Forgiveness

Now that it is looking like Saturday is going to be the big day (things can change between now and then, but I am not holding my breath), I am pondering at actually having some time on my hands at home, before the chaos hits.

Time alone during the day is so easily frittered away - a Wii Fit workout, reading my book, puttering around the house, reorganizing shelves, chatting, surfing the net, I am not sure where the rest of the time has been going, but it is going. It's weird having some quiet time, knowing that in a few days, everything will have changed and there will be 4 of us, not 3. Someone made an interesting comment to my DH - they said that when they went from one kid to two, they felt like more of a family because it wasn't just two folks with a kid. Interesting thought, it struck a bit of a resonance for me because I am really happy we are having two. Of course, people ask about three, and for some reason, seem surprised that I answer PDQ - "I don't really have a program for three."

About forgiveness.

I have realized in the last few weeks, in a few conversations, that I have some issues to work through about breast feeding. I think a big part of it is forgiving myself for something that was truly beyond myself - and that was what happened during Brandon's first few weeks (how long it took me to truly realize he wasn't getting enough from me). I did a damn good job of what I did - but Brandon didn't gain a lot in his first month, I was incredibly stressed, in the first week we worried about dehydration, it seemed to take forever for my milk to come in, although the health nurses came every week and assured me that he was gaining, albeit slowly, I look at pictures and the change between month 1 and month 2 is staggering.

The difference was when I finally felt it was okay to start formula feeding on top of the breast feeding. He gained 4 pounds in a month. Hello, even I am not too proud to say that I obviously never had enough milk on my own. He had never been full, and I had never been engorged and after he had that first full bottle, everything changed in an instant as his eyes rolled back in his head and he was truly full. I am glad we have never looked back. It was a big day for us.

Even now, typing this out, I feel close to tears. It's stupid, because I know I tried it all - nipple shields, breast feeding 12 hours or more a day, every single latch possible, domperidone to help me lactate more, pumping... you name it, I tried it. I really wanted to feed Brandon exclusively by breast. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be, or that really and truly, I couldn't make it work like other women seemed to be able to. Now looking back, how unhelpful some health care professionals were about the issues, and how helpful some were. It's interesting the role of experience and how it changes your perception.

You weed through so many emotions about your "ability" to breastfeed - guilt, frustration, hopelessness, you wonder if this is linked to having being diagnosed with PCOS (hormone thing) when you were young, if you aren't quite doing it right, and then comfort, satisfaction, and bonding when things are going somewhat right... in the end, with Brandon, it evolved in to more comfort nursing, with most of what he got coming from the bottle until we started introducing solid foods.

Now, number two is within a few days of their arrival, and the girls haven't really changed much. It may or may not mean a damn thing. Who knows, this time I may win the milk lottery. However, I have bought new bottles, we have a store of formula, and I am in the process of making my peace with "this is not the hill I am going to die on" this time. But I still get worked up and passionate about it all, which brought me to the conclusion that I need to let it go (really and truly) and make my peace with Brandon's first few weeks, and know that yes, he could have gained quicker, but he was alright. He is a big and healthy, strapping lad. I couldn't have done a better job than I did. This time, I will do the same, although I will start formula a lot earlier (read in the hospital), and not have the guilt, or just be as frankly honest as I can be with the nurses, etc. And myself.

And with this, comes forgiveness. For myself, for some of the opinionated folks around me (like my mom) who were trying to express opinions I wasn't ready to hear and couldn't seem to attempt a different approach that wasn't nearly as offensive as the one they were taking, and I guess even to the public health nurses (all of what 7 or 8) that I saw over the first 5 weeks until I started topping up with formula who really were somewhat pushy about the whole breastfeeding thing and not really putting out other options (until the final pair I had) that I was too tired to even consider. So, part of this post is about that - laying it out there, working it through, and just letting it go.

I have done some research - and experts say that some women truly don't produce enough milk, while for most women it is an issue of demand and latching - and this time around, I will just say we are doing both and not get as worked up about it (or will do my best not too). It actually gives us more freedom than anything else. I will be more "bamboo", and be flexible to what comes my way, rather than digging my heels in. I have a few friends that have been on both sides of this - friends whose milk came in easily and profoundly, and those of us that truly labored over producing more because what we naturally produced, never seemed to be enough. For those it isn't easy for, it is a strange thing how it affects you - and how passionately you can try to change it, and things can be okay - but never truly great. And that, at the end of the day has to be okay.

So, in a nutshell, this is about letting go, and letting it be what it will be over the next few days, weeks, and months. I aim to successfully do both - a combination of the breast and formula and give baby the best of both. It is easier the second time around, you are stronger as a mother, and I am confident in my family unit - we can make it through anything.