The season is done.

The cup run is over, and for this I am somewhat grateful. Unlike 1994, I cannot say that I am bitter about this loss. At the end of the day, the Bruins outplayed us - it wasn't the refs that lost us the game, we did that on our own. You can't get outshot 16-1 in 4 games and expect to win.

Then there was another riot in lotusland. To say I was appalled when comments began to appear as the cup was being hoisted on FB hinting to the mob is an understatement. Watching the images unfold on tv, seeing our city being trashed by a bunch of hooligans, bloody stupid. What happened wasn't about hockey, anymore than it was in 1994. The difference now is social media, and a different kind of finger-pointing and justice that is emerging and being questioned. It's unreal when you think of the events that happened that night, the blatant disregard for property, personal safety, and the seductive permission and amnesia of a crowd hellbent on distruction. I could go on - but there are already so many words penned about this.

Disgusted by the few, proud of the folks who turned up the next day to clean up and take back their city. Pretty amazing what comes from great bad things, and then the great good things. Life does seek out balance, even if it isn't always obvious.

Besides all the images of what people did, I can't help but think of all those people, milling around, holding up their phones to take pictures or videos. Standing around, curious, and taking pictures. Some people tried to intervene, while most stood around and took pictures. I am not sure about this whole social media revolution and phones with cameras, and ICBC with face recognition technology.... there is an underlying thing happening here that makes me a bit nervous, for lack of better words. The extent to which people have been "outed" is something to behold, but I also question all those who stuck around to watch - who is more quilty? The hand that acts, or the hand that stays?

So many unanswered questions, it will be interesting to see the social fallout of an experiment like this. For one, I am glad the season is done, our Nucks gave us one helluva run, and I hope the weather improves and shows us something of a summer. Time to literally move on.

Thoughts to reflect upon

I was speaking to one of Brandon's team members yesterday and getting ready for kindergarten, and we got to talking about attitudes. They mentioned a poem that I should look up, since I could probably appreciate it - and I could. I must admit I stumble over the word disability - you can substitute "challenges" or whatever word suits you. The attitude I have discovered is that people enable and disable themselves every day, and this is a poem by someone who is walking forward, head held high, looking the world in the face. Here it is:

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Decent.. but not over the top

This was one of those books where I alternated just really enjoying the language and the read, to places where I skim read through sections, and to others where it felt like the plot was being tied up in as quick a manner as possible. I still really enjoy Smith's writing, but this is not one of his best. I think that the first 3/4s were better than the last 1/4, and I could have done with less safari kills. The last 1/4 in some ways just didn't measure up and took on an increasingly rapid pace to the final page. Like another one of my favourite authors, Slade, I miss their longer novels (you know, the 7-900 page books it takes a long time to read). It just seems that with the shorter novels, you miss something along the way.

Wickedly delightful

It should come to no surprise that I love live theatre. I saw Hairspray a few weeks back, and it was better than what I expected. It was also a great day because I had a really good outing with my mom - which doesn't always happen.This time I went with a dear friend, and I think we both really needed a day out with a good girl friend. If we were willing to empty our pockets (Wicked was not cheap to see) we could have had better seats, yet even higher up, you didn't miss anything. The voices were clear, the music good, and the sets amazing. This is a musical that starts slow, and like a ball tumbling downhill that gathers up momentum, it sweeps you off your feet with it's magic. It was awesome.

Yet another musical that makes seeing Phantom in Vegas seem to pale in comparison. Wicked is worth every penny and is a wonderfully crafted play. I like that it flips the traditional tale on it's head, and that you see that the "Wicked Witch" truly wasn't quite as evil and nasty as they say. This musical did more 'showing' than 'telling', and it was just a marvel to watch unfold. I would go again. Right up there with other memorable plays/musicals that I have seen over the years.

See it.

Buzzzz Kill

Of course we get great weather on blastball Mondays and Wednesdays just as the 'Nucks make the final round of the playoffs. First two games, awesome.

Last two games = buzz kill.

I am grateful I was at the blastball diamond, trying to teach my kid to throw, catch, and hit. Each time after the second period, it was 4-0 when we got in to the car to come home... WTF?? Do we really need to do this the hard way, every time? Yah, yah, I believe... I knew we weren't going to sweep (one could hope though) but to lose your shorts like that. Bah.

So, rather than watch the last moments at home, we bundled ourselves together to head over to our MILs for her birthday celebration. Truly, the game took a backseat to enjoying family, especially since the 'Nucks at that point were not even in the chase. *SIGH*.

I think Friday night, we will be back to wearing our jerseys (which we didn't get in to because of b-ball practise), some homemade pizza, some wings, crack a cold one or two, and watch the game. It is the final after all, can't expect it to be easy. To not have lost 8-1 and 4-0 would have been a bonus though!!

On a total different note, this week has been chaotic. Blastball, working at both alternate locations, birthday celebration, graduation, Stanley Cup finals, a physio appointment, and then on the weekend, chiropractor for me, eye check ups, and the riding. I can't believe another session is just about done! Almost time for Brandon's second horse show! Talk about time flying... needless to say the house looks like a clothing and toy bomb has exploded

Get out the paint brushes!

There is something to be said about kids art. Check out this young prodigy - she just opened her first art show in NYC at the ripe old age of 4!!!

For some reason, I have the urge to buy more paints! more canvas! throw down an old sheet and then let the boys have at'er.

I admit it, I love their art. I love that Brandon loves to paint (and seems to have a different knack than I do for blending colours), and Connor seems pretty keen on it too. Seeing this is a reminder to make more time for painting, and art in general. Colouring is cool, but painting is that much of a better medium to work with. Weekends seem to pass by in such a blur, it is a good reminder to maybe set aside a Sunday every month and make it a day to make an art project...

Hello Sunshine!

I had to water my plants last night instead of waiting for them to be beaten down from more rain! It is sunny - glorious sun! Shortly I will head outside for a walk to get some exercise and just enjoy being outside in a skirt and not being cold. Yay for the little things.

I figured out what I am going to read next: Assegai by Wilbur Smith... another book in a series I have followed over the last few years. I must admit a certain fondness for this series in particular, and I would also grudingly admit that Smith's style appeals to me - the adventure of it all.

GULP, game 3 goes tonight.. we are already two games up.. that balloon of hope has been swelling!!! Here is a picture of my two boys, singing the anthem before game 2. Around our house we are a little cup crazy about now. After work it is get the boys, run home, figure out some dinner, watch some hockey, go to baseball, watch the rest of hockey, get the boys to bed, fall over and rest for another day.

This is something that came across my desk today: students between the ages of 18-27 feel empowered by student debt. At age 28, somehow they start to realize that maybe their student and credit cards debts aren't a good thing. Looking back, I can't remember a time where I thought my student debt or credit card debts were a good thing - it was a way of life to get me through school because I could not have afforded it any other way. This is CRAZY!!!

After a little arm twisting in the beginning, I liked it.

I found it really hard getting past the first twenty-odd pages of this book. A few friends have said this is a good book, and knowing this got me through the first part. Although I also have a friend whom hated this book (although that being said, when I talked to her about it last week when I realized I was really enjoying the book and I was surprised she didn't like, she admitted she read the first 10 pages, rolled her eyes, and took it back to the library).

The first part isn't smooth, it is a rough transition, and not just because Death declares themselves to be the narrator. It seems that once part one officially starts, this book finally takes off and the story ropes you in.

This is a good book - I find it strange that it is often marketed as a young adult novel. Is this because the characters are young? I think it is an important book for youth to read (as is Frey's Million Little Pieces) but I wouldn't exactly call this a kid's book.

