the ice cream?! We had the grandfolks over, and it was a great time.

The joy on his face, and the funny things that he says. We are both pretty proud parents of our little guy.

A humbling read

This seems to be the year that I am finding more books that move me.

There are some books out there that are "technical" good reads because they are well written, regardless of whether or not you really liked the book (for me, that would be something like A Fine Balance because it was well written, but I can't say I am jumping up and down with excitement from the experience) and then there are the "good reads" because you flip the pages as quickly as you can (like Riptide, or some of the crime novels that I read). Then there are the good reads which aren't necessarily perfect, but they move you, or humble you, or cause you to think about something you have never considered before, or they open your eyes, or cause you to appreciate some element of life just a little more. I just finished one of those books.

Last year I watched an interview on the morning news with a fellow named Ishmael. He was a child soldier from Sierra Leone, and I remember just how compelling his story seemed to be. I have wanted to read his story for a long time, and I had a "moment" and realized it was probably at the library where I work, rather than waiting to buy (or remember to buy it).

Well, it was a moving story, one that shattered a few conceptions that I had. It is called A long way gone and it is a worthy read (an autobiography) to even just have a glimmer of what happened out there, and what these kids went through. Ishmael tells his tale in a way that lays it all out there, the good, the bad and the ugly. He doesn't hide behind words, or mince words, and there were times I had to put the book down and take it all in. It is a terrible story in many ways, and yet one that contains hope. I would recommend it as a read, although not one if you want a light and fluffy escapist book. This isn't it. So much of what happens in his young life, I couldn't imagine. His tale also reminds of how resilient humans can be when given the chance, but how hard of a struggle it truly can be to do so.

Berry Time

The downside of June-uary was a terrible crop of strawberries.

Kazzicus Domesticus has reared her head and let out a great big roar today. Shopped in the morning, enjoyed the new window my dad installed (yay! fresh air!!), got to visit the newest member of our extended family tonight after I finished a blanket in the car for him, then got home, watched some mindless tv, cleaned the fish tank after coming to the realization that yes the water should not be that colour green... and no, that water isn't moving (sorry fish sacrifice that didn't make it), and then I decided that truly tonight should never end because I have now made 2 batches of strawberry jam.

Or, should I say, one batch of strawberry, one of strawberry and blueberry, since the berries I bought didn't stretch in to two batches. They were shit berries. Small, great for jam, and lots of rotten ones. They were so bad this year I wasn't even tempted by these berries to put them in a bowl and eat them like a big kid. No big juicy red ones that make you drool just admiring them.

And because I don't have enough to do, I am running a process for work while I am off so I can get an "extra day" tacked on, meaning Monday. These two weeks have flown by. I had one of those damned lists, and I have notched a few things off, but I am letting a few things go too.

Honestly though, I am still up because I am excited. We are heading down to So-Cal to visit one of my bestest friends and her hubby and celebrate being alive. I can't wait. Just to hang out, catch up, hit the outlet malls. When we talked the other night, she said the weather was going to be good - it shouldn't be over a 100! Crazy talk! This BC girl is in a for a bit of an awakening after our spring. Yes, the last few weeks have been amazing, almost good enough weatherwise to help one forget just how much it did rain...

Weird Karma.

As a kid, I was a biter.

I was that annoying kid at the family get togethers that would be crawling under the table and biting peoples ankles. My aunt threatened to keep a wool coat she had with the perfect imprint of my upper and lower teeth in the corner of it.

Funny how when you have kids, people do say life comes around full circle.

So it is apt that Brandon too is a bit of a biter and I am getting a taste of my own medicine, so to speak. The biting urge seems to get worse with teething, but it's there. I ask him not to bite and end up with my hand on his forehead to hold him off, and then he tells me to "stop that mommy". It is funny as hell BUT I don't want to encourage biting, so I am trying positive and negative reinforcement, and hopefully this is a short stage.

I didn't imagine having conversations with my two year old. The other day I was attempting to put him down and he went for my shirt. I am sure if I gave him the chance he would breast feed right up until he had to go to school, and to quote my little darling:

B - "Boobies!"

