A three year old's taste buds...

At times, Brandon has been what you could call a picky eater. I really have not tried to cater to his eating whims, but sometimes it comes to "picking your battles".

Brandon has liked hamburger, and has slowly been okay with roast, but has always turned up his nose at steak and bacon.

Well, that changed this weekend. My son now loves bacon. It being's my DH's birthday, we had steak. I made Brandon a piece of chicken, which has always been a favorite of his, and well, he didn't want it. He wanted steak. Bloody hell. So, he got some of my amazingly marinated and nicely cooked steak. Lucky dude.

I will be making chicken noodle soup tomorrow.

Carts of Darkness

We try to catch a show about the Northwest when we can. There are interesting travel tidbits, and arcane Northwest (north and south of the border) insider knowledge (places, people, etc) that get showcased.

Last night, the focus was on a local film maker from the North Shore, and his tale. After a hiatus from film after an accident that left him paralyzed, his latest work is called "Carts of Darkness". A really unique look in to poverty, and freedom with a wet coast flavor. We haven't seen the whole video, but what we have seen, is really compelling. You can check out the NFB website for shorter clips... but what we saw was a real jaw dropper.

My new BFF: the slow cooker

Knowing I have to go back to work once again when my maternity leave is over next year, I am trying out some new routines to help me out when I know every week is going to be a bit of a time crunch.

The difference between one and two kids comes down to time management. You need to be that much more organized to orchestrate your family lives.

In my attempt to be proactive, I have become friends with a slow cooker. AKA the old school crock pot. I must say, there is something to be said about having your dinner done at 8 in the morning, and all you have to do is wait. If you are home, stir a few times, but other than that... not too much. I am quickly becoming a little enamored of this time saver...

So far, I have tried a beef stew, butter chicken/red curry chicken, and today, I am going for pulled pork. I saw how it was done on Thanksgiving, and I am a little excited. Dinner is already ready, I have some of those buns you throw in the oven to warm up, and a prepackaged coleslaw package. Viola! I could even manage this dinner after a long day at work... I am definitely open to any suggestions that may be out there....

Ruined by a good book.

I am having a hard time reading fluff and formulaic writers.

Fancy that.

In the last few months, I have picked up a few stellar reads, and I willingly admit, I am also on a bit of a Rankin kick as well. I have also picked up a few not so stellar reads. I zipped my way through an Johansen book, and it struck me I had read this book by her, with a slightly different twist and different names before. It made me a little sad, I used to really enjoy her books. I guess I shouldn't have followed that one up with one she wrote with her son... a thread of a plot, and just so out there, I could not do it. Shelved. It will be paid forward. I just want a little more from my books right now - even just a little more plot and character development... maybe not real, but not so far fetched either.

I am reading a Turow book, the Burden of Proof. I have read a few of his books, and they are different. Really good plot development and different characters. They are flawed, and their stories are really quite interesting even if on the surface, they don't appear to be.

I am sitting on the new Gabaldon, I am not sure what exactly I am waiting for, but I will jump in to that one at the right time. I am also sittong on the new Brown... that too I am holding off reading until I am in the mood. I am not sure why I am waiting to read these two, especially with the Gabaldon, I waited so long for the next one to come out that I don't want to rush it. Some novels you savor, and with the exception of the Fiery Cross, Gabaldon's are personal favorites.

Speaking of which, any recommendations of some good reads??? I am currently in need of some.

N1H1Nooooonsense

With the exception of our wee dude, my family has been vaccinated against the nasty flu going around.

I do not like how the media attention has created a form of hysteria about this flu. I am nervous. I am really glad we've had the shot, especially for Brandon. Once you have kids, it really isn't about you anymore, and having held the big B through a flu as he puked all over me, again and again and again, I want to spare him this nasty go around. It does not help he has an underlying medical condition, so to speak. Of course, the day before we were to get the shot, the boys both had some cold symptoms happening. What I am getting back around to saying is that I don't normally like to get these kind of shots, but, I felt I had to this year, that it would be irresponsible not to get it. That every newspaper headline except today screamed out the panic (thank you big O for being a different news topic, 100 more days to go until a new type of chaos on the wet coast) for how many days running doesn't help. Nor do the images of people standing in line for hours and hours.

I talked to our pediatrician, Ken talked to his doctor, and I talked to mine. None have ever seen a flu hit young people like this one does. They all whole heartedly recommended we all get it. With my doctor, he was concerned, and was happy to give me the vaccine, which is a first (I have avoided the other rounds, I'm healthy!). It's hard to go against that kind of advice, even if I am a little begrudging about doing it.

Now, that being said, the shot I got after Connor's birth for having the RH - factor was worse than this one! Connor was a rock star for his 4 month old shots, and is now sleeping peacefully. Brandon is tearing apart his sandbox, and for that I am happy. Three year olds are pretty full on. I feel like he has been cooped up the last few days and it is good to see him blowing off some steam.

Wow. Lookee that. I think I can officially join the ranks for NaBloPoMo. Woo woo! Of course, I say this now...

Whatever works.

So maybe, I worked some magic when I realized November had already started and I was hoping to do a little NaBloPoMo again this year.. I missed doing it last year!

It seems that all of the information management courses I have been to is starting to sink in. Either that or having two hard drives roll over and quit in the last year has also been a good motivator.

I am finally making the time to organize our photos, and other various CDs and mixed DVDs we have laying around. When you can buy a 100 blanks for under $30, it is amazing how they breed and lay around creating more shiny discs.

Our original organization method isn't working anymore. I have devised an easier way to keep track of all of our photos chronologically. Of course, I got there after putting together all the photo discs we had everywhere. Some loose, some in sleeves, some in binders, some shoved in spindles, some just, well, somehow they got themselves found. It feels like a huge job. I also want to get some more photos printed out, and just stay on top of it. I have made the end of the month official organize the monthly photos, do the labeling, the archiving, and then the backing up time.

Now I have to figure out how we will print and have some for future. I think it is really important to have something, and not just a bunch of discs in order. There is something to be said about having photos (or books for that matter) in your hand. To see them, to feel them. My mom is going through her photos too, and she was looking to throw out a few of the older books because they had the sticky pages that ruin photos eventually. I was horrified when I saw what pictures she was leaving behind, and that made me appreciate what those photos meant to me as a kid, growing up, and being able to refer to them. You don't remember everything, and some memories are constructed around the images that exist from your youth, so I guess that is the other motivation behind getting our photos organized. Our past. Our images. Organized in a way that makes sense to us. Our favorites.

I have 2006 pretty much done, and 2009 looks good. 2007 and 2008 look like more work. I enjoy it - it is also just having the time to think, and just get'er done. I look at all the backup discs we have, and so many are partial, and with the old organizing system. I am glad we have the back ups, but I will reburn after I finish off the new chronological system so it is easier to see what we have, and find it, when we want something.

Then come the videos!! What have I gotten myself in to? Ah yes, just in case. I couldn't imagine my hard drive rolling over again and not having the photos especially backed up. Lots of memories buried in our computer. Phew. Damn wordy for nearly midnight.

And why isn't she performing for the big event?

Not that I need to take much issue with how Olympic performers are being chosen, but after seeing Susan Aglukark in a nice, intimate concert, I can't help but wonder why her music and her message has slipped past the organizers??? Hello, strong Canadian woman who does a lot of work supporting her communities??!!!

For our second night in as many nights, Ken and I got a date night. Aglukark is a nice storyteller, has a great backup band, has a beautiful singing voice, and put on a good show. She sings in both Inuit and English, and her songs have simple but profound messages (and stories) to tell. It was cool, she even opened the second half of her set up to questions before she launched in to the rest of her music. It was a really nice night.

