Potential for another rainout.

Tuesday and Thursday blastball appears to have had far better luck than us. It's Monday, and once again, it is raining. If this continues, we will have our 7th rain out thus far. It is hard to build momentum for a sport when you miss at least one practice (out of two) a week because of the weather.

Have I mentioned how humbling it is to try to teach an almost 5 year old how to play baseball? I take it for granted that I can throw well, and hit, catch, and understand the mechanics of the game. The kids dog pile on each other for the ball, and wrestle when they are waiting to try to hit, and watch the ball when they throw.. you have got to be kidding. When they run the bases they jump on first and then run in an ellipse until they get back to home base.. it is a sight to see!!! I had forgotten that baseball actually requires a fair bit of skill. Running, hitting, throwing, and catching sounds easy.. until you see a bunch of five year olds trying to master this skill set!!!

Should be another busy week - my mom is getting her knee replaced, the Don will have a CT scan to make sure the shunt is doing it's job, a birthday party in the middle of it, some allergy testing, and work, work, work!! It seems like the weeks are rolling by faster and faster.

A sign.

There is a sign out front of our house.

For the first twenty years of my life, I dreaded when that sign would go up because it meant we were moving again soon. Now, it means the start of a new chapter. In the past, I would try to avoid this change because it was another move in a series of moves.. Now, the for sale sign represents a change in the right direction - a home totally of our own, more space, more everything. I am holding out for two bathrooms.

We were originally thinking it was going to be early next year, but timing has come together that the time is now, and we could potentially make a great deal on selling our house. Fingers crossed it happens soon, that we get what we need, and we find a great place to move to. It feels like this is going to be a year of milestones and hurdles crossed.

O M G !!!!

Another chapter in the saga

Well after so many literary novels, I need to go back to a thriller. This is another chapter in the Agent Pendergast series, and delves in to the murder of his wife, a decade ago.

Once again, these writers deliver a well researched, fast paced novel that ends on a decent cliff hanger. Of course I can't wait to read the next one... which comes out in a few weeks. The worst part of their books is that I have read all of their collaborations - although I haven't read all of their stand alone novels. I like their blend of realism, history, and then the fantastical. Makes for some great reading.

End of a nice day

38 has started out just feeling so much more positive and together than 37 did.

Had a great day with friends today - watching the game, eating, laughing, and watching our kids play and hang out together. It was pretty sweet. It was strange that it was a noon hockey game - by the time everyone was gone at 7, I think we are were all done, but not in a bad way. The kids are all able to go to bed at a decent time (okay, maybe not mine but I am flaking out and letting them watch a movie) and the house is even in decent shape. O M G, I am finally getting better at this.

I feel just a bit more self aware than I did a year ago. I think part of that is getting more sleep (no more b'feeding, yay) and Connor transitioning to his own bed have made a huge difference to me overall, that and starting to get my confidence back at work too. Something to be said about not being so tired all the time, so ragged around the edges.

The 'Nucks dropped their game on Friday night, and I wasn't all that surprised.. this means Tuesday could be a really big night! DAMN!!! I just realized my book club is meeting on Tuesday, and ironically enough, we are going to see a movie... PVR?! Fingers are crossed we make it to the next round... quickly!!!

Unclipped

I am just so *proud* of my boy, Brandon

He isn't even 5, and his horseback riding is going amazing. Not only is it "good" for him (stretching out his leg and hip muscles, working his balance) he is getting good at it and it is building a different kind of confidence.

The yearly horse show is in a month, so we are starting to prepare him for the classes we are going to enter him in. One of the classes is pole bending, and he will be doing it "unassisted" without someone leading him through the poles. AKA - unclipped from his lead walker (she is just an awesome gal). He practiced leading his horse Midnight through the poles today, and him doing it solo (around the poles and back again)- was inspiring, even his lead walker was all choked up. What a victory.

I am also getting a lot of being at the barn and talking to the other parents, volunteers, the people who work for PRDA - very humbling, very inspiring, very grounding. Talking to other parents who have had unusual paths (not the norm) like us is empowering, and it just helps to talk to people who may not have the same story, but there is a common thread there. It is an amazing place and I am so glad to be involved and I can't wait to read what I will be writing about Brandon's equestrian abilities even another year from now.

Balance

It feels like I am starting to get caught up on all my projects at work this week, and making some breakthroughs too (of a sort).