Me - "Yes Brandon, those are mom's boobies." Trying really hard not to do an eye roll and hoping that he doesn't attempt to latch on. We have weaned about 99%.

With a funny look on his face, "Boobies in a bra, mom."

What do you say to that?

I think after so long going down for naps with me, and associating naps and bedtime with me and offering b'feeding, it is a struggle for me to put him down for a sleep. He fights it, the routines don't really help, ultimately we rock, and read, and sing, and cuddle, and I usually end up falling asleep with him on the bed (which is actually quite endearing but exhausting after the tears, the cajoling, the leaving, the screaming behind the door, and the entreaties to say the least). At least today the routine went better than the last few days. Could help that I really tired him out.

It is amazing how different he is to go down for anyone else. For Ken, he is a dream. They read a few books, a cuddle, Brandon asks for a hug and kiss, and a "see you in the morning" and they are DONE! It's almost funny. He goes down for naps and bed great for everyone but me. I guess that means I am some kind of special?

Read this book.

Every now and then a book comes along that takes your breath away.

This month's read for book club was like that. It was Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See. The title is appropriate after you read the book, but doesn't really give you any indication of what or how the book is going to unfold.

What a BOOK!! All of us couldn't put it down, and all of us were excited to talk about this book (which isn't always the case) - after we talked about our families, and ate lots of good food, and well, just enjoyed being together and being women, and talking about just everything before we wound our way around back to the book. I didn't know what to expect, but it was a beautiful, moving, somewhat disturbing and gritty, but very elegantly written tale of two women in China beginning in the 1820s when women still went through foot binding. Parts were really hard to read (from the point of view of what was acceptable to do to women), and yet, it was a book that felt like it gave you access to a part of the world and set of experiences that are completely foreign to a twentieth century Caucasian woman.

We got to talking about standards of beauty, and what is considered barbaric, and what is truly "all in the eye of the beholder" when you discuss foot binding, whale-boned corsets, labrettes, head binding to create a flat forehead, piercings, high heels and bras all in the same conversation. Being born in our time, in this place was something we all agreed upon as being really good, especially as a result of some of the books we have read and experiences we have collectively had or read/heard/been exposed to.

Of course, the next book I read after this didn't measure up by any standard. It was just an ok read and one that just didn't flow all that great for me. Then again, this book set a pretty high standard.

Sunny days...

Although you can't see Brandon's face, I thought that the composition of this shot was kind of cool. For once, I think that the tide was too far out - it was so far out that it was awesome to make sandcastles in because the sand was really dry, but once you got to the water's edge, it was all seaweed as far as the eye could see, and frankly, Brandon isn't going in for a walk or a swim in it when you just can't see what he is going through or stepping on... saw lots of big clams and crabs, and I am comforted by the fact that I have seen some sand dollars on the beach again (it had been years).

It's nice to be off this week. Although the days are flying by. I have a "to do" list so I remember to do a few of the projects that would nice to get done... like chopping back our laurel hedge that is totally unruly, and painting around my stove (this was just a touch up job caused by getting a new stove that was a different size than the last one... and ok, so we did that last Christmas... welcome to life with kids and a whole new set of priorities).

Almost there!

Ever gone up a stairs in the heat to check out a view...

Not in Kansas anymore...

Every time we have driven out to Steveston, I have been curious about the Buddhist Temple. You can just make out bits and pieces of the architecture as you go speeding by. On a lark, we decided to make a family outing of it, and took off to Steveston for both a trip to the Temple and then off to the docks for some fish and chips. It was a great afternoon.


What a peaceful, beautiful oasis. The gardens and grounds were lovely, it was quiet, the attention to details was staggering. It was humbling walking around the buildings and the gardens, and just seeing a different way to worship and a different set of ideals. It didn't feel like somewhere you could reach in a half hour drive, it felt foreign and yet inviting. There was so much for your senses to take it - it was a very cool experience.

The doors were wide open, and yes, there were a few places to give donations if you so chose, but it wasn't in your face. It feels like a place of learning, and there were monks walking around. You could drop in and listen to the various talks that were taking place, or stop for a vegetarian meal, or just sit by a perfect banzai and just soak it all in. There is something really appealing about Buddhism, I would love to know a little more. I would also love to see more female Buddhas. It's a catch of all the so-called great religions, you see lots of male faces, and not so much of the female. Where does the fear of the "other" come from? I know that is an entirely different train of thought, but I don't see division, I see complementary forms between men and women.