Halloweening

Well, that was October. Somewhere along the line, I have really come to embrace the month of October. From Thanksgiving, pumpkin patches, the coming of Autumn, Hallowe'en, and all the rest, I just really enjoy this month as the seasons turn.

We've had a cool weekend so far, even if I felt a bit wiggy yesterday for a while. We saw Flogging Molly at the Commodore on Friday night. They were just awesome. I had a Guinness, got to hang out with my man sans kids, and got to enjoy the night out in an adult establishment. Not many costumes until we got out and wandered out on to Granville, and the show was just kick ass. The opening band was full of long 80's hair and enthusiasm and may be good in a few years, the second band, old school punks from Winnipeg were great... and then Flogging Molly. They were just awesome. I jumped around. I bounced around. I enjoyed my position to the side of the stage at the edge of the pit. Ahh. I needed that. The music was just pumping - loved it when they played Rebel of the Sacred Heart, Drunken Lullabies, and the Devil's Dancefloor... and all the others too. Lots of energy, the band all wore cheesy costumes, and one of the best concerts I have seen in years...

Halloween was fun - Brandon was an alligator, and Connor was Tigger. Too cute! We did the mall thing (not really my cup of tea but was good for Ken's mom to come out with us) and then some trick or treating around our hood. Can't say there are a lot of kids in our area so it was more get a little candy and chat to our neighbors for the token time a year.. friends were over, and we hung out for the night. It was cool - next year, maybe some fireworks.

We are getting it together to go to another concert tonight.. I can't believe that we have tickets for two concerts in three days and that is almost the same amount of concerts that we have been to in three years... gaining the extra hour hasn't really helped today - Brandon was up early, and our schedules seem just a little off.

Shedding.

Ah yes. I remember this. A few months after your babe makes it's grand arrival ... your hair starts to fall out. When it is as long as mine, lovely hairballs that you get to vacuum up. Joy.

It started off a miserable day, and then the wind chased the rains away. It has turned in to a beautiful day - and I am busy cleaning. The usual Monday chaos. Plus, my book club gals are coming over, so I am using a little bit more elbow grease than usual. Ah, who am I kidding, some weekends I just go on strike when it comes to housecleaning and then come Monday, it is time to bring order back to chaos.

We have been reading a book that I would recommend highly as both an inspirational read, and one that has made me kick back and reflect on a few things. We are reading Three Cups of Tea, an autobiographical book about a fellow named Greg and how he is working to bring change to world, a little bit at a time. I think this is a really important book because it focuses on what one person can do, and how much a little kindness can mean. Whether it being nursed back to health, or brining education to poverty stricken folk. I am not going to have this book done before we meet, and although I borrowed a copy, I have picked up my own copy to have on the shelf, to be read again one day, and perhaps loaned out to a few people as well to "spread the word". It is enlightening to read a book about Pakistan and Afghanistan, about it's peoples, and how one man's vision to reach out has had a grassroots, significant difference. I think that is where it is all about, living honourably, reaching out when you can, truly recognizing the delicate web we all live in. The driving force behind the book and the movement, Greg, is inspiring in his humility and drive, as well as his passion. His passion for life, to better the plight of those for others, his love of his family, and even his approach to life in general is unique and makes for a thoughtful read. This also puts a different slant on what has been happening in the middle east, perhaps helping someone like me be a little more understanding.

Music...

I love autumn. I love the colours, I love cold and crisp mornings, I love how the seasons shift. This year, I am even happy to see the rain (I won't say that too loud). I love Hallowe'ening. I like getting dressed up, carving pumpkins, scaring myself silly, and honouring our dead.

Strangely enough, all the bands I have wanted to see for a while are in town in the next few weeks. We have tickets to see Flogging Molly at the place with the bouncing floor. I can't wait. I see a Guinness in my future, and a lot of jumping around to their crazy celtic, punk rock sounds. I can't wait.

Then, ZZ Top is also coming to town, but out in the Bible Belt. All told, two tickets are pretty much $200. I hummed. I hawed. Could we drop that much to see ZZ Top? I have wanted to see them for years... Could I justify spending that much to see one band play? Especially knowing I would get that much more show in a smaller venue a few weeks earlier? Nope. I couldn't do it. Those tickets are too rich for my blood. Or I am just too damn cheap. I have a hard time justifying dropping $200 for a concert. Ain't happening. It isn't even a FESTIVAL!!! So bah.

And now we are going to check out Susan Aglukark. I happened to notice her concert in the weekly series, and mentioned it to my DH. Ken has been a fan for years, and she has a beautiful voice. Her songs tell stories. I just laugh because I want to see the crazy celtic punk rock band, and my hubby wants to see the culturally rich storytelling singer. We make one helluva team I must say!

Two concerts in a week - and a whole lot of hallwe'ening, now that is a rare and unusual event...

Transitions into a ramble

Well, the last month has just screamed by.

Being a parent is a huge learning curve. Sometimes that curve is really steep, and at other times, it is a gently curving slope.

In the last month, Brandon pretty much dropped his afternoon nap, Connor's routine is continually evolving, and I am trying to figure it all out and get in time to get the house organized, and maybe eventually find time to get some physical exercise in again (the Wii helps, but it has been off for a while now.. I was SO GOOD in July and August.. that afternoon was so lovely... and now it is so gone.. )

It was hard letting the afternoon nap go - that was my time. I found that was when I got organized, did bills, cleaned up, read a little, did a little exercise, caught up on the net, let my mind just drift... I haven't quite figured out this stage yet - how to sort out "quiet" time for Brandon, and find some time for me in there too. Our routines are shifting - now that the weather is turning (although what is up with the mild nights, I think we are all ready for a colder night and a better sleep, but it isn't happening) I am trying to organize indoor activities and a schedule that works.. definitely a work in progress.

Speaking of work in progress, that describes me. You have to laugh at yourself sometimes, but all I can say is that I am trying to be the best me I can be, but sometimes it feels like I fall flat on my face. I worry that I come off too strong, or too hyper, or just "too much". I am learning how to give myself more processing time, that not everything has to happen yesterday. I am learning more about pacing, although I am not there yet. I am learning more about character arcs, mine. Ken and I are a good balance to each other because we meet somewhere in the middle about all this and I think we have a lot to learn from each other.

I wonder about my communication skills - for some things I am a rock star. Talking about some stuff, I am a wee babe in the woods and you would think that I couldn't talk my way out of a paper bag. *SIGH*. It seems like when it really matters, it is so much harder to articulate yourself. Just because I am over edu-macated doesn't mean I can always get the right words and meaning across, my heart is in the right place even if the rest seems to be lagging behind.

Then there is talking to my mom and my brother. I just don't get why it has to be so difficult, and for such similar reasons. With my mom, it is like she is such a convoluted thinker, it is hard unraveling what she is trying to say, or where her head is at. With my brother, he is so wrapped up in his own life, I don't think he gets what as ass he comes off as. I was trying to tell him the other day that I think we need to sit down and have a talk about how we are talking to each other because I don't like feeling frustrated or pissed off after talking to him, and it always seems like he is ready to shovel it at me, like it is always me that is failing without any pause to see what he is doing, and the impact his words and actions have on those around him. Lashing out and then immediately apologizing doesn't really cut it as a long term strategy.