I have been back to work almost a year, and I must say, it is a challenge. I look back at the last year since I came back, and it has really been a journey. I have learned so much - about myself, about what I do, the people I work with... again, I have shifted from the person I was a year ago. It isn't easy getting back in to the swing of things, getting up to speed, changing gears at work, getting over disappointments in work and life and then still performing. It has been tough. Hawaii was tough - I put so much importance on the trip and then both kids were so sick, it was a bummer of trip. Christmas break was tough - once again, sick family just throwing things for a loop. Then my gran dying, and Brandon's surgery... and then everything seeming to lift, and live just truly moving on.

Work has been frustrating at times, and the rewards have been hard fought for, when I have found them (LOL). It isn't that bad, but it has felt that bad at times. I have felt pressured to be faster, or be better up to speed, or to have my business writing skills honed to perfection immediately, or to be a good team player all the time when I am caught up in my own head, and own things that have to be done (especially when I am the one to take this lead in this, not my coworker). I gave up lunches there for a few weeks, did some work from home, and I am glad I did since I can see things starting to ease, but it has not been easy. Plus it feels like I am a bit at odds with my manager, and at some point we will need to have a conversation, but it won't be an easy one. I think there have been some hurts/misunderstandings along the way (probably on both parts) and things that both of us could have done better over this year, I am willing to take some stuff on the chin, but not all of it. I haven't initiated this conversation yet because it is still too raw, and I don't have the words. I suspect when it happens, I won't have all the words, but I will know what I want to say. I had a conversation with my overall director the other day, and we are all good, and they know where I am coming from, and that is truly key. The rest will work out, and be awkward at times, but you know, that is what you grow from and that is what I am trying to keep in mind. This last year has been all about growth, and shifting, and I have made some mistakes along the way, and then I keep making new ones, but I think that this is part of my own development and hopefully makes me a better person at the end of this part of my journey. So there, enough of this inner rumination and run on sentance... again.

The themes of my life are now time management, balance, and trying to stay on top of everything. The list is a powerful object in my life. As is my calendar. All about management. I am taking my lunches again, and some of my breaks, and I am trying to sort of the rest of the details, like getting some exercise. My next goal is better balance, and to drop 25 pounds by fall. Wouldn't that just be great?!

Looking forward to a little TGIF tomorrow, and a long weekend!

Now that was a game.

That bubble of hope just got that much bigger.

O M G. We just delivered the spanking we got a last year from Chicago...

Classic novel

I have been swapping books back and forth with a friend, and this was the latest book she arm twisted me to read. I read A Passage to India about 15 years ago, so reading this book was reminiscent to another time in my life - one in which I was totally immersed in my undergraduate studies. Forster is a great novelist - funny, sophisticated wit, intelligent plots, timeless. This book is no different and I am sure that I will watch the movie that came out a few years ago (it too came with high reviews).

Many times I found myself wanting to write out quotes from this book. Thank you wikipedia for the following quotes, saves me from finding them in the book. This is a romance and a period piece, now that a hundred years has passed since it was written, and a fine read. It rings true as a story, and provides a window in to another time, a different place - yet the emotions and the feeling remains constant.

• There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it

• The kingdom of music is not the kingdom of this world; it will accept those whom breeding and intellect and culture have alike rejected. The commonplace person begins to play, and shoots into the empyrean without effort, whilst we look up, marveling how he has escaped us, and thinking how we could worship him and love him, would he but translate his visions into human words, and his experiences into human actions.

• Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice.

• It isn’t possible to love and to part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know from experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.

where were we before the 'net?

In a mother moment, I was unloading groceries and putting them away.

In a toddler moment, Connor grabbed a red sharpie, and drew on the really nice, HD computer monitor.

In a typical older brother fashion, Brandon waited to tattle until after Connor had finished his drawing.

In a feat of superhuman strength I did not lose my cool, googled the net and discovered that toothpaste should work. Really? After using wipes, and some vodka... toothpaste would work on a monitor against the likes of a sharpie?

Well, it appears I have been proven wrong, and happily.

Viola! Red sharpie drawing gone. What the hell did we ever do before the net?

Now this is funny

Late night!

Whoops. Everyone was asleep early tonight so I frittered away some time on the 'net and then dove in to my book. I only intended on reading a few pages, and it turned in to a hundred, midnight rolled by, and then... well. Here I sit.

This is a good story, not a great book, but an important story that needs to be told. I could tell you what worked for me, and what didn't work so well, and in a way, how rushed this book felt, especially towards the end, yet I think that would capture the book - I don't think this would stand up so well to a traditional English literature class deconstruction, but it doesn't have to. I am glad it is popular, because it means that people are remembering about events like this in the past, that tidbits of history are being unburied, remembered, and talked about it - this is important. Although the characters are fictional, the events described in this book were real.