Once again, a different take on the holocaust. I enjoyed this much more than Sarah's Key and I found the story that much more engaging, and that much more believable (or accessible for lack of a better word). Sad, dark, and yet uplifting this story told from the perspective of a poor, fostered girl in Nazi Germany. This book is many things, and I think it is one that will stay with me. I find myself grateful that I have shifted slightly what I have been reading - the books I have been reading in the last year are just so much more fulfilling than some of the others I have blitzed through all in the name of escapism. I must retract that statement, I have read a lot of great books, the ones I have been reading more of lately are just more "big L" literary than a lot of the mystery and suspense novels I was going through so quickly. I am still reading them - just not as much.

I am not sure what to read next - I have a few on my shelf that are beckoning me...

Potential for another rainout.

Tuesday and Thursday blastball appears to have had far better luck than us. It's Monday, and once again, it is raining. If this continues, we will have our 7th rain out thus far. It is hard to build momentum for a sport when you miss at least one practice (out of two) a week because of the weather.

Have I mentioned how humbling it is to try to teach an almost 5 year old how to play baseball? I take it for granted that I can throw well, and hit, catch, and understand the mechanics of the game. The kids dog pile on each other for the ball, and wrestle when they are waiting to try to hit, and watch the ball when they throw.. you have got to be kidding. When they run the bases they jump on first and then run in an ellipse until they get back to home base.. it is a sight to see!!! I had forgotten that baseball actually requires a fair bit of skill. Running, hitting, throwing, and catching sounds easy.. until you see a bunch of five year olds trying to master this skill set!!!

Should be another busy week - my mom is getting her knee replaced, the Don will have a CT scan to make sure the shunt is doing it's job, a birthday party in the middle of it, some allergy testing, and work, work, work!! It seems like the weeks are rolling by faster and faster.

A sign.

There is a sign out front of our house.

For the first twenty years of my life, I dreaded when that sign would go up because it meant we were moving again soon. Now, it means the start of a new chapter. In the past, I would try to avoid this change because it was another move in a series of moves.. Now, the for sale sign represents a change in the right direction - a home totally of our own, more space, more everything. I am holding out for two bathrooms.

We were originally thinking it was going to be early next year, but timing has come together that the time is now, and we could potentially make a great deal on selling our house. Fingers crossed it happens soon, that we get what we need, and we find a great place to move to. It feels like this is going to be a year of milestones and hurdles crossed.

O M G !!!!

Another chapter in the saga

Well after so many literary novels, I need to go back to a thriller. This is another chapter in the Agent Pendergast series, and delves in to the murder of his wife, a decade ago.

Once again, these writers deliver a well researched, fast paced novel that ends on a decent cliff hanger. Of course I can't wait to read the next one... which comes out in a few weeks. The worst part of their books is that I have read all of their collaborations - although I haven't read all of their stand alone novels. I like their blend of realism, history, and then the fantastical. Makes for some great reading.

End of a nice day

38 has started out just feeling so much more positive and together than 37 did.

Had a great day with friends today - watching the game, eating, laughing, and watching our kids play and hang out together. It was pretty sweet. It was strange that it was a noon hockey game - by the time everyone was gone at 7, I think we are were all done, but not in a bad way. The kids are all able to go to bed at a decent time (okay, maybe not mine but I am flaking out and letting them watch a movie) and the house is even in decent shape. O M G, I am finally getting better at this.

I feel just a bit more self aware than I did a year ago. I think part of that is getting more sleep (no more b'feeding, yay) and Connor transitioning to his own bed have made a huge difference to me overall, that and starting to get my confidence back at work too. Something to be said about not being so tired all the time, so ragged around the edges.

The 'Nucks dropped their game on Friday night, and I wasn't all that surprised.. this means Tuesday could be a really big night! DAMN!!! I just realized my book club is meeting on Tuesday, and ironically enough, we are going to see a movie... PVR?! Fingers are crossed we make it to the next round... quickly!!!

Unclipped

I am just so *proud* of my boy, Brandon

He isn't even 5, and his horseback riding is going amazing. Not only is it "good" for him (stretching out his leg and hip muscles, working his balance) he is getting good at it and it is building a different kind of confidence.

The yearly horse show is in a month, so we are starting to prepare him for the classes we are going to enter him in. One of the classes is pole bending, and he will be doing it "unassisted" without someone leading him through the poles. AKA - unclipped from his lead walker (she is just an awesome gal). He practiced leading his horse Midnight through the poles today, and him doing it solo (around the poles and back again)- was inspiring, even his lead walker was all choked up. What a victory.

I am also getting a lot of being at the barn and talking to the other parents, volunteers, the people who work for PRDA - very humbling, very inspiring, very grounding. Talking to other parents who have had unusual paths (not the norm) like us is empowering, and it just helps to talk to people who may not have the same story, but there is a common thread there. It is an amazing place and I am so glad to be involved and I can't wait to read what I will be writing about Brandon's equestrian abilities even another year from now.

Balance

It feels like I am starting to get caught up on all my projects at work this week, and making some breakthroughs too (of a sort).

I have been back to work almost a year, and I must say, it is a challenge. I look back at the last year since I came back, and it has really been a journey. I have learned so much - about myself, about what I do, the people I work with... again, I have shifted from the person I was a year ago. It isn't easy getting back in to the swing of things, getting up to speed, changing gears at work, getting over disappointments in work and life and then still performing. It has been tough. Hawaii was tough - I put so much importance on the trip and then both kids were so sick, it was a bummer of trip. Christmas break was tough - once again, sick family just throwing things for a loop. Then my gran dying, and Brandon's surgery... and then everything seeming to lift, and live just truly moving on.

Work has been frustrating at times, and the rewards have been hard fought for, when I have found them (LOL). It isn't that bad, but it has felt that bad at times. I have felt pressured to be faster, or be better up to speed, or to have my business writing skills honed to perfection immediately, or to be a good team player all the time when I am caught up in my own head, and own things that have to be done (especially when I am the one to take this lead in this, not my coworker). I gave up lunches there for a few weeks, did some work from home, and I am glad I did since I can see things starting to ease, but it has not been easy. Plus it feels like I am a bit at odds with my manager, and at some point we will need to have a conversation, but it won't be an easy one. I think there have been some hurts/misunderstandings along the way (probably on both parts) and things that both of us could have done better over this year, I am willing to take some stuff on the chin, but not all of it. I haven't initiated this conversation yet because it is still too raw, and I don't have the words. I suspect when it happens, I won't have all the words, but I will know what I want to say. I had a conversation with my overall director the other day, and we are all good, and they know where I am coming from, and that is truly key. The rest will work out, and be awkward at times, but you know, that is what you grow from and that is what I am trying to keep in mind. This last year has been all about growth, and shifting, and I have made some mistakes along the way, and then I keep making new ones, but I think that this is part of my own development and hopefully makes me a better person at the end of this part of my journey. So there, enough of this inner rumination and run on sentance... again.

The themes of my life are now time management, balance, and trying to stay on top of everything. The list is a powerful object in my life. As is my calendar. All about management. I am taking my lunches again, and some of my breaks, and I am trying to sort of the rest of the details, like getting some exercise. My next goal is better balance, and to drop 25 pounds by fall. Wouldn't that just be great?!

Looking forward to a little TGIF tomorrow, and a long weekend!

Now that was a game.

That bubble of hope just got that much bigger.

O M G. We just delivered the spanking we got a last year from Chicago...

Classic novel

I have been swapping books back and forth with a friend, and this was the latest book she arm twisted me to read. I read A Passage to India about 15 years ago, so reading this book was reminiscent to another time in my life - one in which I was totally immersed in my undergraduate studies. Forster is a great novelist - funny, sophisticated wit, intelligent plots, timeless. This book is no different and I am sure that I will watch the movie that came out a few years ago (it too came with high reviews).