I get it, I am not perfect. I can think of countless examples of when I say the wrong thing, my face is arranged wrong, the wrong reaction comes out, even when I am struggling to find the right words to say and already both my feet are sticking out of my mouth...(yes my dear hubby, this also means sometimes how I try to communicate with you and how I am not always the best communicator, I am trying, and am sorry for when it seems my wires get crossed). It really seems communication skills goes down the toilet when it comes to my bro, and then my mom. Or vice versa. I want a better relationship with them, sometimes it hurts this feeling of disconnect - how we talk to each other is just brutal sometimes. I am not all that pleased with where it is at now, truthfully it isn't that bad, but it isn't that great either. I don't feel particularly close to either one of them, I feel like I need to treat my brother with kid gloves on, and with my mom, tread lightly because she always seems to be "so stressed out", and her short term memory sucks, especially when it comes to keeping me in the loop of what is going on in her life, and our extended family's lives. Change isn't a one way street in how we talk to each other. We need to meet somewhere in the middle, and be open to growth and not just finger waggling. My bro likes to point out I am busy. Well, yes I am. I have two young kids and I like to spend time with my hubby. Shocking. He doesn't have these commitments, therefore it is easier for him to come to me, but he doesn't want to see it like that because for him, it is never him, it is always someone else. I really try to avoid that, and look inside first, and then expand that awareness out.

Well, this is a post that is more cathartic for me than anything else. A ramble, a derailed train of thought. I don't even know if this post arrived in the station.

Nudisms, to the Whys.

Welcome to life with a three year old.

With toilet training came the nudist phase in Brandon's life. I knew it was coming, and it has been amusing. Sometimes he is partially clad, sometimes not.

Now, we are moving through the nudist phase and in to the "why's".

Our conversations are interesting.

Hey mom, why are we having pasta for dinner?
..Well, because we all like it.
Why?
..It tastes good, and it is good for us.
Why?
..Well, pasta has carbs, and tomatoes are really good for us. You also like burger meat, which is helpful to get protein.
Why?
..protein helps build muscle and you are getting really tall.
Why?
..Because your mom and dad are tall.
Why?
..That is how genetics works.
Why?
.. Because the sky is blue.
Why?
..Because that is how the light is being reflected and how the light is translated in to our brains.
Why?
.. That is how it is.
Why?
Why?
Why?

Why's test your patience. You can also come up with some pretty good answers too. You can also come up with some pretty lame answers as well. See previous conversation for blatant examples.

Lussier Hot Springs

When in the Rockies... seek out Hot Springs. Since my first trip to Fairmont with Ken, I have discovered the joys of visiting the local hot springs. First trip back in 2003 we went to Radium, which is beautiful, and this trip I wanted to taste what it was like to experience both a rugged and undeveloped springs, and then what Fairmont was actually like.

Talk about extremes. Lussier Hot Springs was breathtaking. Unfortunately it was just too cold to keep Connor outdoors, so Ken graciously took him to the van whilst I plunged in with Brandon... man, I reflect on some of things these two have already experienced.. and they aren't five!!


It was cold, there was snow on the ground, and you are 18km down a logging road on route to a provincial park. I figured there wouldn't be many folks around, but there was a steady stream of people coming and going. Talking to folks, I figure it takes a bit more a curious soul to travel to a place like this, and a bit adventurous too. The first pool is really hot, the middle pool, it is quite nice, and the lower pools are cooler (sounds like a nursery rhyme). Being me, I did fling myself in to the glacier fed river and then run back in to the pools - it was awesome. Talk about feeling alive! Brandon found the hot pool too hot... so we stayed in the middle pool. I could have stayed there all day - next time hopefully both kids are of an age we can take them both in, or that we can leave the kids behind with family, and Ken and I make an outing of it...

Just beautiful though...an experience that will really stand out for me!

So what shade of brown is that guinness?

I must quote an old, dear girlfriend with whom I have seen many years pass. Like a few others where we weren't always on the same page at the same time, we seemed to keep a thread alive until we were back on the same page again.

Last night, with my bookclub babes, we were talking about the past, and she said, "you know you are in a different stage of life when you are no longer talking about the beautiful shade of brown that your guinness is, rather, the rather earthy shade of brown that your kids movement was."

Yup. She nailed it. What? Spare time and money to kick back and drink beers until the wee hours of the night? I used to do that?? Me? Really??!! It seems like a lifetime ago - now, in the middle of diapers and the end of toilet training, nightly wakings for feedings, and budgets, and reading books, and playing with cool toys. Yeah, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Everything in it's own time, and I am glad I have the fuzzy memories of the past to give me some chuckles, but really, the here and now is pretty damn cool and I feel pretty grateful.

Sometimes you hear an old song, or see an old face, or even just chat about where you have been and where you are going, and you realize that you have been many different selves, or shades of yourself with a core you. Time marches on, no matter what moment is now.

Now I have to wait?

I just finished reading two most excellent books, Steig Larrson's first two books from the Millenium series - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and then The Girl Who Played with Fire.

The third book won't be translated from Swedish until next year. May in fact. Nothing like finding a few really good books and then having to wait almost a year until the final book will be released. The other unfortunate part is that Larrson passed on 5 years ago, so the series is done with 3 and what apparently originally slated to be 10 books...

I raced through the first book, and then savoured the second book a bit more, knowing that I would be waiting for the final installment, and just really enjoying the read.

These books were great, well off the beaten track, interesting plot, keeps you guessing, the characters are well drawn out, and the social issues revealed in the course of the books were pretty interesting as well. I feel bereft that the books are done - picking up my Deaver just isn't on the same level.

Unnerving.

After a great holiday, and decent border experiences, we arrived home to discover that the fridge got turned off. Bloody hell.

You're tired. Your kids are tired of being cooped up in a moving vehicle. Your cats are clinging to you because you finally got home. It's your parents 40th wedding anniversary and you are making dinner. Your youngest needs to be breast fed, and everyone needs to go the can. Your fridge is off, and the meat had melted and there is water and crap on the floor. And then the funky smell of food going bad. It felt like a bit of a catastrophe. Something to be said about being a team with your spouse. Ken tackled the roast and the bulk of cleaning the fridge, and I dealt with the kids. Well, kid. Brandon was having a nap, and thankfully, he continued to sleep once we got home which really helped us just to deal with the mess. Connor was a bit out of sorts, understandably after being in total chaos on the road as an almost three month old!

We lost pretty much everything. The fridge stuff, the freezer stuff. I had stockpiled a bit knowing we would be on a budget getting home from a holiday, and it's just all gone. I don't think neither of us knew how to react. I think we did a damn good job holding it all together. Just frustrated. More than likely Brandon was playing in the fridge and moved the dial, I could have also left it off when I used the microwave and turned off the fridge to not overload the circuits, yet regardless of the finger wagging, the end result was still the same.

We have a beautifully cleaned fridge. Shopping wasn't an option yesterday. It's hard to think of the bits and pieces you need to replace, or what you actually keep in your fridge. Ken's mom came with me today and I was grateful for the help, especially since Connor's routine has been off. Brandon stayed and had a cool day with my dad. It truly takes a village to raise kids, there are moments when you just need helping hands.

The empty, clean fridge, the thing is, it's also unnerving. We have never had an empty fridge, for me, not since I moved out years and years ago. It's strange looking in and not seeing milk, or eggs, or anything beyond margarine and ketchup and mustard. Shopping was a strange experience, trying to figure out what you needed again to create a good base, and then what you would just get in later shops, the more specialized products you don't use all the time. It is a bit strange when you have nothing in there - we had lots of dry stuffs, but your fridge.. I feel much better now that we have food again. The dial will be covered in hockey tape. Hockey tape is right up there with duct tape.. more uses than at first expected.

Mt. St. Helens

Well, we originally intended to come home on Saturday. On a whim, we decided to stay another night and see Mt. St. Helens.

Wow.