This is a holocaust book that describes a little known event that took place in Paris, 1942, when French police round up mainly Jewish women and children. It is something that has been washed over with overlooked plaques and the forward motion of time. Stories like this, and even the Potato Peel Society... are important because they tell about events that are not part of mainstream consciousness.

I took a course on the Holocaust when I was in university, and it was the first time I had learned about it. This still strikes me as slightly unreal - I was a good student in high school, and although I did not take History 12, I just never knew. Hard to believe that this is a terrible piece of human history and it isn't always taught. I don't know what it is like now, 20 years later in our high schools, but...

I remember the books I read that fall, and it was a long, bleak fall. Those books and films have stayed with me - and I took that course back in 1995. It was profoundly sad to contemplate, and yet, within the horror, there are stories of triumph, of hope, of the human spirit - in the good and the evil. I took the course at a time of transformation in my own life, moving beyond one of my earlier selves and maturing a little, you know, into a mature 22 year old (laugh at self inserted here) that has just been to Europe for a summer holiday.

This book was decent. I would however recommend the following if you ever wanted to delve further in to this topic in terms of literature:

Schindler's List, Thomas Kinneally, yes the movie is good, and the book is really good
Sophie's Choice, William Styron
Night, Elie Wiesel
Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl
Anne Frank, the Diary of a young girl

I have the Book Thief on my reading list, and I suspect at some point I may read the Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas, but I can't guarantee it (one of the gal's from my book club has talked about this one, sounds like a tear jerker).

Really, blue???

Can't say I am thrilled with this election. To say my candidate did not win, is an understatement.

Bah.

I did experience some character growth today as I participated in a PD day! I got to learn about FIRO - Element B personality testing and it really was quite intriguing. I will have to sit and ruminate about this one for a bit, let the ideas percolate before I go out on a limb and make sweeping comments. (thank you Wikipedia for the following):

Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO) is a theory of interpersonal relations, introduced by William Schutz in 1958. This theory mainly explains the interpersonal underworld of a small group. The theory is based on the belief that when people get together in a group, there are three main interpersonal needs they are looking to obtain - affection/openness, control and inclusion. Schutz developed a measuring instrument that contains six scales of nine-item questions that he called FIRO-B. This technique was created to measure or control how group members feel when it comes to inclusion, control, and affection/openness or to be able to get feedback from people in a group.

*****
Human nature is that everyone feels insecure, incompetent, unlikeable, out of sorts, etc at some point. This test helps measure what your triggers are buried within Inclusion, Control, and Openness by looking at what you "want" and what you "do". My biggest disconnect was in the realm of "inclusion" and it got me thinking - what are some of my fears - of course I want to be liked, and I like to feel a part of things, but is this perception or perceived need holding me back, and if so, how do I change my story? Now this is the interesting part - someone in our group relayed a story that was familiar to me - the desire for inclusion and also having moved around a lot growing up, and a need to overplan themselves, and once one goal has been achieved, to push on towards the next one, always seeking.

Damn, that sounded a bit familiar, I can truly thank my hubby for helping me calm a bit of that down - learning how to enjoy a moment rather than several moments back to back to back to back, running between them all at a frenzied pace. It got me thinking in a different way about the impact of moving around so much when I was young, what I am choosing for my kids, and now, how I choose to integrate that experience for the here and now. It is crazy that this instability growing up, always been the new kid, never growing up with one set of peers created both a person whom is friendly, open and outgoing, but also someone who wants to be included, and doesn't want to feel left out - buried need from being the new kid? It is an interesting thought to toy with and blast away, since that drama is years in the past and now in my own control. I look back 10 years ago, and I enjoyed making all the plans, and throwing parties and making things happen, and through this lens, I see that it was a way to make sure that I was included. I think I have moved away from this need for inclusion - now I wonder how much of it is situational and how much is habitual.

Well worth the session - and timely. It would be interesting to do this one again in a few years when the kids are older and I am further along the dual track of motherhood and career.

1.40

It makes me glad we did a quick trip stateside this weekend to get gas when I wake up Monday morning and see the price at the pump hit $1.40 a litre.

O M F G. We are closing in on a buck-fifty again! We like to do driving holidays!!

I put $30 in my tank Thursday... more than likely, I will be putting more in on Tuesday when I go out to the other campus to work. My truck is no where close to being fuel efficient and I am starting to wonder what 4x4 is... although a different vehicle is not a priority for the next few years, I cannot get over high the price of gas is getting, it is unreal when $30 doesn't even get you through the week (that isn't driving on the weekends) and you only put on about 150 kms a week, at most. Okay, I drive up and down some significant hills, but really.... really??!