Many times I found myself wanting to write out quotes from this book. Thank you wikipedia for the following quotes, saves me from finding them in the book. This is a romance and a period piece, now that a hundred years has passed since it was written, and a fine read. It rings true as a story, and provides a window in to another time, a different place - yet the emotions and the feeling remains constant.

• There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it

• The kingdom of music is not the kingdom of this world; it will accept those whom breeding and intellect and culture have alike rejected. The commonplace person begins to play, and shoots into the empyrean without effort, whilst we look up, marveling how he has escaped us, and thinking how we could worship him and love him, would he but translate his visions into human words, and his experiences into human actions.

• Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice.

• It isn’t possible to love and to part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know from experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.

where were we before the 'net?

In a mother moment, I was unloading groceries and putting them away.

In a toddler moment, Connor grabbed a red sharpie, and drew on the really nice, HD computer monitor.

In a typical older brother fashion, Brandon waited to tattle until after Connor had finished his drawing.

In a feat of superhuman strength I did not lose my cool, googled the net and discovered that toothpaste should work. Really? After using wipes, and some vodka... toothpaste would work on a monitor against the likes of a sharpie?

Well, it appears I have been proven wrong, and happily.

Viola! Red sharpie drawing gone. What the hell did we ever do before the net?

Now this is funny

Late night!

Whoops. Everyone was asleep early tonight so I frittered away some time on the 'net and then dove in to my book. I only intended on reading a few pages, and it turned in to a hundred, midnight rolled by, and then... well. Here I sit.

This is a good story, not a great book, but an important story that needs to be told. I could tell you what worked for me, and what didn't work so well, and in a way, how rushed this book felt, especially towards the end, yet I think that would capture the book - I don't think this would stand up so well to a traditional English literature class deconstruction, but it doesn't have to. I am glad it is popular, because it means that people are remembering about events like this in the past, that tidbits of history are being unburied, remembered, and talked about it - this is important. Although the characters are fictional, the events described in this book were real.

This is a holocaust book that describes a little known event that took place in Paris, 1942, when French police round up mainly Jewish women and children. It is something that has been washed over with overlooked plaques and the forward motion of time. Stories like this, and even the Potato Peel Society... are important because they tell about events that are not part of mainstream consciousness.

I took a course on the Holocaust when I was in university, and it was the first time I had learned about it. This still strikes me as slightly unreal - I was a good student in high school, and although I did not take History 12, I just never knew. Hard to believe that this is a terrible piece of human history and it isn't always taught. I don't know what it is like now, 20 years later in our high schools, but...

I remember the books I read that fall, and it was a long, bleak fall. Those books and films have stayed with me - and I took that course back in 1995. It was profoundly sad to contemplate, and yet, within the horror, there are stories of triumph, of hope, of the human spirit - in the good and the evil. I took the course at a time of transformation in my own life, moving beyond one of my earlier selves and maturing a little, you know, into a mature 22 year old (laugh at self inserted here) that has just been to Europe for a summer holiday.

This book was decent. I would however recommend the following if you ever wanted to delve further in to this topic in terms of literature:

Schindler's List, Thomas Kinneally, yes the movie is good, and the book is really good
Sophie's Choice, William Styron
Night, Elie Wiesel
Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl
Anne Frank, the Diary of a young girl

I have the Book Thief on my reading list, and I suspect at some point I may read the Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas, but I can't guarantee it (one of the gal's from my book club has talked about this one, sounds like a tear jerker).

Really, blue???

Can't say I am thrilled with this election. To say my candidate did not win, is an understatement.

Bah.

I did experience some character growth today as I participated in a PD day! I got to learn about FIRO - Element B personality testing and it really was quite intriguing. I will have to sit and ruminate about this one for a bit, let the ideas percolate before I go out on a limb and make sweeping comments. (thank you Wikipedia for the following):

Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO) is a theory of interpersonal relations, introduced by William Schutz in 1958. This theory mainly explains the interpersonal underworld of a small group. The theory is based on the belief that when people get together in a group, there are three main interpersonal needs they are looking to obtain - affection/openness, control and inclusion. Schutz developed a measuring instrument that contains six scales of nine-item questions that he called FIRO-B. This technique was created to measure or control how group members feel when it comes to inclusion, control, and affection/openness or to be able to get feedback from people in a group.

*****
Human nature is that everyone feels insecure, incompetent, unlikeable, out of sorts, etc at some point. This test helps measure what your triggers are buried within Inclusion, Control, and Openness by looking at what you "want" and what you "do". My biggest disconnect was in the realm of "inclusion" and it got me thinking - what are some of my fears - of course I want to be liked, and I like to feel a part of things, but is this perception or perceived need holding me back, and if so, how do I change my story? Now this is the interesting part - someone in our group relayed a story that was familiar to me - the desire for inclusion and also having moved around a lot growing up, and a need to overplan themselves, and once one goal has been achieved, to push on towards the next one, always seeking.

Damn, that sounded a bit familiar, I can truly thank my hubby for helping me calm a bit of that down - learning how to enjoy a moment rather than several moments back to back to back to back, running between them all at a frenzied pace. It got me thinking in a different way about the impact of moving around so much when I was young, what I am choosing for my kids, and now, how I choose to integrate that experience for the here and now. It is crazy that this instability growing up, always been the new kid, never growing up with one set of peers created both a person whom is friendly, open and outgoing, but also someone who wants to be included, and doesn't want to feel left out - buried need from being the new kid? It is an interesting thought to toy with and blast away, since that drama is years in the past and now in my own control. I look back 10 years ago, and I enjoyed making all the plans, and throwing parties and making things happen, and through this lens, I see that it was a way to make sure that I was included. I think I have moved away from this need for inclusion - now I wonder how much of it is situational and how much is habitual.

Well worth the session - and timely. It would be interesting to do this one again in a few years when the kids are older and I am further along the dual track of motherhood and career.

1.40

It makes me glad we did a quick trip stateside this weekend to get gas when I wake up Monday morning and see the price at the pump hit $1.40 a litre.

O M F G. We are closing in on a buck-fifty again! We like to do driving holidays!!

I put $30 in my tank Thursday... more than likely, I will be putting more in on Tuesday when I go out to the other campus to work. My truck is no where close to being fuel efficient and I am starting to wonder what 4x4 is... although a different vehicle is not a priority for the next few years, I cannot get over high the price of gas is getting, it is unreal when $30 doesn't even get you through the week (that isn't driving on the weekends) and you only put on about 150 kms a week, at most. Okay, I drive up and down some significant hills, but really.... really??!

Jeans Day

Can you ask for a better charity to support?

It was easy to buy my pin this year. I am wearing my jeans with pride.

Deja Vu

I must admit there is a certain joy when you "discover" a new author and realize that they have at least 20 books under their belt for you to read.

However, when you start tracking what you are reading (like I am this year), it makes it pretty obvious what appeals to your reading tastes. It is always sad when you reach the end of an author's canon and you have to wait for them to produce more work! LOL. I am thoroughly enjoying Robinson's books. Great mystery thrillers, with just enough details and great plots. This one was no different.

I called this post "deja vu" since as I was reading the first few chapters of The Summer that Never Was it felt like I had read this story before. I had to flip through a few pages to see if this was right. Then I remembered reading Tana French's book earlier this year, and there is a passing resemblance between these two books. That being said, Robinson's came out first {LOL}. Now French's book doesn't seem as unique in retrospect, and since In the Woods left me with questions, and this one left me will some answers from what I have read in this series and has more books to read... well... I suspect a few more Robinsons' before I pick up another French.