It's amazing what sits in memory, and what comes back. I was only 7 when St. Helens blew, but I still remember... and seeing the landscape wasn't what I expected. Yes, I have google-earthed the area a few times, and yes, the area around the eruption/blast zone was about what I expected, what I felt after seeing St. Helens was surprisingly though- I felt. hope. The vegetation is lush once you are away from the immediate area around the mount, and it is beautiful. Where getting to Rainier is a twisting, old growth lined road, the road to Helen is a gently rolling road with some incline. It is visually strange seeing so many trees the same height, and the noble firs were gorgeous to see as a grove and not as a Christmas tree. Nobles are very symmetrical, so interesting to the eye as you speed by.

We had some terrible weather at the top, got soaked a few times. Although, weather on mountains moves pretty fast, so we stuck it out and ended up with some pretty good views of the mount. Never did see the whole thing, but we did see the glacier that is forming, and most of the outlying areas. The devastation 30 years later is unreal. Seeing the green on the slopes, and seeing the rebirth is uplifting and reminds you of the cycles of life. We will be back one day to see even more of the mountains.

Must say, traveling with the young ones isn't always easy. Dealing with food, bathroom trips, breastfeeding in the van, and then when Connor would cry, and cry, and well... cry until he would fall asleep. When you take away the routine, life does get a little crazy. All in all, the boys were troopers considering that we covered about 1500 kms in 4 days...

Mt. Rainier

Today was a surprising day. NW Trek was a good zoo and we ended up seeing most of the animals that they had on site. A lot of space, in the woods, a very Pacific Northwest type experience. In some ways, not as many animals as I would have expected, but very nicely done. Also nice to have a 2-1 from going to Point Defiance the day before. One advantage of the zoos/aquariums stateside is that they are so much more reasonably priced... $15 per adult to get in, and that includes the 45 minute tram ride to see the "prey" type animals (moose, elk, deer, mountain goats).

After the trek we zoomed back to the scenic railway. Instead of billing itself the scenic railway of Mt. Rainier, it should have read, "nice, two hour trip through trees, going away from Mt. Rainier". Not what we expected, a bit of a bust. Being on the train was nice, and we sat in an outdoor car... made me glad we also had a 2-1 for this! The highlight was going over a trestle bridge, but of course, that would be when Brandon had to go to the loo. Verrra interesting helping yer kid go on a moving train in an old school bathroom. One for the books!

It was disappointing though - we really wanted to see Mt. Rainier. After the train, it was time to drive. Mt. Rainier was calling us. It was beautiful. Something to be said about seeing a huge mountain on it's own. The rockies are amazing, but you almost get a bit jaded because everything is majestic. There is something to be said about seeing a mountain close up, being in the meadows, gazing up at the peak. We will be back. There are some amazing places to stay, and I would love to see all of the park. We would have been better off just spending the day cruising the national park rather than the railway. Live and learn.

Christine Falls, on the route to Paradise (area close to peak where you can stay in a fancy lodge)

view of Mt. Rainier

A new school year

The kids are back at school, the weather is changing, and I am enjoying my maternity leave.

It always feels strange when the regular routine is no more, and you are busy finding yourself again in your new reality.

I had no idea that having two kids would allow me the time to mellow out in a way.

Yes, there are moments where you want to tear your hair out. Run screaming. Cry. Laugh like a crazy person. But for me, I am just happy, right now, having two. I find my days are better when we have some kind of routine, and I get a few minutes of physical exercise on the Wii Fit. I am better when I can jump in to a good book and escape for a few moments. Some times I worry about balance - enough quality time with Brandon, with Connor (and not just breastfeeding), and then with Ken, and maybe even myself! I will never be a perfect housekeeper, but I am trying harder this time to just keep things a little more organized. In a way it is a good thing that we don't have enough space, because we would just fill it.

Now that we are the better par through toilet training, I am much happier. He has done really well - a few accidents, like the one an hour ago, but I can't really complain. Brandon loves to take his pants off - now it is a trial to get him back in to them. He likes being partially clad. Can't blame him on that one! It does make going out a little trickier. We have no mastered the fine art of going to the loo in all foreign places. Grandfolks, sure. Out at public places, not so much. He tends to hold it like crazy until we get home.

I also can't believe that with two, I am starting to get more organized. Maybe because I am scared shitless of what will happen if I am not. You leave the kitchen for 36 hours and it is a disaster. It takes hours to clean. I am learning. You fit laundry in when you can. You do one little chore, and keep a list. Crazy stuff. Work will be a cake walk after this! LOL

Connor is closing in on 10 weeks, or was he already? Wait! 11 weeks old. Wow. It's going so much quicker than it did with Brandon. I am so much less stressed out and wound up. Maybe that is part of the reason I can be so chilled about it all. We have already been through a trial by fire and I am better at picking my battles. The last few weeks we have been sticking much closer to home. Our routine is to maybe go up to the park at the top of our hill, do our big routine, or hang around the homestead. Felt like getting a few things done around here, and I guess not feeling overly social. Sorry!

Three and half years later...

I finally ordered some wedding photos.

Well over three years after the fact. It was one of those things that has been on my "to do" list forever and a day.

With all the points collected from buying diapers, I had a free 8x8 book, and 200 prints. So I finally did it. Printed them (read ordered them online), made a book, and put them all together.

The prints and book arrived today! I am pretty stoked.

All in all, a pretty painless experience too. No duty! EVEN BETTER!!!

I may just have to do this again one day. Nice to just sit here at my computer, do my uploading, order, pay online, and wait! Just like magic and a hit to the wallet, here they are! I even ordered some prints from the summer!

I can finally show off our wedding pictures in a book, and not force unsuspecting folks to suffer through a 30 minute slide show of our photos. We only did that a few times...

Who knew? It is nice to be able to look at the wedding pictures. It feels like a lifetime ago - and my dress still fits! Okay, the dress is a little big, but I still felt like a princess when I put it on. I still have no idea what to do with it - keep it, or sell it at a second hand store. Needless to say, it stays hanging in the closet - a reminder of a great day.

It feels good to start getting a handle on our photos. It felt like a few things just stopped there for a long while, and now they are starting up again.

Satisfying?

And now a return to our regular programing. Not.

Since reading My Sister's Keeper, I delved in to a few books which were more or less satisfying.

I quickly sped through an Erica Spindler book, Dead Run, and it was just okay. The last one I read of hers really kept me interested, this one, not so much. It was a quick read and the story won't really stick. Some do, some don't.

The next one I blitzed through was a Tess Gerritsen book, The Sinner. This one was better - I enjoy the cop/ME series that she has going. I have read them out of order, so it is nice picking up an earlier book just to get a feel for some of the back story.

Then there was Lisa Jackson's, Left to Die. You can tell she has written a lot of books - easy to bounce along the surface of this novel because it really wasn't all that deep. I just finished it, and can't say that I feel a great level of satisfaction after turning the last page. This feels like the book of a decent writer who churns out many books a year. Funny, you can start to tell.

It seems that the authors I really like generally only publish a book a year, if that. Speaking of which, I think there are a few coming out soon that I can't wait to sink my teeth in to, like the new Gabaldon... I figured the series was done with six.. but she continues on! Will be interesting to see where Claire and Jamie end up next.

Funny, after you read a couple of books that were truly satisfying, it is hard to go back to those that just aren't as fulfilling. Makes me glad I am a quick reader, and also that I am getting better at either buying used books, paying forward, or getting those books paid forward to me. I guess at the end of the day, some books are great escapes, some are intriguing, some you savor every step of the way. Out of this trio, I would go for the TG's book - a little more substance.

All asleep!!!

Manipulated?