This seated Buddha caught my imagination - the artist truly caught an element of mischievousness here -

Still?

So we got back from parts in the British Columbian 'Boo on Sunday, and it feels like I have been running ever since. I am back at work for a week, and then I am off again for 2. Yes, daycare owns our ass and since our daycare is closing for July, we are taking rotating holidays to cover the month. I get the first 2 weeks, Ken the next 2, and my mom gets one.

And damn, if it doesn't look like the month of July is going to go even quicker than June.

Er. Should I say Junuary? Needless to say it is almost time to celebrate when the glowing orb decides to reveal itself from behind the clouds.

I am still itching from my bug bites. My legs look like shit - I am a scratcher and I look like I had the chicken pox with all the red marks from the knees down. I also managed to scrap most of the skin off of one of my big toes, and being in a spot like that, and wearing shoes and all, well, the healing isn't exactly happening at a brisk pace.

It was a good break, and hopefully in the next few days I will go back and in fill in a few gaps, but so far all I have been able to do is compose blogger messages in my head, and hope that I could spare a few moments to write even just something. It is a tricky balance being a full-time career mom. There aren't enough hours in the day, and sometimes, just trying to figure out the time to connect with friends is hard. Hell, trying to get your laundry put away some days is a challenge! So, even though we got home at a decent time on Sunday (thankfully) this whole week has been about catching up, and putting things away, and food shopping, and then with work, dealing with what wasn't done when I was away, doing presentations, and then getting ready to go away again!! I can't wait to just alternate between doing some really cool stuff we have planned for July and hanging around the house and not having to go to work and doing some different stuff.

In a nutshell - the more I see of BC the more I love it here. We are damn fortunate to live where we do and call this incredible place home. Once you pass through the gates of Hope the whole province opens up, and there are places that take your breath away, and by the same token, open spaces to catch your break again to get away from the concrete jungle for a bit and recharge your batteries. Heading up and down the Fraser, it is hard to get away from the history of this province, between the gold rush, and the salmon fisheries, and logging. Yet the more you learn about it, the more interesting it becomes...

Bah.

What a shit week weather wise.

We turned the heat on again 2 days ago. I wore my peacoat again. The dark colours have been the predominant colours this week. And I just feel - blah. The highlight so far this week has been going out on a date with Ken and catching a movie.

One day pretty much all I saw outside my window was white. That and the rain hitting the glass.

It's felt like an uphill week, and like my mind has been skittering around and that nothing has come easily - except date night. Brandon even went to sleep nicely for his cousin!! woo woo!

We are heading away on holidays next weekend, and it can't come soon enough. I am just tired, need a change of scenery, time to hang with the family longer than just a weekend.

Ok, so what I have been doing is a lot of whining.

There has been some other good stuff, I finished a bunch of books. I finished one called a A Song for my Daughter" by a BC author. It was great reading about locales I know, especially going up the Fraser since that is a trip we will be making next week. It was a book the delved in to myth, and archetypes, and stories within stories. It wasn't great, it was a good solid read, especially since it was locally written! I was also thoroughly wrapped up in a book called Mortal Fear by Greg Iles.. WOAH. Talk about a book that took a while to get in to, but once I was, I literally could not put it down. I got kicked out of my office for a bit yesterday so a picture could be hung, and I stood in the concourse reading it... Ah yes, once a geek, always a geek. MAN. It was good.

It's funny, I know I see life through rose-tinted glasses, it helps, and I try to always see the positive side, but it is amazing how it can help just typing out the whining, and maybe reflecting a bit on the good stuff just to help put things back in perspective. I have been kicking it just - blah style - all week. Yet there have been these moments, and moments like in the morning sitting with Brandon on the couch, or even getting out with Ken for a few hours, or finishing a book that I was thoroughly in to... helps make up for the rest. I think life does balance out when you give yourself a chance to see that. Ok, enough philosophy for the moment. Lunch break is pretty much done.