Pink Eye

I can't say I would want a do-over for today, but it could have been a better day.

Looks like Brandon has pink eye (caught from his group daycare) and we were called to pick him up. He is the 6th kid to catch it from his class.

Needless to say, we got Connor checked out as well, and so far so good, he doesn't officially have it yet, but one ear is a little red. *SIGH*

Ken rolled his ankle and is limping, I have my heel pain, and my eyes were crusty too. What a lot we are! All a wee bit off, snuffly, and just not at 100%. This is a great week for it to be a short week.

Work has been a mixed bag - it has had a really interesting vibe lately. I find some parts of my job really rewarding, and some parts have felt like a real grind. I feel like I am getting somewhere, and I feel like I have to second guess myself too. Since I was somewhat called out, I have reflected some, and parts just don't feel all that justified, and for parts, what I observe what else is going on, feel completely unjust. I have felt a shift within myself, what I am willing to do, the lists I am going to make to chart my own progress, and just pausing a little more to try to be more reflective too. I feel like am on solid ground in some aspects, and quicksand in others. I also feel like every time I look up, it is Friday again, and that another week has already slipped by. Time is just flying.

Weaning has gone better than I expected. Overall Connor has been great to put to bed. I cannot wait for my body to adjust, and for my damp chest to a thing of the past. It is a great feeling to have no regrets about breast feeding, and to not feel like looking back. It was a great chapter, and one I am truly glad to be moving on from.

Garden Spells

Every now and then a bit of whimsy is just what is required. We had an amazing weekend getaway... finally. No one got sick, the weather was agreeable, and the sights were awesome. I even got to read a light and fluffy book, that was just perfect for this weekend.

This is what I like about chick-lit. Okay, a little bit of magic happened (something endearing about an apple tree that drops apples at your feet that will reveal the biggest event of your life to you when you eat it, good or bad) between the pages, and in a way, it reminded me a little of a Nora Roberts book in that sense (with the romance, and the easy to connect to characters and the charm), and I truly enjoyed it. Not a heavy read, and it delivered a good, happy ending, which was what I was looking for. I would read more books by this author - this was a delightful book.

So long, good friend.

In the car, heading for the ferry, my dear husband tells me he threw out our old espresso machine. I can't say I was ready for that - I would have been quite happy to put it in the box for that my new machine came in and store it in the shed for a year, or two, or three... you know..

just in case. I guess I had that "look" on my face because he said "what's the point of storing it for someday, you know it leaks out water everywhere and you weren't happy with it" and I came out with a profound, "yeah.. but". You know how it goes. He was right. We don't need to store more electronics that don't work well in our shed, it is already bursting at the seams. I also like our new machine, even if I didn't like it at first.

I claim to be good at change, but really, some times I really am not as good at change as I hope to be. So, I shut up, and didn't call my dad to rescue the old espresso machine out of the garbage. Not bad for $50 (bought it used from a friend who worked at the coffee giant back in 2000).... it made thousands of good coffees, and at the end of the day, served me well. Farewell dear machine... may your successor last half as long... (they really don't make them the way they used to)

Done.

The breastaurant is officially closed.

It closed for a night on Saturday, reopened briefly on Sunday, and closed again last night.

It felt so right. Well, Brandon got 2 years, and Connor got just about 22 months. They should both consider themselves lucky for two totally different reasons. After Brandon, I didn't feel like I was done yet, perhaps some inner awareness that another child was a possibility. Now, I am done. I am so glad to have had two kids, and to have breastfed as long as I did, and I am SO GLAD I finally did it.

It didn't happen how I thought it would - I had visions of Ken putting Connor to bed every night and me hiding out in Brandon's room. The cowards way out, this is what I figured would be the easiest. In the end, I ended up telling Connor he was a big boy, and slowly weaning him off by putting him on a nightly time limit, and on Saturday, I reached that point where it was really easy to just not do it. I sang to him, laid next to him, and stayed until he fell asleep. Then I ran out in to the living room and did a few fist pumps.

D O N E .

Did I mention I am just thrilled about this? For me it isn't about "getting my body back" (okay, maybe a little but more in the sense of not having some one pull down my shirt, or trying to grab me, and then go for a meal) but it just being so the right time. Connor is a big guy, he doesn't need it, and it is time to get comfort from his loved ones in a different way. Time for me to let go too, and move along.

Bedtime is getting easier, and the wake ups in the middle of the night haven't been as bad as I expected. It is a relief. So I didn't take the cowards way out and I dealt with it (my karma I suppose) and faced my fears about weaning. The heart wrenching cries were few, he seems to have handled it well, and life moves on. I will cherish the memories I have of breast feeding, and I am glad I persisted with both. Very rewarding, not the easy thing in the beginning you think it will be, and so very much the right time to move on.

A little of everything

Reading this, I couldn't help but wonder where books like this where when I was doing all my literature courses...(damn dead WASPs... there is something to be said about World literature) for a book in translation, the prose was beautiful. This is a grand book, from beginning to end. It took me weeks to finish this - it really isn't a book that you pick up and read in one or two sittings. At times this is a coming of age novel, sometimes a mystery, at times a historical piece, sometimes it borders on a Greek tragedy, and at times, it is whimsical and fanciful in the language employed.

I quoted the opening passage a few posts back, and there is a thread about books and their stories that permeates this entire book. Have I mentioned how much I enjoyed this book? And not in the usual sense either... about 2/3rs of the way through I kind of did a bit of a groaner for the direction one of the characters ended up taking, but within the context of the book, it does create the Greek tragedy element to the tale, and makes it somewhat more poignant, even if this element was a bit distasteful (I won't give it away just in case you are so inspired to pick up this book).

How to describe in a nutshell what this is about - against the backdrop of WW II and the Spanish Revolution, this is the story about a young boy named Daniel, his widowed father, and their used bookstore. This is also the story of an obscure writer, whose life is ironically entwined with Daniel's and comes to a dramatic head by the climax of the novel. It is partly a coming of age novel, first loves, loss, war, living in an oppressed society, filial love, books, identity, stereotypes and archetypes. Did I mention this book had a bit of everything in it? I don't think I am doing the best job at relating what this book is about, but it is well worth a read. I had the urge to get out a highlighter and mark passages for future reference, and I did stick some bits of toilet paper in too.. but those bits are gone and I am not feeling up to searching through the book to find some worthy quotes to immortalize here.

Once again, I have to say I am glad that my reading habits have taken such a departure from what I was reading - I haven't been bored, and I have a bunch of books cued up that I am really looking forward to reading.

Organizing my head

I am not sure, but I think that today was one of those days.

The nice perk is that today is my Friday, and I am home with the boys tomorrow, and I am feeling a burst of inspiration to do some spring cleaning. It started with organizing my closet a bit tonight when I put some clothes away (nice to have shirts together, then skirts, etc) and then to my socks, and then all the papers around my desk, time to feed the recycling bag again. I feel the need to get the stuff around me together and sorted and perhaps even tossed so I can get my head together too and free of some clutter. Or maybe the secret is just having some quiet time to process and not have someone calling on you ...

Total aside, where the hell do missing socks go? Now that there are 4 of us in the house, I somehow have a stack of unmatched socks. We aren't even talking about a few, I have between 10-15 unmatched socks. Many of them small - when did the boys acquire so many socks??? WTF?