My damn cat just hit the backspace key and I lost a really good post.

Have I mentioned what it is like that as soon as I stop moving, and the kids are settled, that immediately the cats will seek me out? Yes, I lurve them. Do I always need their clingy desire for my attention the moment I have a moment for me?

My book club is reading My Sister's Keeper this month. I will admit, it was all I could do to get through the first 100 pages of this novel. I had to look at the end, just to see if it would draw to a predictable end, just to help gauge whether or not I would finish the book. I did finish it, but, did I enjoy it? Would I recommend it? Even now, a few weeks later (yes, I love the magic of being able to manipulate the dates, kind of needed when you have two young children), I am still struggling to say that it was a good read.

What comes to mind is a conversation with a girlfriend about this book. She labeled it as manipulative writing. That term hadn't crossed my mind when she tossed it out there - but when the shoe fits, she nailed it. JP style is to throw as much family drama in to a book, shake it up, throw in some nice prose, maybe a twist, and viola! Okay, I am generalizing from one book, but I have generally avoided these kinds of books in the past because I don't really feel the need to go for the family tear jerkers as my reading. My time is precious enough to try to depress myself. I figure (my) life can be dramatic enough at times rather than feel the need to go out and chase it.

Having had a child go through some medical issues, yes, JP does a good job at times describing what the reality can be like. Yes, life does throw you curve balls all at once, and doesn't space them out in a manner where you can deal with them one by one, but this book had it all - and the characters in a way felt really stereotyped. I could not connect with the mom - I feel so grateful for both of my boys, and am trying to spend quality time with each, and am concerned with each and helping them both be all that they can be, that this novel didn't really ring true for me in many parts. Too much of everything - too much disintegration as the mother figure focused everything on one child at the cost of the others. Yes, maybe that is the point, but for all the serious topics delved in to in this book, was it a deep, profound, prolific novel? Nope. Pretty much after we talk about it at book club, I can't say that I will seek out another JP novel. Not my cup of tea.

Toilet Training - Recap.

A week ago I wondered how we would get Brandon out of diapers for 90% of the time.

We're there. I had my doubts Monday and Tuesday, but then things magically seemed to start coming together, and he has not had an accident since Thursday, pretty much knows when he needs to go, and is really, really proud of himself. He even managed to do it standing up at the grandfolks place today! I am really proud of him.

It has been a week though - it is a bit draining. Back and forth to the toilet. Back and forth. Not always successful. One of the last trips in, Brandon got a mohawk. It's amazing how much can change in a week - from tears to shouts of joy. From cajoling to him being able to strip himself pretty much with so much less help. It is a huge step to independence (gulp). Some moments where I think patience wore thin, and times I just wanted to slap a diaper back on. It's worth it. Hopefully in a few weeks, no more diapers for naps.. and then we will see when we can jettison the night diapers.

Shopping yesterday, it was so nice to bypass the big box of size 6's that pretty much don't fit. Ya hoo!! That saves a little money... will aim to train Connor before 3... I am sure second child has more motivation to stop wearing diapers with a "big kid" in the house...

A week. You really need the week where all your energy is focused on this thing called toilet training. Persevere. Stick in there. Have bribery goods for your dear child, and for myself, strongbows really helped out a few nights. I am sure there will be accident, but it is so cool he isn't in diapers anymore, and watching him bloom just a little more.

Day 4

It has been quite the week. Between the two younguns I have puked on, pissed on, and at one point, there were a few cling-ons from the big dude because everything didn't hit the water before he sat on my leg.

*SIGH*

Yesterday, just about at my breaking point, we had a breakthrough. First pee in the toilet. If I was a cryer, I would have cried with relief. Of course, it was purely coincidental it happened at that moment (I didn't think anything was going to happen, just caught him before putting him down for a nap) but it was a start. He knows when he has to go... still seems to hold it for hours... but since then, we seemed to have turned a corner.

My daycare lady Sue said you needed a week to make it happen - and I am seeing truth in this. A weekend wouldn't cut it, now at Day 4, it seems like I can see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. I know there will be mishaps, I know we will have to pack a few changes of clothes... but we are on the road to no more diapers! I will worry about night times... later.

So what do people do after training has started and you are out and about??? Hover your kid over the public toilet? Carry your kid's ring in a backpack?? That is today's mystery.

Day 3 - Yes we can.

After too many changes of clothes to count, we are slowly getting there. I believe these pants could be prophetic of times to come. "Yes We Can". Yes, I can't wait. I can't wait to not be buying big boxes of diapers anymore. Wait, we still have junior... but he is still wee, so it isn't so bad.

Toilet training is a much harder journey than I anticipated. I didn't really have a concept of what it would be like, but we are getting there. Patience. Patience. Lots of patience. Ken bought me chocolate. And licorice. It is helping. Although not my waistline according to my Fit.

Day 2

Well, I guess I should be thankful we have 9 pairs of boys underwear that fit.

Brandon - 1
Toilet Training - 1
Me - Done (thankfully they are both sleeping and it gives me a few minutes).
Dirty underwears so far today? - 5

We had one success this morning, as farts were followed by a movement, and it has given me hope. This whole toilet training thing is about as difficult to navigate as I expected. Especially when one is ready to go, and one is on the boob, or crying. They have both had really good naps this afternoon, which I am grateful for, a few moments for me, and I think Connor was getting a bit over-tired, so the sleep is good.

I am waiting for that first pee to just "happen" on the toilet and not in his pants so we can go from there - build on it as a positive experience. I can see that the whole week is going to be close to home, and our toilet. We have a routine, and are getting really close to hitting it just right, just not yet. I guess it is day 2, and we have had some good chats while he sits there with his legs dangling, and it is a rite of passage. I guess deep down I know we don't turn back now, but for something everyone does, I think it as much a rite of passage for the parents as it for the kid. Like breastfeeding, you have no idea what it is going to be like until you walk down that path, encounter a few hurdles, and continue on.

Toilet Training - Day 1

Smarties to bribe son for sitting on the throne. Check.

Hallowe'en type treats for when a number two happens, on the throne. Check.

Really cool boy underwear. Check.

Portable step. Check.

Ring around the throne for three year old bum. Check.

As Brandon naps, we are on outfit number three, lots of trying, and no successful movements on the throne. He is keen on trying, and I am sure things will come together ... but no action today yet. I am going to continue with diapers for naps and then underjams for night time, but no more diapers during the day.

He peed once outside, and then inside, well, I figured it was time to take him to the throne, but was squeezing a feed for youngest in, and well, missed the window. This is the aim of the week. Concentrated training.

I figured the weather is good, we can be outside (somewhat, although not all that often with a newborn), and the time is nigh. He is a big boy, a smart boy (hey, doesn't this sound like a song?), and knows what is up. We went from being shy to trying, to now trying seems pretty cool, especially when he gets to pick what colour smartie he gets for trying. Yes, he will get 3 for a successful pee, 1 for trying... a bit pavlovian, but, fingers crossed, it works, and will be a short-term reward system...

Special X,

Sounds intriguing doesn't it?

Sadly enough, I have now read all of Slade's books. *SIGH*.

Write, dammit, write!!! I have to wait until January 2009 for the next book comes out, and I hope that it won't be the new upstart character and instead a continuation of the Special X crew..

The upside is that I will be seeing him at the Sunshine Coast Writer's festival this weekend. I am gleeful - Ken and I both get to attend since we are bringing along some friends to watch the boys for an hour... I am really excited - about the day trip, about hearing what Slade has to say, maybe getting a book (or two) signed, going to the local craft fair (which is awesome, or has been in past years in a very coastal type way), and puttering around the coast with some great friends. Can't ask for a better day.

