Curve of Time: September 2015

It seems that a few times every year, I can steal a moment and truly update my blog. I like being able to look back at least see the books that I was reading to see how they shape my current awareness. I love being able to look back at this part of my history and the covers of the books to see what ones truly stick out, and which ones are totally unremarkable.

This has not been an easy year. It has been a year of transformation. I wonder if this is my midlife crisis year... a little more than 40, kids are still young, pushing hard in my career, trying to figure out who this middle-aged version of myself is.

In this last year I discovered Game of Thrones. I still need to watch Season 5, and I loved it, even if I cringed at times, cried, looked out from the corner of my eye, sat with a gaping mouth and knitting needles in my hands. I also loved watching Outlander, and have recently gotten in to watching The Vikings and Arctic Air. I have discovered the joy of borrowing each season from the library and just blitzing on them ... it takes me about 6 weeks to watch a season of 10-12 episodes... which seems pretty fair. I spend most of this time knitting - I have made a few pairs of socks, baby blankets, and I see a few more hats in my future since we have some friends coming out from the UK in a few weeks and they are something nice we can give them that are from us.

I find it hard to believe we are already in September. It really feels like there was Summer, and there are some moments that stick out, and then all of a sudden I am staring down October.

*watching the meteor shower out near the lake, beside the road with a sleeping bag
*seeing grey whales from our campsite a Salt Creek Recreation Area
*watching the sunsets from our campsite and having campfires
*Ruby Beach and Beach 4 in Washington - exploring tide pools with our reference book
*Hurricane Ridge and Olympic Game Farm, still awesome
*Next Door Gastropub in Port Angeles with the boys, it was great
*the knitted Octopus and missing starfish - we hope they come back soon, just not the same
*watching the blood super moon a few nights ago
*big family birthday party for the boys with everyone there
*spending the afternoon out at Manning Park to see Jen and her boys
*camping for a night in Hope and going to Manning Park (including the amazing viewpoints)
*night we watched the sunset in White Rock
*going out with my dad to see a movie and go to a pub for a beer and a conversation

There have been lots of changes this year too, of course our kids are getting older, our parents are getting older. My MIL has aged a lot this year, and it may be a part of life, but it does move you. She is no longer living independently, and as a family we went through her things and made some decisions. I was fine, up until I was unpacking a box at home the other day, and putting away some beautiful teacups from her. I could feel the tears slide down my face as I thought about her, and my grandmothers, and the pulling apart of a life, and the part of them that is a part of us, whether or not they are still physically present. There is a time for everything. This is time passing.

It has been a year of spending a lot of time thinking about mothers, and even for me, what it means to be a mother. I don't feel like this is something that I am practicing anymore, I think I own this role now. If I am worrying about the quality of my MIL's life.. I am also working at redefining my relationship with my mom. It reached a breaking point this summer. It is truly terrible to realize that something has to change, that your relationship with your mom is impacting those that you love, and that you can't hide from it anymore. It is raw, and ugly, and honest too. It has helped having some space and not talking as much, or seeing her. It has helped thinking harder thoughts, questioning things and not just accepting because I should and I am a loyal person, and voicing them, and talking to my dad differently so he has a more rounded impression of what has happened. It is good to realize we can do things differently, and if we don't meet somewhere in the middle, it isn't going to look like it did. Well, even if we do meet somewhere in the middle in a healthier place, it isn't going to look like it did. I want, and I guess I demand something different with my mom moving forward. It feels strange saying we need to be in an honest place with ourselves, and with each other. Cut through the BS, and accept each other's faults. This time has helped (in some moments - it is almost like a cycle of grief - waves of anger, sadness, grief, desire for it to be different, knowing all I can change is how I move and think). I don't feel like in so much of a rush. Time helps, it does heal, it also allows for other emotions to move in, and move past, and move through. I don't want we had. I don't want to be worrying about what my mom has done, and didn't do, and the words she said, rather enjoy what we do have, and feel joy, and laugh, and then cry in the moments we need to and not pretend it is anything different than life.

I do want different when it comes to my mom, and for that matter my brother as an extension of my mom. This time has created the space for different. I look forward to reflecting on how this has changed in the months to come.

I also feel very grateful - to unexpected folks. Like the folks that have come in to our life through sledge hockey. Amazing, humbling people. I think I may get involved with the Cerebal Palsy association.. it feels like the right time. How things have come together with riding, again. The shifts are amazing it seems this fall. The rewards within the trials.

Not everything in a year, or a cycle is great, nor it is all terrible. Funny how life finds it's balances along the way... lifting you up when you need it, and bursting bubbles (even when you don't need it). Life can suck. Life is also amazing.

I am so grateful for my personality - I can feel that through this stream of consciousness it helps - I can also feel my positive nature asserting itself even through this superficial reflection of the last few months. I am pleased with how the boys are right now - for my little guy, grade 1 is so much better than kindergarten. For my bigger guy, I am so glad for the things we can bring in to his life now. For me, I believe that the trials of this summer will make me, and us (my family) stronger. It is crazy that sometimes people have to change significantly (and insignificantly) to create new paths, or new thoughts, or new choices that they didn't see already. I appreciate my flexible brain that sees more than one path and that can evaluate and then make decisions upon.