On to my original topic - it has me thinking tonight about the challenges of returning to work after your second maternity leave in to a job that has "expectations". It is funny, I would say I have learned more in the last 9 months than I have in a long time, and yet I have been told that in some areas I am not hitting my stride. For some stuff, I take it on the chin and recognize where the failings are.. for other stuff, it almost feels like micromanaging from my higher up and I wonder if I could have met the expectations - especially when they were really vague and not all that well articulated, or maybe with my current energy levels there just wasn't a lot of inspiration in the tank. I feel like I need to make a list to address some things over the weekend, and then have another conversation, one in which I am prepared, and can have my say as well, rather than just sit there and take it, and respond in the moment, but not necessarily in a thoughtful manner. Mental note - when you want to have a mutually beneficial (even if you don't always see eye to eye) conversation with someone, don't ambush them.. give them time to prepare themselves. The irony is that this conversation feels like it has happened a week late - already been moving on and it feels like things have already shifted... almost funny, but not in a ha ha way.

It also got me thinking - it has been a helluva year. I would whinge a lot here, but I think that I will spare you, my reader, the eye rolling of reading a list full of things we have all had to deal with. End of the day, it is NOT EASY working full-time, being a full-time mom, trying to be a good wife, and a good person to yourself, and then even trying to stay in touch with friends too. Maybe even throw the cats and fish in there for good measure.

So tonight I may even do some work, see if I can find some inspiration sitting here in my jammies and go from there. Sometimes the quiet is just nice.

A fine book indeed

What a fine book. Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying the Inspector Banks series??? I was up until the wee hours of the morning last night finishing off the book while I had the chance. What a great plot, with interwoven strands from the past (World War II) and current day, this was superbly executed. Just enough mystery to keep you wondering until the very end, and some nice character development as well. Since I haven't read this series in order, I am picking up on some information that I missed by leaping ahead. These books are tighly written, well plotted out, and not just a police procedural. The characters evolve, they are flawed, and the crime not overstated and over the top (just enough detail) and the countryside interesting. I look forward to my next foray in to a used bookstore when I can stock up on more of his books.

Now, my next book caught me with the first sentence. As I have been whinging, the last few books I have taken out from the library I have barely held on to for a day. I sat down to start this one at lunch time, and I was immediately enchanted. I am reading Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafron, and I can't wait to get further in to it.

This is how it begins -

"I still remember the day my father took me the Cemetary of Forgotten Books for the first time. It was early summer 1945, and we walked through the streets of Barcelona trapped beneath ashen skies as dawn poured over Rambla de Santa Monica in a wreath of liquid copper" Who wouldn't want to continue?

Shhhhhhhhhh

Is it bad to not let your youngest have a nap because you know it means he will fall asleep easily, and early? Wait, don't answer that.

Well, my dear hubby has been away for a boy's weekend and should get home from the land covered with ice and snow sometime tomorrow night. From the sounds of it, he has had a very successful weekend ice fishing.

My weekend has been good too, in a totally different way, and has gone by incredibly fast. Thursday, when he left, seems like a lifetime ago. Friday was good - boss was away, which was just nice, and I got a fair bit accomplished at work, and then my BFF from when I was kid brought her boys over and we ate pizza, and spankmypitas, and ate candy, and played video games, and then our boys watched a movie while we talked some more. It was just magic. We had baileys on ice, we talked, we didn't solve life's great mysteries, but it was just so nice. It is a real trip to look back over 20 years and remember our 14 year old selves and now her oldest is almost 13. O M G. Watching him move to a dance video game was surreal - he is all gangly and long (all arms and legs right now and changing features as he leaves his boyish self behind) and growing so fast.. it is hard to believe I have known him forever, and his bro... they stayed the night, and we had breakfast and then we parted. They shopped and I took my boys to White Rock, and then we joined up again at her folks on Saturday. I took all the boys to the park, and my gal's youngest asked me how we were related, and I told him that they were family that his mom and I had chosen to be family. He kind of nodded, and I think he got it, and I think he also thought it was kind of cool too. He also called me mom a few times, I don't think he meant to at the park, it is just that I was the mom-figure that was out there with him. Hysterical was him having to take a whiz and running to a tree, and then the next thing I know my oldest's ass is hanging out and he is christening the same tree. It is magic how our kids get along. You can hope for stuff like that but you can't plan it. Shortly after, we headed home and me and the boys crashed out together, pretty exciting. Should I admit I will not win any culinary awards for how we have eaten this weekend??

Today I hooked up with other dear friends, and we went to Rocky Point. It was awesome. A total spring day, and ultimately, where we got married 5 years ago. Funny I have been to both places this weekend (by unconscious design??) ... we watched out kids play, we walked, and talked, and we even geocached! That was cool - watching our kids find the stash, and then trading trinkets. I could see that being a lot of fun as the kids get older. The only thing missing was my man, but I can tell him about it all tomorrow night when we swap stories.

Tonight I finally got some time for me - the boys are asleep and I think I will finally finish the book I am reading, it has only taken me about 2 weeks to get through it, you know, with a few crises thrown in for good measure. Hell, I even got to watch an episode of CSI that wasn't on the PVR!!! Will be interesting to see how this week pans out - I am moving my office tomorrow and we shall see how where I am at with my boss - I think everything is all good, but it has just been strange over the last few weeks... maybe I am just being paranoid because I missed all those days and need to get back in to the groove... also think I need to bring up minutes in our meetings when action things happen, not fun being the odd man out for stuff.

A day in the life..

So much rattling around in my head I have no idea where to start.

How about strange and unusual bits?

Picked up Freedom, by Jonathon Frazier and I can't say it is doing much for me. When I leave work today, I will return that book to the library, pretty much unread. The joys of library books - they are risk free. If they don't capture you in the few little bit, bye-bye! Okay, I will admit I did check out some reviews, and a friend read it recently, and the reviews are all over the board. There are way to many great books out there to waste my time on a book that feels like work.

Almost 5 years married (tomorrow)... and my hubby just left for ice fishing in the northern flatlands of Alberta. The most romantic part? The cards we wrote to each other we pretty close to identical. Awwwwwww. I got a really cool ring too with all of our birthstones in it too!

Most important part, Brandon is doing amazing. His ability to recover is astounding. He is also quite willing to talk about his shunt, and show people his scar. Man, he is one cool dude.

Overall I think I am doing well -getting back in to the swing of things at work, and feeling not quite so scattered. That being said, I am unsure how work is going to treat my time off (I have a great letter from our neurosurgeon) whether it will be compassionate leave or some vacation time, or ?? I am also moving offices. I will be in close quarters with someone I really have no desire to be that close to. *SIGH* It is my old office, but I don't get my old desk. The desk is orientated in a way that I hate, so I will attempt to move some furniture around. I am not quite sure how everything is going to shake out. I can't jump up and down and say that this has been the best of my work times, overall it has been pretty frustrating over the last few weeks. I hope this chapter ends soon. I will make the most of the move - I will bring in plants, and surround myself with things that make me feel good. I will have a window again, and one that opens. I will just ignore the rest. Bah. At least I learned a few years ago how to advokate for myself.

Grateful.

Warning, this is going to be a long post as I wax poetic, and also just unravel the experiences of the last few days. I don't talk about it that much, but our oldest son has hydrocephalus, which is treated by a VP shunt to divert excess CSF to his body cavity. This was diagnosed a few days before his first Christmas, and he had emergency brain surgery to put in the shunt. Since then, I have been scared shitless of the day if Brandon would ever need a revision in case the shunt failed. It has only been in the last few months that I have been been able to let go of some of this fear and stress, learning that it was never when the shunt would need replacing, but if.

That being said, last Tuesday Brandon got a random headache and started vomiting. He reported falling at daycare when questioned, but could never provide a lot of details about this experience, and no one saw him fall. We weren't sure if it is was a concussion, or the start of a flu (he had had a headache when we were in Hawaii with that flu, but he also had a fever and the vomiting and chills), or if it was something else. Wednesday morning Brandon was fine, until just before heading to work, the headache and vomiting came back.