The downside, which is really another upside, is that I read the Slade novels out of order. I just finished the first book, Headhunter, and well, it was continued in another book, so it was a bit of a trip going back in time, so to speak to pick up the original threads. Slade's books are tight, well written, perhaps a bit macabre at times, but very well researched. I must say, I do like the dark, intellectual crime suspense novels - they balance out the literature that I read..

Ah yes, and to top it off, we bought the last Slade book to add to my collection at a used bookstore just off Hastings... and they take trade ins! So, as it seems I am still able to read with two kids.. who knew??? (okay, I read before I fall asleep, and sometimes when I b'feed) I am still blitzing through books.

Am definitely open to any suggestions of some good reads... literary or not!

Growth spurts

Six weeks old, and 3 years old.

Gotta love when the kids go through growth spurts, you have no idea what you are going to get. Between Brandon's get green gobs of goo, and Connor being a bit off (okay, it was really only for two days) it's been a little different. Granted, maybe it was me too. I have been feeling a bit antisocial this week. I made myself a list of things to do, and well, there are still many lines on it. I think I made some headway, but having kids and being at home also means you have to learn how to let go, and not be on a rigid time line, and just go with the flow.

These are some fun pics of the boys, trying out their mugs.

6 weeks

It's funny, when you are pregnant, the weeks start going up and up, and you can't wait to hit milestone after milestone.

Then you have your babe, and your life gets tossed about. New person to learn about, new routines, adjustments, other people's are affected, and then wait and see.

You start measuring time, and a different body again. Watching the numbers go up again, starting with days, and then weeks, then months, and finally years.

Now we are already six weeks in and I can't remember a life without Connor.

I figure that people must think I have been on happy pills, but I feel grateful I have my family, and my boys are who they are. Between the four of us, things are cool. Each day brings new adventures, and I look to the horizon, and I can't help but look forward to what else time will bring. Connor is off the growth charts, so I have a thriving babe. Over 13 pounds already, and we are officially out of the three month size. I also exchanged the box of size 1 diapers for size 2 today... the 1's are starting to look like baby speedos. I am not sure what colour his hair will end up, it seems every time I wash it, it gets lighter. His eyebrows are also growing in, and they too are light, and big bright blue eyes.

Some people see more of Ken, other people see more of me, some people see more of a resemblance to Brandon... of course, he is all Connor, but in all of us, it is amazing to see the echoes of who we came from.

Week 5 saw the reward of true smiles (and not gas bubbles as every one says). His smiles disarm me as quickly as the tinkling sound of Brandon's laughter, or that look from my hubby. Yes, I sound like a smitten new mother.

It's funny, the weeks around Brandon's b'day were crazy - and then last week I laid low (made pickles though!) and now this week seems to be the same. Not quite antisocial, but not quite not antisocial either. B has a cold - the weather sucks (yes, we need the rain), and it is nice to just settle in a bit. I seem to go one way and then the next - lots of socializing, and then not much at all and content to be at home, or just do my own thing for a spell, and then back the other way... back and forth like a crazy pendulum.

Pickled.

I have made my first attempt at dill pickles. Apparently we have to wait 8 weeks before we crack a jar.. I found what looked like a decent recipe on my favorite recipes site and away I went. 30 pounds of cukes, lots of fresh ingredients, and viola!


We won't talk about the jar with the blue garlic.

Better than I expected

I just finished reading A million little pieces by James Frey... Like a few other books I have read in the past year, I am picking them up a few years after they were popular. Or in this case, perhaps notorious? I remember the big furor with the big O, and that parts of the autobiography could have been embellished for the sake of the story. Which brings up a few things for me.

Firstly, I didn't expect to really enjoy this novel. It is another one that I have been intrigued by, and well, I was a bit turned off by the hype a few years ago, although truly, I did not have a clue what the book was about. As much as you can say that you enjoyed a book like this, I truly did. It is a helluva story, a look in to addiction and alcoholism, and brutally honest (for lack of a better word in this moment), or frank, or just not prettied up. I found that I was compelled to keep reading, and that is was easy to work through, that I was interested to see what would happen to James, and good god, what a story if even a smidgeon of what he describes is accurate. Which, having known someone who was also successful through AA, probably not far off. I could appreciate how he referred to making a decision, taking responsibility for his actions, and choosing a different lifestyle from this moment on. You have to. In your own stark awareness, you have to make a choice for yourself and stick with it if you are going to be successful. I can only relate it to when I quit smoking - it was a decision I clearly made and deconstructed why I was smoking and when I smoked, and I quit cold turkey, I had one big relapse one night, looked at what I did, and truly realized I didn't want to be that person anymore that smoked - not exactly the same type of thing as what happens in the book, but in the same vein of reasoning. I also liked how the book of Tao impacted his thinking and brought him peace - I remember going through some of the stuff with Brandon and reading a book called Momma Zen and it brought me a measure of peace in it's simple message and language. So, all rambles aside, I would highly recommend this book and this came as a surprise to me. It's a helluva a read IMHO.

Secondly, I also think teenagers should read this book in school. It deals with a (potentially) harsh reality in terms I think that would really hit home, the Outsiders times at least ten. Might scare a few folks in to thinking about a few things before blindly trying them.

Thirdly, I don't recall reading that it is a non fiction book or that it is directly billed as an autobiography. I did a bit of probing in to this book's past (gotta love wikipedia), and it seems that there was a big bru-ha-ha with the big O and the reading public because everything may not have been as portrayed in the novel. I don't really have a problem with this because I feel that as soon as you start to talk about something, or commit it to paper, it is already becoming fiction because it is as you remember it, how you would describe it, and how it impacted you. Looking at this book as a book, and not as a the gospel according to James Frey and accurate in every sense of the word, the underlying truths of the book won't change and that is why it is a good book. The rest of the publicity, and the lawsuit that happened... well, I guess not being personally impacted, and well, I am detached in the sense that a good book is a good book and in many ways, as a piece of art takes on a life of it's own, away from the author. What happened here is it's own story and interesting in light of how things unraveled. I can't help but think about the impact of a book becoming an O's choice.. and the instant fame and demand for the book. I must admit, I have mixed feelings when I find a book I am reading was/is an O book, much like finding out it is going to be made in to a movie soon.

Heat Wave

I am not unique when I say that the heat wave the west coast is experiencing is something else.

Holy Shit is it hot. And humid. And seemingly never ending. I never thought I would say it was too hot, for too long.

Today was one of those days, Brandon did not sleep(seem to need to get him out and exhaust him in the morning if he is going to have a nap), Connor got woken up a lot, and the day just felt chaotic, inconsistent, and irritable. I feel like the hydration police, and the poor boys in the heat, it isn't easy for them, nor for Ken, driving in the oven of a truck he does without respite...

I can't believe the difference it makes even getting 20 minutes to myself to work out a little on the Wiiii Fit. It is good for my head to sweat a little. I noticed not being able to do that today.

It also felt like our routine was totally off, and that didn't help either. And the house feels really messy and disorganized, which adds to the chaos.

Today was not a stellar day. Nice thing is, tomorrow is another day.

On a totally different note, Connor is learning how to smile, and it is enchanting. It is also really cool watching Brandon watch his favorite show.. he loves to watch Super Why in the morning, and it is a really decent kids show, so that 1/2 hour buys me time to clean the kitchen and get a decent start to the day... although not today, but most days... I had no idea how much I would come to rely on and then develop routines. They can be such a lifesaver...

Adorable

The birthday boy in his new shirt and wearing his paws..

The hint of a smile - I love this photo, a month old...