Spent a few hours at home, Ken came home, I went to work... only to have Ken call to say he was really concerned since the headache lifted again, but came back with a vengeance. I came home from work, time passed. We had free tickets to the Canucks game so Ken went with a friend (I wasn't up to leaving or going out), and things just never got any better. A lot of vomiting (never had so much laundry to do in my life), and the headache just wasn't lifting. I had spoken to the neurosurgeon fellow at Children's and since Brandon was cognitively there, and it could have been a concussion, we weren't too worried... yet.

Thursday morning we dropped Connor off at daycare and went in to Children's. We had a CT scan within 2 hours, which really didn't show anything. Our neurosurgeon admitted Brandon for observation, and after a medication to stop the nausea, Brandon stopped vomiting, but the headache continued to progress. Ken went home to be with Connor, and in the wee hours of Friday Brandon's headache reached unreal proportions and he was in a lot of pain -pain not touched by all of the pain medications he was on. He was literally out of his head with pain, and then he would sleep for 20 minutes from exhaustion, until the cycle would start again. With the neurosurgeon and a few nurses, we did a shunt tap at 3am, discovering the shunt was not working. It was time for emergency surgery. It was a terrible phone call to make to your partner at 3am - come... our boy is going in to surgery. O M F G.

The team was assembled, and they were amazing. They didn't know what they would find, but what they found is that the catheter leading from the shunt valve in to Brandon's ventricle was no longer working - they replaced it, and tested the rest of the shunt (which was working and didn't need replacement)- and finished off. Everything was a success, and even in post-op, talking to Brandon, I had my boy back. He was no longer in pain, and was no different than he had been before the headache hit. He looks no worse for wear, a shaved patch on his head, a few stitches, lots of that pink antibacterial wash all over his body (no shower until tomorrow and no bath for a week after that to allow the stitches to fully heal). He is happy again, talking up a storm.

We were discharged from Children's on Saturday and going home was a joy. I have been afraid of a revision all this time, and it was the best thing that could have happened when he needed it. Talking to the neurosurgeon, this catheter is shorter, and better placed in the ventricle, fingers crossed, this should be it. I also know what to look for next time, and seeing him a few days later, already not needing any Tylenol, I am just grateful.

Last night we ended up having a bunch of family over and it was awesome - the best noise you could have asked for. Ken and I and the boys may just need time to get over this, but to have been surrounded by all that love last night, it was just magic. We had Brandon's favourite meal (roast beast, carrots, potatoes, and lava.. and then chocolate cake) and he played lots hockey video games, and we let him sleep in our room again, just because.

This all feels slightly unreal, we are home today and then we are doing a graduated return to daycare over the next few days. I am thankful for FB.. I was a bit nervous about posting something before we went in to surgery, but Ken posted what we were going through, and I am so grateful for the outpouring of positive thoughts. For such a difficult experience, we had amazing care, from the ER staff, to our nursing team, to the people we met in the ward, and our doctors. I am grateful Ken and I are a team in the true sense of the word - you realize how much so when you go through something like this.



Now, life moves on. Brandon is doing awesome, and I am sure at some point in the next few days I will quietly fall apart, and then put myself back together again. I feel grateful, and nothing but gratitude

A Strange Affair

Well, after my foray in to my literary books, I had to go back to one of my tried and true favourites. I am truly glad that my local used bookstore proprietor recommended Peter Robinson to me when I was looking for new authors to read. I have enjoyed every one of his books that I have read, and this one was no exception. I have not read these books in series (you don't have to, much like Michael Connelly's Harry Bosch series) and the more I read, the more I want to read. This book has great characterizations, and the plot is tight. A great way to spend a few hours between the pages, up next is another in the series.

Travel shows

If you have two nickels in your hand, what do you do? Rub them together and go on a trip! Although we don't always get to travel as far abroad as we would like (champagne tastes on a beer budget and those young children we have), when we do have the chance to strike out and see something a little different, we take the opportunity as often and for as long as we can!

When that doesn't work, we live vicariously through others. We stumbled upon the Idiot Abroad (funny stuff) and a friend recommended Departures (funny in a different way, and a little more thoughtful, to say the least) and between the two poles there are some great stories and inspiration for future travels.

I should also give a shout-out to my friends on the Renova, preparing for more adventures! There is something to be said for the gypsy spirit, soaking in all the experiences and sights that you can!

The travel bucket list - places to see and things to do, a never ending quest.

One end of the Spectrum

You know when you are sitting there watching something on the telly, and then you hear a strange sound from the couch, and you realize it is the sound of your husband laughing, giggling, and chortling because what you are watching is just that funny? Check out these best bits from Karl Pilkington's, An Idiot Abroad... especially the bit that there is always a nutter around.. we have only caught a handful of the 8 episodes but they are cued up on the PVR to catch the rest. H I L A R I O U S.

The other end of the spectrum

This is the intro to Season 2 (of 3) of Departures... this is a beautifully filmed and thoughtfully narrated travelogue of two Canadians traveling through some of the more remote regions of the world. Soundtracks are amazng, the cinematography is luxurious and stunning, and the guys are entertaining.

The finished products...

Small and Medium hats (for the boys)

Ken's Viking Hat...I won't admit how many times I tweaked those &*^$@* horns!

My boys.

Damn Horns.

It all started with the movie, How to Train your Dragon. This is a huge hit in our house, with two boys and all, a story about Vikings and Dragons, can you go wrong? I was searching out a hat pattern for inspiration to make myself a hat, when I stumbled upon this website, and this wonderful knitted Viking Hat. I thought it was pretty damn cool, but I didn't have the supplies on hand at the time.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I kept returning to this pattern. It would be perfect for my guys. So, a few road trips later, and I have three Viking Hats. One I made with 66 stitches, one with 60, and the last one with 52 around. I adjusted the pattern a bit, and the post I did a while back about bobbles was how I learned how to make my first bobbles. It is a very easy pattern, and my only hitch was making the damn horns.

I have made the equivalent of five pairs for three hats. Apparently I learn the hard way. There is a horn pattern attached with this pattern, but I ended up free-forming my horns on double pointed needles. I learned the hard way that "bigger is not always better" and the first pair of horns I knitted on to my hubby's hat looked like Texas Longhorns. Drooping ones at that. Off they came, and several other versions happened. I learned that smaller, tighter horns are better (who knew) and that when you fill them with stuffing, really doesn't work all that well. After attaching two pairs, I had the idea that perhaps I should just use the scrap wool to shove in to the horns, and VIOLA! My problems were solved and the horns looked much better.

Needless to say, I have spent more time on the horns than I did knitting all three hats. This is a simple pattern, and I am grateful that I found it. The hats are a hit, and each of my guys can wear them with pride. It was magic watching Connor put on his hat and check to see if his horns where there.. and then Brandon getting to preschool and running around showing everyone his hat... now that I have improved my hubby's horns.. it will be great how to see it looks now. Makes my simple green hat seem not quite as colourful!

I will post some pictures of the finished hats tonight. I am pretty damn pleased with myself.

Room

I have seen this on a few "best of" books, and when I am surfing the book lists, this seems to be one of the books that appears embedded within the stream of recommended reads.

I can't say that I am over the moon about this book. It was a provocative read, parts of it were really hard to wrap my mind around, some parts I skimmed over (just weren't going anywhere for me) and some parts I paid a lot of attention to. This is told from the perspective of five year old Jack and reveals the story of his upbringing in a 11 x 11 room (a reinforced garden shed) with his mother, whom had been kidnapped seven years previously.

This book is steeped in cultural references, for example, and it is insightful in some ways, and in other ways it fell somewhat flat for me- as a narrator Jack was at times great, and then the story around him seem to fracture and lose track a wee bit - which of course could be the point coming from a 5 year old narrator that has not lived a normal existence by any stretch of the word.

This is a quick and easy read (pretty much read it in a day because of a return trip on the skytrain), and I am sure it will stay with me because it is disturbing subject matter.... but I can't say that I would shout from the rooftops and say, wow, what a book. I am glad I read it so I have an opinion about it... and time to literally move on!

I should also mention I borrowed a copy of The Slap (I was intrigued by the idea, a book evolving out of a barbeque where an adult slaps a kid that isn't theirs) but I got about 10 pages in to it (then surfed some opinions on the book as I wasn't all that impressed) and I figure there are so many great books out there I haven't read yet, and this is a library book, that I will just take it back to where I got it from, which brought me to Room.

Charmed

What a charming read. It has been a while since I could say that I have read two books in a weekend, and gotten the laundry done.. but I did! It helped it snowed, and then the monsoon hit to melt it all, and with my little guy under the weather, wasn't the time to have a big weekend. It helps that both were what I would call easy reads, and this one was totally charming.

The narrative structure took a bit to get in to, but once I did, I really enjoyed how the story played out. It isn't a hard hitting novel, but it does delve in to some pretty serious topics. The story focuses upon the folk of Guernsey Island (one of the British Channel islands occupied by the Germans during WWII) and a writer, Juliet, whom becomes a vital part of their community by chance.

Having done a course on the holocaust in uni, in which the books we read were as incredible as they were hard to read, in a way, this is a different way to learn about another facet of the war - a different kind of human face and reflection. I enjoyed this book - I don't really want to say it was light-hearted fun, but it is a feel good novel as you turn that last page. I feel like I am going through a bit of a reading renaissance right now - I am reading different kinds of books than I have been, ranging far and wide and I am loving it.

A little something for the rain...

Well worth a gander, and a quick read to boot! Why is it most books about animals end up with tears being shed? I just thought of the Edgar Sawtelle book (meh), and then there is Yeller (never read, didn't need to cry that much) to the Hunters of Cherokee County by Wilson Rawls (I read this one over 25 years ago and it still sticks out in my mind.. I remember Little Ann and Big Dan.. ) I had a feeling some leakage from my eyes would happen because of this book, but it wasn't a terrible thing.

This is told from the perspective of Enzo, the dog and not the human. See, when Enzo finishes this life, he believes that he will be reincarnated as a human. This is his story as he tries to be the best dog growing in to a human that he can be. It is about his people, and his human, and their partnership. It is a lovely read, a heartbreaking read at times, and a profound read. I laughed (crow scene) and I didn't cry in the middle, but I did cry at the end. A book about perseverance, of love, of being true to yourself.

It seems the message I have been getting from the universe (seems like I am getting better at decluttering and that isn't coming up as much anymore) is to look in the direction that you want to go. Not to dwell too much right now, but focus on the place you want to be, and you unconsciously move that way.

I should have read it in less sittings

This was a decent read. It feels like a throwback novel - crafted in a different time (even if it is a recent novel). The language is quite lovely, and it was a quick and pleasurable read. I was not so sure how I felt about Flavia, our cheeky 11 year old narrator, but she grew on me by the end of the novel. At times I didn't know if I would want to read another in this series, but I think I would...

It was a jarring book to read a few pages at a time, and I finished the last 1/3 in one sitting, and I found that as I hit my reading stride, I enjoyed this book more. It wasn't profound, nothing earth-shattering, but good. A mystery, not quite like a Nancy Drew, not like a modern thriller either - somewhere in the middle. If you want a book that will draw you in, a little history sprinkled in, some enjoyable characters (literally), this is well worth a dive in to.

Settling in

It is amazing how there are moments in life that you wish you could just freeze frame them to take the moment, wallow in it, and then move on. Life is not like that though - it keeps on rumbling along. It is also different when you have young kids - they don't always understand why mom's mood can be a little off.

Thank you for the positive thoughts and support about my gran.

It is a different grieving experience - it is different when the person is older, you have said what you needed to say when they were alive, and your last goodbye was pretty awesome (at Christmas when we were out on the island). I hate to say it, but it is not as heart wrenching as it is with a younger person. When people find out she was 96 their first response invariably is "wow" and I can't argue with that - we should all be so lucky to be pretty healthy for as long as she was and to have had a downward slide just at the end..

It feels odd - I am part of that middle generation. Our parents are now the oldest. Our kids are the youngest... not so young anymore, and old enough to be dispensing advice and mothering the almost 20 year olds out there. When did this happen?

Going back to work is strange - your world has shifted and yet you are in your car, heading in, and the routine starts up again. A little shift in perspective, extra hugs for your loved ones...

A moment to remember

Well, situation puts it mildly. My dad isn't always great with words... but I guess when you are searching for the right word situation will do.

I sit here and write because it seems to be the thing to do in this moment - staring at the white screen. My gran passed away tonight. Startlingly quickly. My cousin and her husband where there, and I am grateful that my gran was not alone.

96 years, that is a pretty damn good life. A husband that loved her, kids, travels, grand kids, dogs and birds, great grand kids, a nice place to hang your hat in the later years, and a love of life, and curiosity, and a smile. Much of me is because of my gran - and I am missing her as I write these words. I think of so many things, beach combing together, a love of the sea, a love of picking up rocks. Her poodle Mokey, whom I really despised... Her love of turquoise, and little bits and bobs and interesting things. Her plants, the cigarettes she used to sneak when no one was watching, the happy hours, the woman who loved the attention of a man...I think of her ugly feet, and beakish nose, and kind brown eyes, and her delicate skin. Everything perfectly came together creating my gran - in all the juxtapositions that create a dynamic self. I think of her books, and the clutter, and the papers... I think of Charley the cockatoo eating everything he could and crapping all over the place. I remember Sunday breakfasts when we were all younger, and I remember every time I had to say good bye in the last few years - holding hands and looking at each other. I knew you, and you only knew you loved me and were loved at that point. You loved each of the boys when they came to visit, and reveled in their youthful enthusiasm. You would always look at me, and tell me how much it meant that we had our special connection, and you always wish for more time, and it would never be enough.

Adieu, but not goodbye Gran, you are already missed and it is a crazy thing to imagine the world without you.

We have a situation.

This morning I take my big guy over to my folks since my dad watches him on Thursdays, and my dad says "we have a situation."

First thing that runs through my head, is WTF?? I have no idea what this means, but there is something in the tone that I am not liking. Turns out that my gran is not doing so well and that the care home she is at has asked for palliative orders for her. Nothing like having this kind of conversation moments before you have to paste on a smile and head on in to work. My gran is 96, she has had a long and colourful life, and it is time. However, it doesn't make it any easier hearing that the time is actually almost near.

Folks found out last night, and it floored me they didn't call me last night. I don't get it - better to tell me in the morning when I come up to see them rather than call the night before and just give me some mental preparation? Out of all my relatives, my gran is one of my closest- even if I haven't seen so much of her in recent years (she lives on the island) doesn't mean my heart isn't there or that we haven't gone for visits when we could.

To say that I have been scattered today is putting it mildly. My first instinct is to drop everything and run to the island. I did call the centre, and the nurse said that she feels she still has some time (not a lot, but maybe weeks instead of days) and that the care centre is under lockdown because of Norwalk... so, waiting and see is about the only approach open to us at this point.

Such is life.

The day has gotten better from there - it has been snowing off and on, I just found out payroll did a data entry error that will cost us about $200, and I feel bloated.