I am absolutely biased, but I feel pretty blessed with my two boys. I wondered what I would be like adjusting to two... I know at times I have felt a few moments getting to know friend's number 2's and then adjusting quickly to the new reality and my heart swelling with love and acceptance of change, but there is no adjustment when the babe is your own. Okay there are, but not in the way that I am speaking of. It just feels right - and having our family of 4 seems pretty damn cool. Helps when you have two cool boys, and Connor seems to be doing really well and is a very good natured baby, and Brandon is growing like a weed and is mostly cool with Connor (although the heat isn't helping right now) - I just feel very blessed in my little reality and corner of the universe.

Three

Happy Third Birthday Brandon!!!

a really good read..

I finished off The Book of Negroes last night. What a great read. It is another one of the books I have bought recently because I was intrigued by it's cover. Unlike the last one, this one totally delivered. I loved this book from start to finish. It was a very satisfying read, and I was almost sad to put it down. I even read all the end notes and all the remaining bits by the author.

It is the tale of a girl taken from Sierra Leone during the slave trade, and then the tale of her extraordinary life as she lives through tumultuous times. It is compelling, the history feels sound, and it is a tale not often heard. This book deals with some really intense topics, but it never feels depressing or truly dark, there is a thread of hope that runs through this tale,a spirit if you will. Yessiree, I highly recommend this one..

I can't believe I have found some moments to read?!!!!

3 weeks old

It's already been three weeks, and Brandon will be turning three himself at the end of the week. Wow. The time is just flying by.

I can't say enough how much easier it is second time around. Everything not being an unknown makes such an incredible difference. Then there are the differences in me - I don't feel like I am "playing" at being a mom, I am "mom". I am more confident, and I have a better idea of what I am and am not willing to do this time around. Feeding has been so much better, and sleeping, I don't know if it is better, but it is not unexpected. We haven't had huge crying fits, but Connor definitely has a healthy set of lungs.

There are moments though - when you find your almost three year old a bit much, okay, maybe even irritating, or when you just can't get to your baby fast enough and he lets a few wails out, or it seems that the laundry exploded again, or one of the cats puked on the floor because they were eating one of your plants again.

It just does not seem as crazy as it was the first time - I wouldn't say easier, maybe it is just being more prepared for what life is throwing at us. So far, going from none to one has been harder than going from one to two. I may be singing a different tune a week from now, but for now, that is my story.

The weather has been fantastic - we have been out to the local parks the last few days. I am on a mission to get Brandon walking more and more every day, and to try to take advantage of this gift of time with both boys and try to get out and do cool things with both of them. The walking is coming, and he is getting more balanced all the time. I did have to get him new beach shoes, the ones we bought stateside just weren't working for him, and if I want him to do big walks and splash around water parks, he needs good shoes.

I had to laugh, he is definitely my kid, when I handed him his new shoes in the truck he had to show them off to poppa "Look poppa, I have NEW SHOES! They are orange and blue!" and he preened and held them up, and talked about them all the way home. I am grateful my dad has been able to come out and join us for the outings, otherwise it would damn near impossible to do what I have been doing with a two week old. Damn, we didn't even really leave the house when Brandon was this young, and here we have been out a lot, and had visitors, and my house isn't even crazy chaotic. The dishes are actually done...

Any feeding issues I have had in the past were put in to perspective yesterday... one of my dear friends came by with her 8 month old, and I got to witness what she goes through to get food in to her little one's belly. It seems like an unreal fight - she doesn't want a bottle, is picky about the real foods she will eat, and wants/doesn't want the breast... she literally fights it all the way and my girlfriend seems more than a little frazzled. If nothing else, both boys are good eaters... and neither had issues going between the bottle and the breast... and her kid is up all hours of the night... so not only does she have a little hellion to feed, she herself is over-tired and needing a good night's sleep and I think a few hours away from her daughter... or at least time to go for a run... I think if I can get her out to the park, I will park our strollers and tell her to just run it out for herself.

Amazing how important it is to carve out some space of "you"-ness once you have kids. Whether it is a book, or knitting, or exercise, or quiet zen time to reflect, it is so much more important when you have so much less of it.

One thing I can say about having two kids instead of one... you become almost instantly better at time management because you HAVE to be. There isn't as much of the, I can do that later... if it doesn't get done now.. O M G it gets that much harder to do it tomorrow. Hence, why the dishes are already done.

Expressing.

I finally broke out the old Isis pump today and much to my dismay, I think it has finally given up the ghost and is done. One of the key attachments is cracked, and well, it just isn't getting enough suction to pump my milk.

Damn.

So I just hand expressed about 3 ounces. Bloody hell, it wasn't easy by any stretch. Connor has been down for a marathon nap after an early morning Doc's appt and I was feeling a bit swollen... will have to see how this sorts out in the next while. It is nice to have the back up of a pump for those times you aren't able to nurse as much as you would like. Connor has officially regained his birth weight and then some... he weighed in at 10 pounds, 14 ounces this morning.. WOO WOO!! in other terms, closing in on 5kg! I am both b'feeding and formula, and I am glad to see that Connor's weight gain is good (only at about 10 pounds, 6 ounces on Monday... so things must be going much better) and that things are working as they should.

Two is chaos at times, and at other times, incredibly wonderful. Your heart just expands to make room for another little person, and it is overwhelming how proud I am when I look around at my little family and consider the four of us - it is pretty cool.

Some good, some not so good.

I have no idea when I have had the time to read in the last few weeks, but I did get through a book, and a bit.

I read Bloodletting and Other Various Cures and it wasn't quite what I expected. It is almost a smattering of "almost stories" for lack of a better word. It wasn't bad, it wasn't great. I wanted to know more about some of the threads, and others where plain confusing about why they were included. There were hints of other stories, or how things ended with some of the characters, it was an intriguing book - but just not really what I thought the book was going to be like (as I have already mentioned). Some insight in to life as a doctor, fancy that, they are just people too, but I found that this book left me wanting.

I also attempted to read The Road. It did not do it for me. I got about 100 pages in to this depressing, dark, bleak book and I decided I just didn't really need to see it to it's conclusion. It is well written, and quite poetic at times, just not my cup of tea. It is in the years (?) after some global catastrophic event and follows the footsteps of a man and his son as they head to the "coast" and hopes of at least marginally better quality of life. They consider themselves the "good guys" and there are lots of dead bodies and very little food, a lot of ash, and humans gone bad. This also was not what I expected - I should have read some reviews first since I more than likely would not have been as intrigued by the book as I was.

My boys...

A few more pics from the hospital... I must admit, I am a pretty proud momma!

Connor William

Our second son, Connor William made his arrival on Saturday morning, June 27th, at 2:17am. He was 22 inches long, and weighed in at an impressive 10 pounds, 8 ounces. This was a really quick birth, so by the time we made it to the hospital around midnight, discovered we were already at 7 cm, it was obvious we were only a few hours away from welcoming Connor.

Everything went really well - (I am backdating this post to stay somewhat current and to get caught up). Although I must say on Friday, I didn't really expect to not be induced on Saturday morning. In fact, when I called my doctor to give him a head's up at 11:15pm on Friday night... he seemed a little skeptical that we would be heading to the birthing room right away! Things went fast. This time I opted for the room with the shower instead of the bath, and it seemed like experience played a major factor in making this an easier birth. I was able to control my breathing through many of the contractions, Ken was great at applying pressure as needed on my back, and things just progressed so much quicker. I was almost afraid to get in the delivery bed - I kept remembering that with Brandon, at that point, it felt like I was there for hours and hours in pain, before things really started to move.