Pfffffffft.

Bobbles

Who said you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks?? I learned how to make bobbles last night! I even got a chance to read for a bit, and watched a bit of a show...

Who knew?

I am making a very cool hat for my hubby and I had to learn how to make bobbles. Pictures to follow in a few days.. should be a cool hat!

Mornin!

Ah, a few blissful moments of peace before the day takes off running. Of course, I have run my tank near dry and I need to hit the gas station before I venture too far away... but it isn't raining and I can see some blue sky (which is always a bonus this time of year).

Yesterday I had an individual in my office that irritated me from the moment I saw her - chatting on the phone, oblivious to the fact that someone was standing in front of her, waiting to take her in for an appointment. It got better from there - whining voice, lazy, questions that were really asking to abuse the system, and then the gall of taking a phone call in my office. She asked part way through, are we done.. I said yes, so she continued to talk. So I pointedly stared at her until the call ended, she asked a few more lame questions, and I was more than happy to see the back end of her leave the door. Folks like that make you appreciate the quiet times that much more.

Funny, after all the folks I see, there are so few that get under your skin... but the total lack of respect, that is something else. Karma is a beyotch and when you approach life like that.... interesting to see what comes full circle for that gal.

Actually, now that I reflect on it, yesterday certainly had it's less than stellar moments - I wanted Friday off, got shot down. Asked my boss a question, and apparently I have been asking too any questions lately (which ended up being positive since conversation went well and was more affirming than anything else). So the day was all over the board, some good (to follow, this post isn't just a whinge), some blargh, some ugly.

On to much more positive things - got a really cool mug from my boys with their pictures all over it and a few chocolates, and I got to decorate cookies at work for my guys. It was fun - felt like being a kid sitting around decorating and eating heart shaped gummies. I feel like I had too many sweets yesterday... and my back is stiff... I need to find some more hours in my day to get my body moving more!! We seem to still be going through a cycle where Connor is not going to sleep at a decent time - it makes such a difference to have a few minutes to yourself at the end of the day, to just be... decompress, whatever you want to call it.

A monstrous love affair

I knew that I would finish reading this book tonight... Everyone else fell asleep early, and knowing I only had a 100 pages left, and it was 10 o'clock... I knew that I would be finishing this one before midnight.

This is the righteous cover of the The Gargoyle, by Andrew Davidson. What a book. I have no idea how to truly describe this book and do it justice. Well worth a read. Well worth a second read. Definitely not even close to what I expected it to be.

It was also, ironically enough, a fun book to carry around. This cover screams pay attention to me and a few folks made comments about it. My dear friend KW recommended this book, raving that it is one of her top 5 books of all time... I shrugged before I picked it up, and now I understand. This is a book like Heart of Darkness, rich with meaning, layers of symbolism, and threads of different stories woven together. I cannot believe my luck in the books that I have read so far this year - outside of the first book which didn't live up to my expectations, all the rest have shattered my expectations and preconceived notions.

I could describe this book as a joy from start to finish, but it wasn't. At times it was hard, almost gruesome, at times, so beautiful I had to put it down and just revel in the moment. I wish this wasn't a library book because it would look fine on my bookshelf. Another cool tidbit is how much Davidson was paid for his book (big bucks, especially for an untried Canadian) and the other thing is that he is Canadian. This book will make it's way in to post secondary reading lists if it hasn't already.

I feel myself moving away from more of my escapist reading and moving in to books with a bit more teeth right now. I am sure that the pendalum will shift again, but it will be interesting to see how my next read measures up (book club read, Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie).

TGIF can't come soon enough

I am officially sitting around frittering away some time at the end of the day because I have run out of direction. It has been one of those wonky weeks - I have done lots of editing at work, and considering how things should be done, and been motivated to get lots done (and I have).. and it all seems to have vanished!

Last few nights have been rough - broken sleep, trying to get Connor to sleep in the other room, and then random cat accidents, and then watering the plants and then over-watering and the water leaks everywhere, to not getting all the laundry put away last Sunday and some of it is still in piles, to the pile of stuff on the kitchen floor that just keeps moving around the room.

I think it would help if both kids would be asleep by even 9:30.. and give me some time to just be. You know, to spend some time with my husband, read my book, watch some mindless TV. Do more than just go to work, make dinner, throw a kid in the tub, child herd a bit, sit on couch a little tired, and then herd them to bed... it is funny how some weeks are great and everything falls in to place, and other weeks you just struggle to find yourself in there.

I find the hardest thing of sticking around as my youngest falls is asleep is that once my guard is down, and even if I wasn't that tired at the beginning of the process, I am that tired by the end of. Yes, I know I could let him cry it out... but it just isn't all that appealing. I know eventually we will get there, but there are some days you just have to whinge a little about it.

A messy end

2011 is looking pretty good as far as my reading list has been concerned A friend recommended this one heartily, and I must agree, it was a great read. It was really well written, the language was luxurious and the characters were well crafted.

The story focuses "in the woods" - a mystery thriller that takes place in small town Ireland. The lead detectives aren't perfect, they are flawed, and a little more believable than some of the leads that I have been reading lately.

There was a lot of lead up to this story, and in some ways, the end felt a bit rushed. It doesn't end all wrapped up neatly, there are unresolved strands and you are left to wonder what happens to the characters after the last page has been turned. The next book written by French continues on with one of the main characters from this book, and then the next takes a character from her third book, but in many ways... there are still things I would like to see play out from this first novel. Well done, the last page has been turned and I want to read more.

We have two.. now two more!

Ahhhhhhh. Two of those troublesome teeth are in. Amazing, the wee guy's appetite is coming back, and his cheeks are not so flushed. Funny how that works.

It is only Thursday and it already feels like it should be Friday. At work I have been crunching numbers and looking at stats, and brainstorming some ideas of how I want the program I run to work... it has been brain numbing in some ways, frustrating, and then you just wonder how far to take your audit as well.

I think this weekend I am going to rearrange the furniture in the boys room and it is time to start the transition out of our room. It is time. I want my bed back. The boys need to be in their own room. It is also time to actually start to rotate toys, and not have so much stuff in their room, and tucked around all the corners of our wee place. I am there.

It has also been one of those weeks helpful souls tell me I look tired, and they can hear that I have been fighting a cold. I made the mistake of looking in a window on Tuesday.. and the outfit I was wearing did nothing for me - felt dumpy and frumpy for the rest of the day. Wednesday morning, that created a "five shirt" morning until I settled on the one I wanted to wear. *SIGH* Today I went for the Johnny Cash look (all black) and of course, I have toothpaste on the right, front. I seem to doing well in some ways, and just not in others.

I am also really enjoying the book that I am reading right now... but it is starting to go in a direction that I am a wee bit disappointed in, and I am not sure how it will all work out. I only have about 100 pages left, so it will be interesting how I feel once the last page is turned. It is a good read, will have to see if it stays a great read.

To continue on my really long ramble - I really can't wait to have our own place that we do not co-own. No sharing, no deals to be cut, no having to go and forth and make sure everyone is happy with how things are working out. No strata, and no tenants - this is what we are aiming for. It will be amazing - no more stressing and feeling like I am caught in the middle between people I love. At the end of the day, I am just trying to achieve what is best for us, what makes sense even if it isn't perfect, it is still an improvement of sorts. It helps knowing we are at a year, that things should start happening then, and we should be able to look for ourselves. It feels like an intoxicating dream - to know we can put down our own roots, and watch our kids grow, and plant some bulbs, and watch them grow, and fix up our place, the way that we want it. Yup, I am feeling a bit done where putting stuff like this down helps keep it in focus, or out of focus...