Things happened so fast this time, they didn't do any blood work (no time for any pharmaceutical help, although I didn't really need it this go around) and for me, I just seemed really aware of what was happening. A good team of nurses, and Ken, and then with the same doctor that delivered Brandon. I felt well taken care of, the hospital wasn't all that busy, and truly, it was a really good birth experience.

Our first picture after birth all together... now we need some pics with the 4 of us!!


This picture was taken when Connor was about an hour or two old..

Before and After...

Before

and After ...

Totally frittering away time

So, I figure baby is close. Some random contractions, and well, Saturday is getting closer and closer. What a crazy day yesterday was - between MJ and Farrah... glad baby decided to stay in for another day or two...

I was up most of the night finishing off my book - World Without End. It was a good read - I am glad I saved it to truly enjoy the 1000 pages, but it was a shade off the original Pillars of the Earth... either that or because this was somewhat a follow up, I had an inkling of what kind of saga to expect... and it did deliver, and it was a good book.

Today feels like hurry up and wait, and my motivation to putter and do stuff has completely evaporated. Time is flitting by, and I can't say that I have done anything profound. Except perhaps some fleeting thoughts I would have loved to have written down at 4am after I finished my book, but the thought of actually getting up at that point was just not happening.

I have had a few irritable moments today - in some regards, I feel a bit under a microscope... is it now? soon? what is happening? what does that look mean? that slight hitch in your voice, is it significant? do we pack up and run for the hospital? what about dinner? how regular are these random contractions? was this how it felt last time? how to make Brandon feel like a rock star tonight? how to get some snuggles with Ken in before chaos erupts? where is my crystal ball?

Nothing prolific or profound. Just waiting. A little impatient. A little nervous.

Must be time to make some rice crispy squares!

Forgiveness

Now that it is looking like Saturday is going to be the big day (things can change between now and then, but I am not holding my breath), I am pondering at actually having some time on my hands at home, before the chaos hits.

Time alone during the day is so easily frittered away - a Wii Fit workout, reading my book, puttering around the house, reorganizing shelves, chatting, surfing the net, I am not sure where the rest of the time has been going, but it is going. It's weird having some quiet time, knowing that in a few days, everything will have changed and there will be 4 of us, not 3. Someone made an interesting comment to my DH - they said that when they went from one kid to two, they felt like more of a family because it wasn't just two folks with a kid. Interesting thought, it struck a bit of a resonance for me because I am really happy we are having two. Of course, people ask about three, and for some reason, seem surprised that I answer PDQ - "I don't really have a program for three."

About forgiveness.

I have realized in the last few weeks, in a few conversations, that I have some issues to work through about breast feeding. I think a big part of it is forgiving myself for something that was truly beyond myself - and that was what happened during Brandon's first few weeks (how long it took me to truly realize he wasn't getting enough from me). I did a damn good job of what I did - but Brandon didn't gain a lot in his first month, I was incredibly stressed, in the first week we worried about dehydration, it seemed to take forever for my milk to come in, although the health nurses came every week and assured me that he was gaining, albeit slowly, I look at pictures and the change between month 1 and month 2 is staggering.

The difference was when I finally felt it was okay to start formula feeding on top of the breast feeding. He gained 4 pounds in a month. Hello, even I am not too proud to say that I obviously never had enough milk on my own. He had never been full, and I had never been engorged and after he had that first full bottle, everything changed in an instant as his eyes rolled back in his head and he was truly full. I am glad we have never looked back. It was a big day for us.

Even now, typing this out, I feel close to tears. It's stupid, because I know I tried it all - nipple shields, breast feeding 12 hours or more a day, every single latch possible, domperidone to help me lactate more, pumping... you name it, I tried it. I really wanted to feed Brandon exclusively by breast. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be, or that really and truly, I couldn't make it work like other women seemed to be able to. Now looking back, how unhelpful some health care professionals were about the issues, and how helpful some were. It's interesting the role of experience and how it changes your perception.

You weed through so many emotions about your "ability" to breastfeed - guilt, frustration, hopelessness, you wonder if this is linked to having being diagnosed with PCOS (hormone thing) when you were young, if you aren't quite doing it right, and then comfort, satisfaction, and bonding when things are going somewhat right... in the end, with Brandon, it evolved in to more comfort nursing, with most of what he got coming from the bottle until we started introducing solid foods.

Now, number two is within a few days of their arrival, and the girls haven't really changed much. It may or may not mean a damn thing. Who knows, this time I may win the milk lottery. However, I have bought new bottles, we have a store of formula, and I am in the process of making my peace with "this is not the hill I am going to die on" this time. But I still get worked up and passionate about it all, which brought me to the conclusion that I need to let it go (really and truly) and make my peace with Brandon's first few weeks, and know that yes, he could have gained quicker, but he was alright. He is a big and healthy, strapping lad. I couldn't have done a better job than I did. This time, I will do the same, although I will start formula a lot earlier (read in the hospital), and not have the guilt, or just be as frankly honest as I can be with the nurses, etc. And myself.

And with this, comes forgiveness. For myself, for some of the opinionated folks around me (like my mom) who were trying to express opinions I wasn't ready to hear and couldn't seem to attempt a different approach that wasn't nearly as offensive as the one they were taking, and I guess even to the public health nurses (all of what 7 or 8) that I saw over the first 5 weeks until I started topping up with formula who really were somewhat pushy about the whole breastfeeding thing and not really putting out other options (until the final pair I had) that I was too tired to even consider. So, part of this post is about that - laying it out there, working it through, and just letting it go.

I have done some research - and experts say that some women truly don't produce enough milk, while for most women it is an issue of demand and latching - and this time around, I will just say we are doing both and not get as worked up about it (or will do my best not too). It actually gives us more freedom than anything else. I will be more "bamboo", and be flexible to what comes my way, rather than digging my heels in. I have a few friends that have been on both sides of this - friends whose milk came in easily and profoundly, and those of us that truly labored over producing more because what we naturally produced, never seemed to be enough. For those it isn't easy for, it is a strange thing how it affects you - and how passionately you can try to change it, and things can be okay - but never truly great. And that, at the end of the day has to be okay.

So, in a nutshell, this is about letting go, and letting it be what it will be over the next few days, weeks, and months. I aim to successfully do both - a combination of the breast and formula and give baby the best of both. It is easier the second time around, you are stronger as a mother, and I am confident in my family unit - we can make it through anything.

I didn't really think I'd see 40 weeks again!

So much for second babies coming early - definitely not the case with us!

I think the part I look forward to the most in my maternity appts is hearing the baby's heart rate through the Doppler. I find it oddly comforting. That and feeling baby move and shift. Some days I am really aware of the movements, and other days, not as much. Some nights I am really conscious that it could happen any time, some nights I am sleeping like a baby.

If things don't start happening before the weekend we are going to be induced again. It's actually a relief - I have a date in mind if things don't happen before Saturday... well, then we may be helping things along with another induction. Time will tell. Although, at this point, I see baby waiting until the weekend.

Ken and I went and saw Angels and Dem0ns today... I enjoyed it - it was good - definitely like Mr. TH with shorter hair and not the long mop he wore for the last movie.. There is something to be said for having the time to research and spend your time delving in to the great mysteries of life and secret knowledge but that just doesn't seem to be my fate. I love reading, and I would be lost without my books - but I don't have it in me at this stage for that kind of sustained research and writing. I learned that when I reconnected with an old friend that is aiming to be a university prof - damn, there is a lot of publishing and conferences, and reading, and writing, and asking for grants, and trying to get postings... makes me appreciate my niche in the post secondary world a little more.

So, more hurry up and wait... I am well, baby is well, and days are flying by.